If you have a minute to

This topic has had no activity within the past six months. It is recommended that you start a new topic instead of replying to old topics.

3 posts in this topic

Hi there, I am a new member of this page and forum and in need of help/advice if you do have a few minutes to spare. I have been viewing this website for quite a while now and is quite suprised to see that there are people out there who are in similar situation and that I'm not alone. I did not have the guts to make a post of my own problem however my situation  is getting worse so I thought it was time. So here goes:

I am of east asian decence, 22 years old male, whilst I was travelling back to my country for a holiday I fell deeply in love with a girl whom is a relative to me . To be more specific she is 19 years of age and is a second cousin once removed (my mother's cousin's grand daughter - if I'm correct). Now I usually would keep the cousins line out of relationship but this time I could not. I grew up in a town knowing that she was probably related to me in some way as a kid but we never really see each other and never hang around. For that reason I felt that she was a complete stranger to me and wasn't close when I saw her again. So I came back to my country the 3rd time and met up with her through my older brother and other 2nd cousin. We hanged around, at first I had no attraction towards her, but as time goes by a feeling in the stomach and chest hits the more I was with her. While there, on one night I could not sleep, my stomach was swelling with this strange feeling and my mind could not stop thinking about her. I told my brother that night that "I think I'm falling for her" (it was one of my first time telling my brother how I truly felt...and it was difficult to speak out the words, but I did it, just to hear his response). "It'll never happen, trust me" he replied curtly and went to sleep...

I grew closer to her than I ever did with anyone in my life the more I was with her. A few days before I leave the country, I could not help but to feel regretful for not letting it out and tell her how I truly felt. So I decided to pull my guts and tell her that night, I told my brother that too and he was not too happy about it. I told her that night and I already knew she felt the same thing, we were both in love with each other. We both know the situation is odd since there will be consequences. We we could not help being in love with each other. I told her that there would be no one else like her in this world and that I'd hate myself to lose this chance. She told me that there wasn't anyone else like me either. She haven't ever felt so happy and so fullfilling ever since she was with me. I truly do feel the same way. We sat next to the ocean in the night, just us two, tears in our eyes, we wanted to be together, and we ask "why do we have to be related?..." . We sat there until 2am, the wind was cold, she had curfew but did not want to go home, she wanted to be there with me. We sat there gazing deeply into each other's eyes and the next thing I couldn't believed happened, we kissed, it was the most joyful, happy, undescribable feeling I have ever felt. I told her I love her very much and she told me the same thing that night.

After leaving the country and arrived back home, I had a lot on my mind about what happened and was afraid to talk to anyone about it. I went and did a bunch of research on cousin relationship, about lineage, family tree, stats on productivity, legal actions, read many related stories and found this website, I found hope. I was still talking to my love through social media. I felt like I should talk to someone about it so I thought the closest person would be my mom and that she would try to understand. I placed my hopes and trust on her. The next thing happened she finds it shocking (yes i would be too), she yells at me for loving the girl, my mom called me crazy and an idiot, she told me with her angry face to stop loving. How can one stop love when one still love? I know my mother worries about me, but to an extent in this situation she calls over to my home country and tell my love's parents to give her a beating so she could stop talking to me. I then knew the part of forcing us two apart has come. I could not believe my own mother making threats to hurt and even to kill someone who I love. My mother told me bad things about my love so I can  change my mind but I know deep inside I know she isn't like that, I know my love to be a different kind of person and only I can see that. My family called me stuborn and selfish, stuborn yes I am for holding on to my own belief, selfish? I don't know, I love both family and my love in different ways. I want to live life without regrets and I feel that if I abandon my true feelings and hide it, I would live very miserably, I would regret it to the day I die, I hate lying.

I'll try to keep it short as I can, we try to speak to each other through the net secretly yet my family always now try to stalk what I do, where I go and whom I speak to. It hurts us very much feeling so insecure and got no one who speak to, who would understand. It becomes more of a domestic violence and abuse case for me from my older brother.

He was  always a hot headed person when there is disagreement towards his belief. He told me to stop talking to her, he threatened to make my life worse, he stares at me continously pissed off and told me to fight him. He smashes my door and invade my privacy. I came home one day exhausted from work and went into my room and saw a big mess all over, theres water on my bed, my posession being wet, Tv got disconnected, computer password locked, 8kg weight under my pillow, a decorated gift from my love went missing and the door knob unlocked, I didn't know what to feel but keep it in and move on. I took a shower, he banged the door shouted for me to come out of the shower. I came out not speaking a word to him, he continously stares at me in anger, he took my phone and smashes it agaisnt the wall, he then gave me a beating as I let him, he is my brother, I do not want to hurt family, i hold strong to my own belief yet they hurt me to force me to abandon it. I can't control who I love, is it wrong to love? even if we're related by far? Where is the freedom? Where else can I find this true happiness? My parents came out to stop the fight, mom was crying and calling back over the country to tell people to tell my love's parents to sort it out and tell her to stop contacting me. Older brother continously shouts at me, verbally abusing me and threatens me. I went inside my room and sat on my bed feeling disastourous and gloomy while he still at the door wanting to come in and beat me some more. I became depressed the following days lying just in bed most of the time, having suicidal thoughts, feeling so hopeless. Yet I still know I love her and she still loves me, I wanted to live for her, as long as we are still living I believe there is still that glimmering hope down that dark

pathway. I think a lot about moving out, disapearing from my family, I no longer feel closer to them, I honestly have never been close to them ever since growing up. Financially i am unable to move but if there was a chance I will. I need to be on my own, I truly had enough. If every positive thing in this world tells me to be true to myself, to believe in myself and decide on my own yet why am I being denied of all these things? I'm growing tired of this the more I grow up.

Just then my brother came into my room and stares at me, intimidating me while my parents are away. He asked me if I still speak to her, I do not want to speak to him as I know he always is planning to give me the worse. I don't like speaking to him. I don't feel safe. I do feel afraid. He hits down my posessions, he threatens to smash my phone again and threatens to come over to me if I don't answer. I don't want to speak, there is so much in my mind that I can not speak out as I'm not a good speaker, I stayed quiet for who I am. He stood there for 20 minutes staring at me. He made remarks about how I have changed and is ignoring family members, I honestly don't have the mind to speak to them. He slammed the door and went outside punching the punch bag loudly. I was afraid, should I call the police for help next time? Who can I speak to? I don't feel safe being around "home" anymore.

I apologize for a long post and for any bad English mistake as I am kind of tired. I kindly thank you for hearing out.


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites


You're 22. GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE. If your brother assaults you, by all means call the police. You don't mention where you are, but, I took the liberty of having a little peek. While you are not in the US, I'm pretty sure the police where you are would frown on his destruction of your property and physically assaulting you. He needs to be shown such behavior will not be tolerated.

The same goes for your cousin. You don't mention what country she is in, and so far as I know, it doesn't really matter. If she is 19, and of age, and is being beaten by her family, she should report it to the police as well. Depending on the country and culture, not much may happen, or, there is the possibility they would be given their own beating. 

Either way, YOU BOTH need to get out, and away from these people. Trust me, you love them more than they love you. You do not beat someone you love into submitting to your will. You beat someone into submission who is threatening or actually doing bodily harm. Me and my brothers can be pretty rowdy. Either of them now could probably take me eventually in a knock down drag out like we use to do when we were younger. But, they both know better than to come in my space and destroy my things. There would be no fair fight to it at that point. They know damned good and well I'd take a ball bat to them. That's because they're family. Anybody else does it, and I'll shoot them dead right there. You DO NOT have to put up with it, and you need to get out on your own NOW. Then, as soon as possible, you need to VERY QUIETLY, make arrangements for your cousin to join you. Second cousins, and beyond, are legal to marry everywhere we know of, so second cousins once removed are too. Your family is a sorely misinformed bunch of psychopaths. Where you are, FIRST cousins can marry, so you and her certainly can, without raising much of an eyebrow out of the legal system there. Once the two of you are married, you can jump through the hoops to have her become a citizen. If I have heard right, the government there has recently tightened up the rules for immigration. However, with proof of bodily harm, and a high likelihood of more should she return, she would probably be allowed in. Plus, being married would add to it. 

You need to work out a way to communicate discretely, that cannot be snooped upon by either family, make your arrangements, and when you are ready, have her leave without a word. Here in the US, we have what are called trak phones. Not that they can be tracked, pretty much the opposite. Cheap, prepaid, basically disposable, cell phones. I would think where you are there would be something very similar. Where she is, maybe, maybe not, but, you need to find out. Where there is a will, there is a way. Go on the down low. Get yourself independent as soon as at all possible. Stay in contact as quietly as you can. Make your plans, and when you are ready, go for it, and don't let anyone stop you. If they come to your house, you have them arrested, and, if there is something along the order of what we call here, a restraining order, or order of protection, put one out on them. Then, if they show up, they go to jail. Eventually, they WILL leave you alone.


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi hawk, thanks for the reply. I really do appreciate it.

The situation seems to settle down a little bit. My feelings towards my family has taken a blow though, I am at the point where I'm starting to ignore or hide from their presence. I know its not right in some way but I just can't help with this unease feeling inside. It's like I don't want to exist infront of them anymore...or at all. I know my mother is quite sad by this but I can't imagine myself apologizing to her or to anyone for something I've spoken out truly from the bottom of my heart... Am I wrong for what I'm doing?

Also we are both of Vietnamese nationality, I apologize to not have mentioned before. I haven't been in contact with my cousin for nearly 2 weeks now. In such a short time it feels like an eternity. We haven't spoken a word to each other although we see each other appearing online through facebook. Seeing her post and pictures makes me miss her so much. I miss her so much its killing me. So close but yet so far away...

At this point it looks like we won't ever speak to each other due to the situation and to keep it calm. I promised her that I would go back and see her again in the future. She told me before that she loves me and as long as I still love her she will still be there for me. However I am scared, afraid that with this long distance and non contact, in time, our feelings would change. We both told each other to write our feelings into a diary and when we see each other again we would show it to each other. I trust her and she said she trust me...There's still this unease feeling in me waking up every morning into reality to realize the situation at hand. I try to do other things to get it off my mind for a while yet cannot stop thinking about it. I'm feeling depression, going unconcious and difficult to breathe when thinking about it...One of my first cousin (a caring mature adult in her early 30s with children) lately noticed that I've been hiding from my brother and she insist to help me out. However, I feel that since the situation is involved with family it would again be another downfall...I don't know if I should tell her. I don't know what to do...I've just been having suicidal thoughts lately and that's not good at all...

I've also been looking at marriage law, it is legal where I live but I also wanted to find out the laws in Vietnam. I have been searching the whole net and coming to the point of confusion. If a law states that it is prohibited for the couple to be together if they have blood relatives of within three generation then are we in those generations? (She is my mother's cousin's grandaughter by the way). It's hard to breathe trying to find out something that may leave you broken inside...but I need to know. I know that culturally in my home country it is frown upon but why would there be possible laws existing if its possible? Is it morally wrong for me to love my second cousin once removed?. I searched around and saw some comments saying the law is ok and then some say that it was prohibited. I'm just so confused its killing me. I need help...

Here is some links for Vietnam's marriage law that I found:


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead