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Shayna

I accepted my feelings, but I think I messed up... Advice please?

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I never thought I'd ever fall for my cousin because I was raised to believe that it wasn't right. The first time I met my cousin was when I was very young, but then the next time I saw him was actually 10 years later when we were both 14 years old and from that point on we would see each other a few times a year. Him and I live in different countries, I'm in the US and he's in the UK. But the first time we saw each other I had instant feelings that I liked him, but I was convincing myself that I never got to see him enough to consider him my cousin and that I shouldn't like him in that kind of way. But I couldn't help myself, we hit it off when we reunited and you'd think we knew each other our whole lives.

Once we turned 16 we started having serious conversations with each other whenever I was visiting him in the UK. Almost every night we would sit in his living room until 4am in the morning, cuddling in a blanket on the couch, and just talking about life and our current relationships. Whenever I would tell him about my relationships he always asked me "Do you really love the guy you're with?" and I would always be hesitant to answer because I had stronger feelings for my cousin than I did for my boyfriends at the time. I always thought may be he did like me whenever he asked me that, but then I always thought that he would only ask me those kind of questions because he's a caring family member. However... I noticed from that point on, all his girlfriends kind of looked like me. All my friends have mentioned that as well. Mind you, I have never told anyone that I have feelings for him.

From the last time him and I hung out, my aunt (his mom) would constantly tell us how she loved how amazing him and I got along. I was never too sure if she just enjoyed how close we are or if she hinted that she liked the idea of us together. But I'll stick to the first idea.

We're now 23, and I got to see him a few days ago and my feelings for him are stronger than ever. He now has a girlfriend and for once I'm actually very jealous but thankfully I didn't get to meet her. To be honest, I'm not too sure how I would react if I saw her. But the moment we saw each other I saw how his eyes lit up when he saw me, and I just got the crazies butterflies when I saw his reaction. We even went to a pub that night and we talked and talked and talked the night away. He told me that him and his girlfriend of 2 years are not doing good and he believed it wasn't going to last much longer. So we dropped the topic and we continued to talk about other things. We got pretty drunk later that night, and went home and cuddled more than what we normally did. Next thing we're kissing and we're feeling each other, and before you know it, we had the greatest sex ever and everything just seemed so natural. He told me as we were doing it that he wanted to keep doing what we did while I was still in the UK, and I was more than alright with it. However the idea didn't seem to stay...

The next day he avoided me, small talk and no eye contact and would stay completely far away from me. Just thinking about this is making my stomach turn in knots... I tried to ask him if he was upset with me and he just told me "Of course not, what we did was fun, wasn't it?" and he just walked away from me and that was it for the rest of the day. We did go out with the family that night, no contact still, but I noticed he drank way more than usual and got sick.

So the day before leaving the UK I went out for a drink with my uncle and I saw my cousin there with a few of our relatives, and it was so hard to not to noticed how wrecked he looked. He had insane bags under his eyes and he was downing beers as if each one was his very last one. I took a seat next to him and tried to make conversation with him but he still refused to make eye contact with me, but his leg kept touching mine and that was the first physical contact we made since our eventful night... I don't know if that shows any hope, but I sure do need a sign that things will get better.

He dropped me off at the airport with no conversation between us. I would turn to look at him as he drove and think how strong my feelings are for him and that I don't want what happened to us to effect our relationship. The trip was quiet, and when we got to the airport all I wanted to ask him was if he was done with me but I kept quiet. Before parting he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek; that was the last thing I expecting to get from him.

I don't know where we stand now, I think now is a good time to not talk to each other for a bit, but the thought of not being on good ground with him or ever being able to be back to where we were is killing me. I never liked someone so much, I would give up everything I had in the US just to be with him in the UK, and I have never sacrificed anything for any of my exes. I need help/advice, I don't know what to do or to expect and I'm going a little crazy from over thinking this.

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Hi Shayna,

I think it's possible his confusion/reaction is the fact that everything stemmed from a drunken night. Prior to you and he drinking during your recent stay, everything you mentioned could easily happen between friends, or just as innocent flirtations. You mentioned he had a girlfriend of 2 years, which is a good indicator of why he's reacting that way. He could be feeling incredibly guilty and confused. You and he don't see each other often, and he had already someone in his life.

I know it's bothersome to you that this all happened, especially because you have feelings for him, but what he is feeling is probably worse. Even though the situation with his girlfriend is "bad," it doesn't mean she's insignificant or not there. It also doesn't mean he can't feel uneasy for sleeping with you (especially if not emotionally equipped). He made his choice. Was it a mistake? Did it give him a new perspective? That's for him to decide. But give the opportunity to decide.

Give him the time and space to recoup his thoughts and see where he takes his life. If, after a long enough while, you still feel you need to have closure, you can reach out to him and see what happens.

I think the leg touching and hug/kiss on the cheek afterwards is nothing substantial to be perfectly honest. From what you said, it was pretty clear he wasn't in any romantic state of mind. I know you may cling onto hope and worry, but you can't fight his demons for him.

If it's meant to happen, it will. Just give him the space he needs to sort out his own problems before you express your own to him. I've always found it helpful to go through the forum when I feel worried or confused. It soothes my thoughts a bit, and makes me realize there's a ton of people with these types of problems (and eventually they all get sorted out).

I wish you all the best!

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Hey ForYou,

I didn't expect a response for a bit and I was about to update this, but you are right about him feeling much worse. The whole time I didn't take account to how he was feeling because I was too worried about our chemistry, but once I got back to the US and waited it out and thought about it, I was very selfish for thinking that.

But... After the whole incident I stopped trying to make contact with him to give him his space and a week later he actually messaged me on Facebook and we talked like nothing happened. Now we've been talking on a daily basis and we have even been using skype as well! :azn: none of us have brought up what happened, and I don't plan on doing so either. We'll see how long this will go on for, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed! :smiley:

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Shayna, well it's good that he is still messaging you after what happened. Surely it's a good thing to know for you that it's not prevented further contact

Good luck anyways  :smiley:

nessa76

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