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My cousin used to want me but I screwed it up. How do I get her back

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Hello I'm new here. I met my 1st cousin once removed when she was 17 and I was 26. She's 22 & I'm 31 now. I fell in love with her instantly when we met. She started our friendship by texting me and very quickly started flirting HEAVY with me: laying on me, touching me, putting her legs and boobs on me, always wanting me to come see her.

She had a boyfriend at the time who was abusive & instead of just trying to hook up, I tried to "steal" her from him. I frequently argued with her about our flirtation and tried to get her to leave her bf after she promised me she'd call me and have me pick her up the next time he threatened to kill her. She said, "next time he does I'll call you & you can get me and me and you will go from there." But she didn't and I got mad and quit talking to her. she then denied having feelings for me even tho she was very loving to me when we were together, talked all the time and asked each other for company.

We would make up and be friends for awhile & flirt and everything but we would get mad & fight & not speak for months sometimes. Either I or she would always contact the other and make back up tho. Then we would fight and not speak. I should add that I was afraid to make a move to sleep with her even though I knew she wanted to, because of the times she would call me incest and pervert but i know that was just to make me mad because I'd made her mad because she'd keep flirting & signaling interest.

She eventually married had a son with & divorced the guy and had another boyfriend who she is now pregnant by though they've split up. She recently got back in touch with me and I started flirting & touching and loving on her and she began wanting to hang with me again. We had a chance to be alone and I got scared and didn't put the move on her and I know she thinks I never will.

I've told her I love her and she said she doesn't judge me but she can't feel that way about her family. But if I feel her up she gets excited. I think if I could have the courage to make love to her she would want to be together. Her parents lost custody of her for drugs when she was little and she has trust issues. But her eyes light up when she sees me and I believe she loves me back deep down and she gets jealous when I talk about other women. We've been friends again for nearly 3 months and have only had one small argument (which is NOTHING like we would before) and we didn't even quit talking over it. It was about her not responding to my calls and texts for about 2 weeks and after I told her how much this hurt me she began talking to me every day. I believe she has matured alot since having kids.

The rest of the family isn't a problem, her brother, my dad, my aunt (her grandmother) and her parents all have told me they would like to see us together.

How can I get up the nerve to seduce her because I know that's what she wants and is frustrated with me for not doing it. I think of all the fights we had and I get afraid to lose her by doing that but my rational mind knows I won't but I can't stand the thought of her not in my life & then I choke up. I love her more than life itself, I've even attempted suicide from grieving over her and I know deep inside she is the only woman I have ever or will ever love. I also love her 2year old son and already love her next son she is carrying and I'd be proud to be their daddy and help her raise them. I am in torment over this.

Any advice, comments or questions would be most welcome. Thank you in advance

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Unconditional,

I'm going to be very honest with you in regards to your post. I just don't get a very good vibe from your story. There are a few reasons why:

- I know you and she used to argue a lot, but her calling it "incest" and calling you a "pervert" is something that I feel should be out-of-bounds in this type of relationship, especially if you two cared for each other. Pick and poke at each other in different ways, but to use those words heavily undermine her own feelings from where I stand. Also, she said to you recently she can't feel that way about family. Even though you may get her physically excited, that's not what you want for the basis of a relationship. When the physical attraction dies down, there won't be anything of substance left. Sex is not your "entry" into a healthy relationship. You said, "How can I get up the nerve to seduce her because I know that's what she wants and is frustrated with me for not doing it." My gut says you may be wrong on how far you're taking that assumption. Maybe she does want the seduction, but past that... I'm not so sure.

- It seems oddly coincidental that she comes to you during low points in her life and then loses you once she gets on her feet (or situations change enough for her not to need you). Forgive my skepticism, but that doesn't seem right to me.

It's a beautiful thing to love someone, and want to care for their children. However based on what you said, I think you feel the physical aspect is the solution to this. You haven't mentioned anything about trying to win her heart, or showing her that she can trust you. You've confessed your love, but then you continue that by feeling her up. It just seems like something you may want to step back from a little, especially since it seems she changed (or at least partially changed) her mind about having a cousin-relationship. I also think you should step back and try to clear your mind for your own sake. Cut off contact and focus on yourself.

I commend you wanting to support and help her, but I think both you and she (long-term) could possibly be unhappy.

I also think if you've attempted suicide, you should talk to a professional about your concerns and feelings. Life is too short and too beautiful for you to waste it. There's that saying.."'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Knowing you cared for her is something you should be proud of. But at the same time, you must not give up because of her; she's entitled to her own feelings just as you are. I strongly recommend you should speak to someone at a counseling center for your emotional concerns. I have, and it honestly does help. If that's not do-able, talk to a friend, anyone. You're not alone.

If you have any dark feelings again, I'll just share the hotline you should call (U.S.): 1 (800) 273-8255 --- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Be well, and I wish you the best.

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