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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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In-love with my first cousin: need advice on how to accept the reality

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izyname    0

Hello all. This is my first post on this awesome forum as I've always been redirected from google search results, and finally I make a move to share my issue and hopefully get some advice on my situation.

So, the situation is pretty simple: I am in-love with my first cousin for YEARS. I'm 20 and she is a little bit younger than me (legal age, more than 18) and I already know her for about 15 years or so. We are meeting constantly, we know each other very well (from a young age) and I am always searching for a girlfriend who is similar to her (appearance, communication, even hobbies), in other words, comparing her to other girls.

I love her so much (!!!) that I don't even know what to do next. I don't even know if she likes me or not (as a crush), we never talked about this and I don't know if we ever will. Our family (and my country in general) is absolutelly against such things and our culture is developed against this stuff (which is very stupid). We are being raised as a conservative family (we must not date family members, because it's against everything (biologically, mentally, etc..)). And I am from Eastern Europe.

Again, back to my dilemma, I don't know how to show her that I love her more than a cousin, but also I don't know if I want to do so, because I don't want to break our relationships as it is now.

My main goal with this post is I probably want to get some advices or anything like that. I understand that I have given you so little information about my "problem" but I even stopped dating other girls because I'm always thinking about her. And this is such a HORRIBLE feeling... Maybe you know how to stop thinking about her and just go with other girls and forget about this once and for all? I am totally overwhelmed. Whatever I do, whatever I think I always thinking about my cousin...

I really appreciate anything, any words. Just please don't hate because of my current situation. Thank you all for reading this. If you have any more questions or maybe spotted an error (I'm not a native English speaker). I hope that I'm not doing a huge mistake posting this. Again, thank you ALL very much for your time :)

P.S> And yes. I named this thread "[...]need advice on how to accept the reality" because I probably will never know if I will ever share my thoughts with her. With this thread I probably seeking for a help for my current psychological state...

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Victor    0

I dont know if my reply will help you because I'm also struggling with my cousin. I think you should weigh the options you have with the consequences it comes with. Either you can never tell her and be the best cousin you can be or you can take the risk of telling her.  I told my cousin my secret couple years ago and she kind of just shrugged it off. So what did I do? I tried to block her out of my life which worked pretty well until she visits again (she comes annually). Fast forward to today, I am graduating college and and she wants to come. So she starts talking to me and my defenses start to come down and I'm completely smitten again. I am basically her tour guide in town and she just calls me her favorite cousin. Last time she called me to tell me her boyfriend was breaking up with her because he's moving. I comforted her in disgust. She acts like my telling her my secret never happened even though she acknowledged it at the time. So what I'm saying is check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Peace good luck.

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Unique    0

I hope you have found the courage to tell your cousin how you feel.  If you have not, do not wait any longer.  When I was 15 I started realizing I was attracted to my 12 year old first cousin - my father's brother's daughter.  We lived in towns 80 miles apart.  I married at 18.  She married also.  We would see each other at only at weddings, funerals and family reunions.  When I would see her I would always want to tell her of my feeling for her that had never gone away.  But I would always fail and instead make jokes and small talk.  Over many years we seen each other probably less than 10 times.

A few years ago her mother pass away.  I went to the funeral but my wife did not go.  To my surprise her husband was not there.  After the service, I passed the casket and then made my way along the grieving family members.  As I came to my cousin I wanted to tell her about my affection for her that seemed to have grown as the years had passed.  But I decided this was not the right time or place.  So again I "chickened out".

I stood for a moment in front of her, looking into her eyes.  Then we embraced.  She pulled me against her.  I felt her cheek against mine.  I thought I was going to melt.  I tightened my arms around her.  This was where I had wanted to be for such a long time.  I felt her breath on my ear as she started to speak.  "I love you." she said.  Without thinking I instantly told her I loved her too.

Long story short... We had wasted so much time because we never brought up the subject.  Our affection had begun in 1965.  We finally said "I love you" to each other in 2012.  Our lives were well passed half over.  Nearly half a century of spending time together was lost because I was afraid to bring up the subject.  Don't let something like this happen to you.

Great story thanks for sharing it.

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popzjimmy    0

I am hindu from south india and want to marry my cousin. any suggestions?

Dear sir/mam,

I love a girl and cant live without her and so does she. We have many moments with each other which is impossible us to forget. I want to marry her. But here is a problem- she is my Father’s Father brother's Son daughter. Both of us Maternal and Paternal grandparent are different. And our parents are against our relation. Her parents are looking groom for her and may fix her marriage with him soon. I do not know what to do. No one is with me to whom I can ask for help or even share my pain. I am in deep depression now. I cant live without her. I cant imagine my life without her.

So I am asking to all of you is there any way to agree them? We are in relation from paternal side not from maternal side. This relation is permitted in many hindus? If you have any link or you know any where in shastra or vedas mentioned that this relation is not prohibited please provide it to me so that she could argue to her parents. please help us please.

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Hawk    29


I'll reply in this thread, as I REALLY have an itchy trigger finger to lock, if not delete the "fake marriage" thread. Not only do we not endorse such schemes, we VERY HIGHLY discourage them.

Now, on to YOUR situation, which MAY be a little different than the norm we hear from India. If I'm reading this right, you two are second cousins. You would have to read the Hindu Marriage Act to find out for certain that second cousins can marry. It is very hard for us to wrap our heads around the laws in half of the United States, (26 prohibit 1st cousins, one way or another, IIRC) so you are going to be on your own, doing your own digging on this one. I'm not a lawyer here, so I'm certainly not one there. However, I do believe that second cousins can legally marry there. Again, you'll have to verify that for yourself. But, if they can, then go marry the girl. If it is legal, and you do it legally, if family interferes, file either charges, a legal complaint, a restraining order, or whatever the legal remedy there is called. Do not cower to threats of violence. If you are threatened, call the police. The only way things will change in India is for SOMEONE to make a stand. With your history, the forces of change must do it peaceably. You and her absolutely refuse to marry anyone other than each other. If you have to, LEAVE. In your case, you can simply go to another part of the country and start a new life. DO NOT TELL ME THAT IS NOT AN OPTION. IT IS. Especially, in your case, if second cousins are legal. You feel the same cultural pressures to kowtow to and support a family which will not reciprocate to see YOU happy. YOU OWE THEM NO MORE RESPECT THAN THEY SHOW YOU. They have THEIR life, to make THEIR decisions. Not theirs AND yours. You do what makes YOU TWO happy. In the end, when they have all passed, and that time approaches you, you will have to decide if to your own self you have been true. If you have lived your life for the pleasure of someone else, (other than YOUR chosen spouse, which YOU have picked) then you have lived a lie. I don't know about you, but I'll not be that guy.

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