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Lost

So in love

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We are in our 30's. Our 'relationship' has been going on for the last 2.5 years. We've never been 'official' but we have been exclusive. I would stand up against my family and deal with all the problems that occur from them not approving of a cousin relationship but he isn't strong enough so he is saying to me that it will never happen. I am loosing the love of my life. I'm not only loosing the love of my life but also my cousin, my family, my best friend. He has always said that i have been holding him back but recently he said that he won't let me do that anymore and he wants to move on with his life. He has started speaking to another girl and he doesn't realise that i'm not strong enough to stick around and watch. It breaks me into pieces. What do i do? Keep fighting for him or let him leave my life altogether?

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Lost: you write, "Keep fighting for him or let him leave my life altogether?"  And that, my friend, is the $64,000 question.

  *On one hand, you can't MAKE him love you; you can't MAKE him stick around and give it his best shot.  At some point, all of us who have been in this situation have to face that reality.  There was a good book a few years ago titled, "Loves Me; Loves Me Not."  I found its advice helpful.  Another one is "Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over," by John F. Westfall.  Believe me, I know what lost love is like, and it's sheer h**l.  The pain endures for years.  And you can pine away in loneliness, or you can take those lemons and make lemonade.

   *On the other hand, "it ain't over 'til it's over."  If he is really the love of your life, DON'T GIVE UP until you've exhausted every possibility.  Keep him talking, and keep talking to him.  IMHO, you need to make it clear that your family love (because he's your cousin and family is really important) is never going away, no matter what happens to your romantic love.  That family love is unconditional; you'll always be cousins and he can't do a darn thing about it!  But you can also tell him, "There's nothing you can do or say that will make me stop loving you."

 

    And what does he mean, "you've been holding him back"?  From what???  At his age, somebody needs to tell him to grow a pair.  That means confronting the family about something that you (presumably both of you) think is supremely important.  IT CAN BE DONE!  People have survived much worse.  (There's even a great letter available on this site for you to write to your parents (or whoever else thinks it's their business).  If you both were 18 or 21 or something, I wouldn't come on so strong about this, but you're both grown-ups.

    Well, I hope this gives you something to think about.  (And I KNOW you have!)  And there will be people on this site who will give you advice that's different from mine, and that's OK.  I'm not an expert in counseling, or in relationships, but I am a long-standing expert on lost love---I have loved my cousin for over fifty years now.  It does not go away.

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