What2Do

Not Sure What To Do

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I need advice because I'm falling in love with my second cousin and I don't know what to do. We are both in our late 20s, never knew each other growing up and have been attracted to one another since we met and started talking. It started out as just sex but we have been hanging out quite often lately and are starting to get really close on a deeper level. We talk everyday and all the other "normal" stuff that comes along with dating someone.....the problem is I don't know where this will lead or what the future holds and that scares me.  I don't know if this will just lead to heartbreak for me and part of me questions if I should break it off now before I get too attached, or if I should just "go with the flow" and see what happens. Even the thought of telling the people in our family is terrifying......When I try to talk to him about how I feel and my fears he brushes it off and tells me not to worry.

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My advice is just go with it it's not everyday you fall in love. Be honest people are more accepting then you think. When my cousin came clean the family said they already knew and are even helping with the wedding. If you both love each other there should be no reason to hide anything .

Some of the people on here had even helped us get threw the begging of our relationship and we are extremely happy to have others like us for good positive advice

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Oh dear.  You went about things the wrong way and now you're worried.  And rightfully so. You want more emotional connection and frankly, he probably just wants more sex, which is why he is brushing off your concerns;  No need to bring up those pesky fears and worries when the relationship isn'tgetting out of the bedroom.

I know I am sounding harsh, but the hard truth is that this may be all your relationship ever is. 

If he keeps brushing off your concerns, you need to be very clear with him that you are not satisfied with the relationship, you don't like it being secretive and that the two of you need to come up with a game plan.  If he keeps putting you off, then you know where you stand.  Let him know that you want a real relationship and wait for his response.  Does he want that also?  Great!  Come up with a game plan and move forward.  Does he enjoy the taboo nature of your relationship and has no desire to make it a priority?  Drop his a**. 

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Is he brushing you off because he is comfortable in the FWB situation you've got & doesn't want things to change?

Or is it because he doesn't share your fears about telling the family?

My cousin would brush my fears of telling our family aside, but only because he wasn't afraid of their reactions like I was (I used to care lol). Soon enough they found out on their own - in the WORST way possible & it wasn't pretty. But in time they got over it & came around <3

I would sit him down & tell him that sooner or later people are going to find out & trust me it's better to decide when/how to tell them than for them to find out on their own.

If he's just interested in FWB then you need to decide if you're okay with that relationship, if not then you need to move on.

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I have been having daily panic attacks..i don't know if I should let this continue and just "go with the flow"  or cut it off now before I get really hurt by this situation. I don't want to get more and more emotionally invested into something that will never grow into what I want in the long-term. (---> I don't think I've ever said those EXACT words to him so I'm going to write them down lol)

He says he understands how I feel but he keeps telling me not to let my fears and thoughts of the future control me. He keeps saying that no one knows what the future will bring so why let it make me feel so panicked in the present? He says to just let things be and let them play out however they play out. He is very introverted which makes this even more difficult. He can't speak his mind/thoughts/feelings as easily as I can and it is EXTREMELY difficult for me if that tells ya anything.  :(  He gives me mixed signals constantly and I don't know how to read him at all! He'll say things like: why are you so worried? I've told you how I feel about you. And then I say...."yeah, you've told me things that directly contradict each other such as: 'I never want you out of my life' and also 'I know this can't go on forever'."  to which his response was: "yes, that is true..i don't ever want to stop talking to you." ughhhhhhh this is torture! Part of me wonders if I could possibly miss out on something real because I'll be waiting forever for him to love/commit to me. I asked him yesterday if I should keep my options open and he said he isn't going to make that decision for me but that it would upset him if I was with someone else. I told him if he were a "regular guy" I wouldn't be so panicked because then it wouldn't be so hard to just let it play out but since he is my 2nd cousin it is just not that simple. I have to hide how I feel around everyone else. I can't talk to anyone about it. He said he doesn't get why it has to be that way and why I can't just let it play out like if it were any other guy I was dating.

Sorry if this post is a run-on paragraph..i'm starting to freak out again.

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Hello, I recieved your PM and replied, now reading farther in depth to the situation I can not only relate, but offer some hopeful advice.

I'm married to my second cousin. I'm 26, my husband, John, is 29. We have 3 children, I have two, he has 1. We have been together for a year and a half. We have been married for 6 months. We were engaged 6 months prior to getting married.

Our relationship started out as just sex. I lived in Las Vegas, he lived 8 hours north, in Elko, Nevada. I invited him on a drunken river float in Laughlin, NV. For me, a romance blossomed that weekend, (for him too, I was just the first to admit it.) We went on to see each other once every month. Our long distance relationship went on for a year as we got more and more serious each month. For us, sex turned into so much more! Now, that's not every situation, though.

Now comes the drama of it all. My parents, totally supportive. His family, totally NOT! They went to great lengths to break us up... And I mean GREAT lengths! They went as far as using his son against him, telling him that he would lose his son when his ex found out about us. So, they made him choose: me or them. And they succeeded. But only for 3 weeks. In the 3 weeks that we were broken up, (I went back to Vegas) we still kept in contact. But he lied to me and made a huge mistake, not once but twice. He went out with his buddies, got drunk and had sex with an ex girlfriend. Twice. In the mean time, I come back to Elko to get the rest of my things and find out about him and this ex. He knew at that point I never wanted to see or speak to him again because he hurt me so bad. He asked me to forgive him and said he loved me and he was lost and confused. I knew he was being genuine because months leading up to our break up he was not himself. He asked me to hear him out, so I did. He apologized for what he did, his family and how he felt alone and the house that had become a home felt cold. He missed the family we created and swore to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Then he asked me to marry him. So, the next day we drove to Vegas and got married.

I know you're wondering why I'm telling you all this... And the reason being that it may seem pretty crappy right now, but if you truly love him, don't give up. We never told John's family, we let them figure it out on their own. Mostly because john just didn't know how to tell them and I wasnt about to push him to do so. In my opinion, were adults. Who we choose to be with is none of their business. We don't need their blessing, nor their approval. Now, we're Christians and when things got really bad for me during the break up, I prayed. I asked for guidenice and strength to endure whatever God will was for me. And then I gave it to God and let him do his work. And here I am now, 6 months later, happily married, in-laws still hate me, won't talk to me or my husband... Hell they are even best friends with his ex now, who also hates me. But none of that bothers us because we're happy. His parents, grandparents and his ex don't want this marriage. But we do, and God does, so we prevail.

I sure hope this all helps. If anything I pray it gives you hope. Have faith, and dont worry about the fact that you had sex with him already. Just focus on what you can fix now, communicate with him, tell him how you feel and be supportive of his feelings. I don't remember asking John where this was going, I just went with it because it felt so right. I know after a while we just both had the same future plans. So hang in there.

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oh, falling in love is the best part!

but, taking a step back, how long have you two been together? I know i rushed rushed rushed into things with my (first) cousin (slept with him the first night we "re-met" each other...oops!) but we've been together since 2012.  a lot of what you are struggling with sounds more like the questions EVERYONE has when they have a strong sexual chemistry with someone and start having more solid feelings further on.  It sounds less like it's an issue of your related-ness, and more of a, "how *do* we feel about each other?" "where is this going?" sorta thing.  it's hard to really know how he is feeling about YOU (and your related-ness, as a separate issue), if you don't know each other very well. It's especially hard if he's introverted and not really in touch with his emotions. 

If I could do it over again, I would slow things down as much as I possibly could, in the beginning. get to know each other. don't be afraid to see where this leads, but keep a check on your own emotions as much as possible.

keep us posted and welcome to CC!

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