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Sean

I'm really in love with my first cousin! What should I do?

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I'm Sean, 20 and I'm in love with my cousin who is 2 years older than I am and she is currently studying abroad. She is my mother's sister only daughter. We're both single.

I don't really know how to start but here goes.

I had feelings for her since a few years ago and I'm not so sure whether she realize about it and/or feel the same way too. There was this one time, like 3 years ago, when we met at her house as she came back from overseas, it was very awkward till that we don't even talk when we meet, I even blush and we avoided each other. After a year, we became closer somehow. We skype-d once in a blue moon, text once in a while. Our relationship became closer and closer. Everytime we meet after so long, it's like me falling in love with her over and over again.

Recently (earlier this month) she was back, we spent some time together, went out shopping, dinner with her family and stuffs. We even went to the beach together, seemed like we're a couple, happily dating and all but the truth is we're not. But our relationship grew, we became closer than before, she tells me about her problems. She's giving me mixed signals, sometimes she calls me a bro, sometimes she called darling and all the sweet names. She texted me 'kisses' before. I really don't know whether is she in love with me as well or she just sees me as a brother.

But everytime before she goes back to study abroad, she'll call me from the boarding hall, without fail, after spending time with her parents and her parents sent her off. We'll talk for quite long before she board her flight back. But once she's back there, she'll be very busy with her studies, which I understand completely. From then onwards, we don't really talk or text or communicate. Everytime after she leaves, the feeling of sadness will appear. I will feel very down and low(as I'm feeling it now) Sometimes I wonder will she ever find another guy when she's back there but come to think of it, I don't think so. I trust her completely and she is the type of girl that won't simply go after a guy and she is a very nice girl. She is not so pretty but she is very pretty in my eyes.

I want to reveal/confess my love towards her but I'm afraid that she was just treating me as a brother or she rejects me. That will jeopardize the whole strong relationship that we built. And what if our parents know about it. It'll be ashamed if things don't work out. It had occurred to me before that how do people know that which is the girl they want to marry and spend the rest of their lives together after they meet. But if you ask me today, I would say that this is the girl I want to marry, the feelings will just come automatically and you know it somehow.

I really have no idea what to do about it but what I know is I'm deeply in love with her. So people out there, please help me. I really appreciate your advice for my situation. Thank you for your time.

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Well, why exactly don't you communicate when she is studying abroad?

I'm in a similar situation and I tried to keep in contact as much as possible. Call or text her overseas even if it will cost you. In my case I don't care if it even costs me $10 per text or minute of calling, I would still call. Got to be pro-active, not passive, at times like this I believe. And yes, the feeling of "she might find someone" when she is away is dreadful...but the chance of it happening is even moreso if there is no contact and she starts forgetting about your existence. Always stay in contact!

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It's not that I don't want to communicate with her. I used to text her but then it'll take forever for her to reply because she's busy like all the time with her studies and all. I don't mind spending the money to get in touch with her, it's just that the time is the problem. I feel bad to text her all the time because there was this one time after I text her and I don't contact her after that, then when I wanted to text her again few days later, I saw the last time she on was the last time we texted. I feel very bad after that. She did put in effort to find time for me but I'm afraid that she'll be annoyed by me.

I agree with you on that but I don't know what to do. The only time that she's quite free is when she's back here. I really don't know how to proceed with our relationship. The main problem is her busy-ness. Please advice me what to do because I really don't know how.

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Why don't you go "old fashioned" on her and write a letter and mail it to her? It gives her something solid to read and reread.  Send her letters, cards, maybe even small. casual gifts.  She will be able to enjoy them over and over when she has the time.

HUGS!!!

Nat

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That's a good idea. But the closest I've done before this is email. We send like long emails. But that was long time ago. But now that she's busy, that's the main problem of it all. I've run out of idea unless she feels the same about me. I don't know what to do next. Hmm

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Well to be honest, I actually can't understand how someone can be so busy studying that they can't text or reply to an e-mail...

Also have you made it clear how much you miss her and want to be in touch? She might make more time for you if she realizes your pain...

I'm not really sure about sending letters...takes way too long for them to receive it (if it's going overseas) and then the response back (if any) will take just as long. It's a nerve wracking experience most likely, to check your mailbox everyday for a reply that could take months. If she supposedly has no time to text you, why do you think she will have time to respond to a letter and then mail it? I suppose it works well for memories though, as Nattana said.

In any case, I was in a similar situation...my cousin was (and still is) working an insanely demanding job to the point where she can almost never freely answer her phone. You want to make it clear that you hope she isn't busy and you don't want to disturb her, but you really miss her and appreciate talking to her. I pretty much try a few times a week or so (until she is free to pick up) and then talk, it works out. I wouldn't just text though, I'd call...also ask her what her class and study schedules are and what the best time would be to call her.

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She's doing her practical in hospitals. Final year medical student. That's why. And when she goes home, she'll be studying. Actually she can find time for me if she wants to but I don't know how to make her to do so.

I haven't told her about me missing her and stuffs. I was about to when she got back but she still haven't reply my previous message yet till now so I'll hold on to it first.

I'm afraid that things will be awkward after I express my feelings towards her.

You kept on calling her and won't she be annoyed ? Unless she knows that you have feelings for her and she has the feeling too.

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She's doing her practical in hospitals. Final year medical student. That's why. And when she goes home, she'll be studying. Actually she can find time for me if she wants to but I don't know how to make her to do so.

I haven't told her about me missing her and stuffs. I was about to when she got back but she still haven't reply my previous message yet till now so I'll hold on to it first.

I'm afraid that things will be awkward after I express my feelings towards her.

Well I didn't say you had to express all of your feelings. Missing her doesn't mean that you're in love with her (romantically).

You kept on calling her and won't she be annoyed ? Unless she knows that you have feelings for her and she has the feeling too.

Trust me, I was afraid of annoying her too! That's why when I first called her, I asked her to tell me what her schedule is like. She had said if she was too busy, she wouldn't be able to pick up but otherwise she would. By "keep calling", I don't mean call multiple times a day, or even everyday. But like, say a week or two has passed and I want to call and she doesn't pick up, I'd maybe calling the next day or day after. It's best to ask her what her schedule is though for the best time.

And no my cousin doesn't know what I truly feel but I made it very clear that I missed her a lot and wanted to keep in touch. She was pretty understanding about that and there wasn't any awkwardness. That said, it can vary between different people, how they react to it. I don't think it is wrong to miss someone's presence so I honestly don't think someone should freak out about that. You don't really need to confess anything else at this time, especially if you are in a rushed phone conversation.

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True. But I'm a bit of the shy type. So if I were to reveal it, it'll seem like I'm in love with her. Which I am currently. I'll still tell her I miss her and all. Will try my best.

I can't really see myself with her in the future because even if things do happen, it's gonna be tough. With the family and all. But if she were to marry someone else, or let say she's dating someone else, my heart will break and shatter into pieces. I planned if she really marry someone else and staying in the same country, the following day after her wedding day, I'll get out of the country and look for a job somewhere else. I may be thinking too much but if that really happen, I have to because I'll be suffering everytime I see them.

For your case, she doesn't know that you're in love with her? How can you stand the fact that she doesn't know about it and you guys are so close together. Always in touch. I would die of it were to be me. Hahaha

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I can't really see myself with her in the future because even if things do happen, it's gonna be tough. With the family and all. But if she were to marry someone else, or let say she's dating someone else, my heart will break and shatter into pieces. I planned if she really marry someone else and staying in the same country, the following day after her wedding day, I'll get out of the country and look for a job somewhere else. I may be thinking too much but if that really happen, I have to because I'll be suffering everytime I see them.

I will be devastated as well...but I don't think I will ever abandon her and even if she finds someone, I will still confess someday.

Usually you would tell the parents after you have confessed to her. I'd first worry about that and then the parents. I don't have any advice for the parents though, because I'm pretty worried about that regarding my situation as well...

For your case, she doesn't know that you're in love with her? How can you stand the fact that she doesn't know about it and you guys are so close together. Always in touch. I would die of it were to be me. Hahaha

Well we aren't that close together in the sense of location, because we live in different countries...this makes it much harder, even though we are pretty close, friend-wise. If I lived in the same area, I would be spending a lot more time and I would have probably confessed by now. Also when I do confess everything, it definitely won't be in an e-mail, on the phone or skype, it will be in person...probably on my next visit.

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Same goes to me. I'm going to confess to her once I start working and in a very stable position and hopefully by then she'll take it more seriously. But about the parents part, I really don't think that they'll accept it. And I'm afraid that she'll be influenced by them. What if the parents don't allow. The whole family relationship won't be that good anymore. But for now, I'm doing my very best to impress her parents and their parents like me. Well maybe they just see me as their nephew.

And she always joke whenever she's around me saying that if she meets someone, she'll introduce me as her boyfriend. It's a good thing right?

Of course not over the phone. It's a face to face thing. I would've done the same if she's staying close to me.

Ok, what if after you confess and everything, she still rejects you? What will your reaction be?

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Why don't you go "old fashioned" on her and write a letter and mail it to her? It gives her something solid to read and reread.  Send her letters, cards, maybe even small. casual gifts.  She will be able to enjoy them over and over when she has the time.

HUGS!!!

Nat

I LOVE getting real, personal, handwritten letters in the mail. They are so much more friendly than emails.

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Same goes to me. I'm going to confess to her once I start working and in a very stable position and hopefully by then she'll take it more seriously.

Sure, but I think for now you should at least call and let her know you miss her and ask about her schedule. A full confession now probably isn't a good idea.

But about the parents part, I really don't think that they'll accept it. And I'm afraid that she'll be influenced by them. What if the parents don't allow. The whole family relationship won't be that good anymore. But for now, I'm doing my very best to impress her parents and their parents like me. Well maybe they just see me as their nephew.

Yeah it always helps to at least be close to her parents. I'm very close to my cousin's parents...you might even say I'm closer to her mom than I am with my mom. I don't really care at all what my mom thinks, the issue is more what her parents think. They need to understand your character - especially that you are honest and sincere, so that when you make your confession some day, they can really trust what you have to say.

Ok, what if after you confess and everything, she still rejects you? What will your reaction be?

Well there's rejections for many reasons...I will not give up. I'm going to make it very clear how much I care and how much I'm willing to sacrifice (practically everything) to make it work. You also got to reassure her that regardless of what happens, your current friendship will never disappear. And also, don't rush the decision, give her a lot of time to think but also plead with her to listen to everything you have to say so she can know EXACTLY how you feel and that there are no misunderstandings. Honestly, one of the worst things I envisioned was me trying to explain and she constantly interrupting me with "no" and "stop" and just not letting me speak...it's a terrible feeling and I hope that doesn't happen.

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I LOVE getting real, personal, handwritten letters in the mail. They are so much more friendly than emails.

Well, it is but it's too long to do that because it could take up to weeks to receive the letter so yeah.

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I will do that gyran! Ya. Now it's not the right time to confess yet.

About her parents, I got that covered. What you say is right. Get hold of them to like you and trust you. Know you well enough like their own son. Well, her parents call me out for dinner once in a while without her(overseas studying) as I live like 10 minutes away from them. But sometimes it's weird that when I out with her parents, I don't know what to talk about. Everything just seems dull and boring. I've run out of ideas what to talk about. But I do notice one thing, once in a blue moon our parents meet, normally her dad will be talking to my dad and stuffs but nowadays seems that her dad kept on looking at me while talking. Indirectly talking to me as well. I hope that's a good thing for me huh.

Me neither. I won't just give up because of that. Maybe this is a very shocking news to her. Give her some time to digest it and she'll decide. Even if she's getting married in the church with someone else, I would stand up and say no to their marriage. I'll be very embarrassed afterwards but who cares. I really hope that someday I might marry her. The chances are thin but it's worth the try. Of all the girls I dated, no one is close enough to beat her. I have this strong feeling that this is the girl I want to marry and settle down with. The feelings just come automatically.

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Actually I'VE read all the conversation and guys I am only 16 and I am also suffering from the similar problem

I'VE told this thing to my parents because they are like my friends.

I haven't talked her since 2 month because once upon a time we were chatting and she called me brother and I was very shocked and decided to forget her but I cant...

So now I want to start again and make it clear...

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