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He's my bestie.... that's all.

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I'd like to share my story of my cousin and I. We are not in a relationship with each other, in fact I am engaged and he is married. Don't jump to conclusions, we are not having an affair...

We are almost 11 years apart. I had the biggest crush on him as a kid. When I was 11 years old I was placed into foster care and eventually adopted. I lost all contact with my biological family until about 5 years ago. We got reconnected via Facebook. When he and I first began talking he had no clue who I was but I remembered him. He was, and still is, in the army. He was stationed out of state. He was married but separated at the time and seriously contemplating divorce. I was single, having just left my sons father.

He had 30 days of leave coming up before his deployment. He planned on coming home for 2 weeks of it and we decided to meet when he did. Until then we literally talked all day every day. There was an obvious connection between us but we were reluctant to admit it at first. But soon it became undeniable and we started talking about the possibilities of us being together.

I thought once we met in person we would see how ridiculous we were being but the opposite happened. Our feelings toward each other intensified. We spent as much of those two weeks together as we possibly could. Apparently we were a little too obvious about how we felt about each other. Our family became concerned that we were too close, we played it off as we were just good friends.

He went off for deployment and we kept in touch. We didn't see any way to make "us" work for a number of different reasons. While he was on deployment I ended up getting back together with my sons father. Although my cousin understood he wasn't happy about it. But he decided to try to work things out with his wife when he returned from deployment.

I'm now engaged to my sons father and our relationship is at its best. My cousin and his wife just had there second child and have a third on the way.

We've kept in touch over the years and see each other as often as we can. There are still rumors about us between the family but no one actually knows what or if there has been anything between us. He recently has been stationed only 2 hours away from me.  My son and I went to visit this past weekend. It was nice to just hang out like normal family members lol. But it was soo hard because there still is that connection between us. We talk about how "what if things were different" all the time. But the reality of it is we are both happy in our relationships and don't want to risk it all to see what "could be".

I wish I had someone I could talk to about this because my feelings are all over the place when it comes to my cousin and I. I don't know how I should feel. Part of me wants to just cut all ties with him and forget about him. The other part of me doesn't want to lose him.

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