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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Alfonso61505

Need help please hawk?

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Hi hawk

I have read ur response to italy21.

I have a very simmilar problem. But mine is my niece. Her father is my second cousin. Im 22 yrs old and shes 20. Like yours, shes smart(cum laude grad) and a very nervous person and always thinks about what people thought of her. We have been hiding our relationship for 6 months until my mom found out. So my mom started talking to her grandma and aunt,saying that me and ny niece always go out dating. She doesnt want her parents to know so she decided to end our relationship. My mom was disapointed of me because of this and she told all my cousins and other family members about my relationship with my niece So that she could break us apart. Now my niece is strugling to hide our relationship and denying it to her parents. Her parents still believes her but she doest want to continue our relationship anymore. She said she loves me morethan anyone else. But she loves her parents more and doesnt want to disappoint them. What should i do? Please help me.

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Alfonso61505,

You rang?

Well, if her father is your second cousin, then she is your second cousin once removed, and NOT your niece. However, having said that, I know where the sentiment comes from. I consider my second cousins' kids to be "nieces and nephews" of sorts, because we grew up so close, and consider each other the sisters we boys didn't have, and they consider us the brothers they didn't have.

I also have a feeling you may not have a handle on the whole "once removed" thing. Very common. Is her father actually the first cousin of one of your parents? I ask because many people, when they first come here, and in society at large, consider the first cousin of a parent to be their second cousin. Actually, they are first cousins once removed. If her father is the first cousin of one of your parents, then, SHE is YOUR second cousin, NOT her father. Then again, you could have it figured out right, and she's your second cousin once removed. I also always say, that if everyone in the family thinks the first cousin once removed is actually the second cousin, then they would think she would be your THIRD cousin, and I'd not tell them any different. If they find out that second cousins can marry,  then how could they say (other than these foolish biases, even as we have here in the U.S.) that third cousins couldn't? My exact saying is "If that's what they think, roll with it!!!" 

Either way, second cousins and beyond are perfectly legal to marry everywhere we know of here on this site. There is some resistance CULTURALLY in some Asian countries out to several more generations, but legally, we know of nowhere that second cousins and beyond cannot marry. You didn't mention it, so I shan't either, but, as a Mod, I did take the liberty of checking where you are. Not your actual street address mind you, only what State or Country you are in. If my look-up is correct, you are in a country where first cousins can't marry. India is about the only place I can think of that is worse about it. BUT, you aren't first cousins, and if her Dad IS your second cousin, then legally, even where you are, the two of you should be able to have whatever relationship you choose to, up to and including marriage, if you so choose. I would have to dig a little deeper to find  that out for sure, but, I'm reasonably certain of it.

I don't particularly recall my advice to italy21, and don't really have the time to go check it out. My best advice to you is, let us know the exact relation you are, and we'll go from there. I would also encourage you to have her set down with you and check out this site together. I think she needs to see it too.

Let's figure out your exact relationship, have her check this out, and we'll try to convince her to not rule out a relationship because of the cultural bias against it. Her parents may flip their wigs initially, but I have a feeling eventually, they would get over it. Especially, if they knew that legally, you two could get married if you choose. 

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