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Hi :-)

I am a 19 year old girl that is head over heels in love with her first cousin, who is 26. Our story is a very complicated one, that has been full of tons of hardships. When I was only 16 (I know this sounds wrong, maybe it is) I added my cousin on Facebook, let's just call him S. S is the son of my mom's brother, but we haven't been in contact much. We were around each other while we were young up until probably until I was in 3rd or 4th grade, and then no contact from then on until I was 16. ANYWAY, I added him on Facebook and we started talking normally, then it turned into compliments, flirting, and it actually turned into a full relationship after a few months. He was 23 at the time, so besides him being my cousin, he was also way too old for anyone's approval. I begged and begged him to come and pick me up, and he finally agreed. I would sneak out of my house and have my friend wait at my house ready to call if anything happened. We would drive up into an old field and just talk and hold hands and kiss and cuddle and it was amazing. A few weeks into this, my mom found out. This almost tore our family apart, I didn't imagine that they would react in the way they did. Our parents argued on the phone, and my dad threatened to call the police. I was grounded for 6 months or so.

As you can probably guess we didn't talk again until now. I still live at home, but plan on going to college next year (hopefully). We started talking a few months and it's like we never stopped. I can tell him anything, I just connect with him, he's amazing. He's something I've always been looking for but didn't know what it was until I found it. As I do live with my parents still, and because of our situation and past, we still have to sneak around.

I just feel so safe, and so happy when I'm around him. We've talked about how this is a bad situation, but I think he's willing to try and make it work. He is definitely worth the risk, he makes every doubt I get fade away.

There's something about S that I just can't stop wanting, I just feel so many things about him. I love him.

I'm so worried about the future, how could it work? Will it work?

The only person that knows about this is my best friend, it's so hard being so in love with someone and not being able to gush to everyone about how happy you are.

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  • Moderator

You are in a pickle!  You are not yet independent and are relying upon the goodness of your parents to provide for you.  Even if you are contributing to household expenses, you are still a young adult who hasn't fully claimed her independence.  This makes you beholden, to a great degree, to your parents.    Combine that with your history as a 16 year old with this man and there is indeed a recipe for disaster here.

The fact that a 23 year old man was not wise enough to wait a year or two to begin dating a teenage girl, and not only that but he abetted you in directly disobeying your parents rules when you sneaked out of the house, raises red flags for me.  I am by no means saying that this is a bad deal (I really can't say one way or the other with the information you've provided), I am saying that if you were my daughter, I would be seeing red flags all over the place.

From a parent's perspective, the true dilemma here is that your parents don't trust him (and maybe not you) because of your history.  That's not to say that the trust can't be rebuilt, but it must be addressed.  So, whether he was your cousin or just simply a guy from school/church/work/the neighborhood/wherever,  that you sneaked out of the house to see and now 3 years later you are wanting to rekindle the romance - there will be issues to work through.  You didn't mention if they had any issues with the fact that you are cousins; it sounds like they were "just" upset (and rightfully so) that you were sneaking out of the house to see an adult man.

You also must realize that as long as you live in your parents' house, their rules will be king.  Like it or not, it's their house.  The fact that you have reverted back to sneaking around to see him again is only going to make things worse.  You need to tell your parents or move out on your own and start making your own decisions.  I would advise (take it as you see fit), that if you move out, you do not move in with this man.  At least not yet.  You need to establish yourself and simply date him before you make any big commitments to him.  You have been experiencing a fantasy with this man - all this sneaking around has made him seem forbidden and more desirable.  Slow down a little and see where things go.

Let's say, for argument's sake, that you tell your parents you want to see this man and they get all upset and refuse to allow it to happen while you live with them.  Are you willing to put a wedge between you and the people that are giving you shelter and food?  Are you willing to possibly damage the relationship with your parents for a romance that may or may not work out?  You need to think this through carefully.  If you were a fully independent woman, working full time, paying all your own bills and maintaining your own house or apartment, I would tell you to follow your heart, to hell with everyone else.  But you are not that.  Until you are out from under your parent's roof, you will be limited in the choices you can make concerning your cousin.

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  • Old Timer

Hi xoxot, welcome to the site.

As Serendipity has inferred, you need to look at what you are risking. I doubt very much that your parents will be easily won over to your point of view. They are still going to be very sore that their adult nephew was messing with their juvenile daughter. Any decent, loving parent would be.

You mentioned that you are hoping to start college soon. Don't let this relationship override that. A good education is your insurance if  things don't work out and you have to support yourself. I suggest you put your relationship with your cousin on hold until you complete your education. If he's sincere about you, he'll allow you to do that and wait for you. if he's not cool about it, then he's just being selfish, and you're just another piece of ass to him.

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What exactly is HIS situation like? Did he finish school? Does he have a job? Does he live on his own? Is he willing to help provide for you where your parents would not?

You may be able to make this work and still go to college...it's hard to put these kinds of feelings on hold because they will torment you for years, especially if you feel he is the one.

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I disagree with the last post in its entirety. 

It conveys the impression that the writer has not comprehended the situation under discussion and is written in a manner that suggests the writer is searching for validation of his own personal feelings or situation.


Are you currently sneaking out to meet your cousin or is the communication purely via messages / phone etc atm?

I would urge you to stick with the college plan.  Even if you and your cousin were able to start the happy ever from tomorrow, there is always a risk that the relationship will not work out.  There is a saying around here, "Cousins are people too".  Just because he is your cousin doesn't mean that the two of you will be able to make a relationship work forever after.  People change and grow.  What if, in 10yrs time, your relationship breaks down and you have no skills, no qualifications and no experience to fall back on to support yourself.  Get out there and make yourself fireproof. 

Lori :)

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  • Moderator

Lori, said poster has done this in more than one thread.

He has been warned about bashing, which in this post he did not do,but has

in previous ones.

We can disagree with him,( and I do), so just take it with a grain of salt.

A poster will take what is relevant to them and disregard the rest.

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