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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest AshR

please help...please advise...am stuck, cnt see any way out

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hi all...

i have known my cousin since my birth, since 26 yrs (he is 27). But it's been 11yrs we have been in love...it took me 2yrs just to confess this to my own self...lol i was in total state of denial...did it all-tried to date smone, try to hook him with another girl...u name it. its been a beautiful story...we grew up together..studied together, this includes 6yrs of long-distance relationship...we became professionals...n now...its time........

It was a relationship kept under wraps. However, coming from a hindu family...my folks started to worry about my lack of interest in boys or in wedding...the pressure has been building sine 2yrs...this was driving my mother insane-she is LIVING to get me wedded, whatever her logic is...i could not change it.apparently am growing old and and all relatives are getting more anxious than even me lolllll!!! this sounds to oldish! never thought my own life would like like this!

It took me 1.5yrs (since losing my dad)  to finally decide and get ready to speak to my mom and elder bro...well let me tell you-it took my all the guts in the world to tell that that i love my guy.

They find it a stigma, this relationship is beyond their understanding, they can't but ask themselves how i could even bring this to my mind let alone my tongue. my mother is furious, it looks like a matter of life and death to get me married to another guy as soon as possible. i love my mom like crazy...and i wish she would agree in sm way or the other.

my brother is a lot cooler-though not very lenient-about this whole thing...

my cousin will be speaking to his father soon and i expect the same kind of response...

i need some advice..maybe some hope.

my mother is like..not even WANTING to think about it. too taboo for her. a sin almost.

being with him is natural...now they are asking me to make a choice-my mom or him.......in any way...my mom just wants to see m married-somehow someway..by hook or by crook.

has any been there before???

please help...

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AshR,

If you are both professionals, I take it you would have the luxury of mobility. I would take advantage of it.

  I would think you could move elsewhere, to a country where you would be allowed to marry. The parents are still going to wig out, but, if you capitulate, you can fully well expect them to continue to run your lives until the day they die. By then, there will be no going back for the two of you. I realize that in your culture, it is almost unheard of to make a clean break from your family. Almost as unheard of as a cousin relationship. But, if you two want to be together and be happy, to migrate to where you can do so is really the only option we here can, in good conscience, give to you. 

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i'm going to stick with the basic dillema. the ultimatum. him or your mom.

here's what i would suggest saying to your family. TRUE love, the unconditional kind of love a parent has for a child, does not resort to manipulative ultimatums. you are an adult, and you are entitled to make your own choices, even if they meet with the disapproval of others. and then i would let them know that while you would never want to lose the warm, loving relationship with your family, if THEY choose to terminate the relationship because of THEIR unacceptance, then you will respect THEIR choice.

seriously. you are grown adults. you can't allow your family to dictate your lives. they need to grow up. and if they won't and you choose to cave into their demands, then we need to re-evaluate who has the most growing up to do. and i'm not saying that to be mean. i'm saying that to give you then encouragement you need to stand your ground.

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