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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Looking for answers, help, advice.

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One of my best friends found out roughly 16 yrs ago that he had fathered a child with his first cousin about 9 yrs prior ( the dates may be a little inaccurate, but close enough, I apologize ). The cousin was abused by and introduced to sex at a very very young age by her mother and her mother's lesbian lover. She was not only put through hell by those two, but also by the son of the lesbian lover, who would occasionally rape her. As the years went on and she became a teen, she became as the old adage says, "easy"? "loose"? Ill just say, she was extremely promiscuous. My friend who was also a teen, I believe he was around 14 then, used to get drunk in the garage with his buddy when his parents were out. There would be times when the cousin and her mom, his aunt, would come over to sit for his parents. His cousin would make her way to his room and begin trying to fool around and engage in sex with him while he was knocked out. He told me one time he woke up to her performing oral sex on him. My friend was no saint back then ( the drinking makes that obvious enough ), but he would never willingly engage in a sexual act with his cousin. He spoke to me and his sister about it, and we demanded she stop trying to carry on like this with him. She obliged and stopped. Later down the road, the cousin ends up pregnant. None of us were surprised, given her history and how open she was to sexual encounters. Several years went by and the cousin was now married and had two more children. One night an argument broke out and the cousin's husband went on rant about her telling her "big secret". He went on to tell the whole lot of guests at their house that she got pregnant by her cousin and her oldest daughter was his. Now my friend is a grown man with his own two children and fiance. He was just overwhelmed and torn to pieces. The revelation was just shattering to him. The cousin demanded a paternity test and child support if he was indeed proven to be the father. He agreed with his head down in absolute shame. She went into the child support offices never telling them that he was her first cousin. Her and her husband ridiculed him as if he were a common deadbeat dad and as if they never knew him. It was all a joke to them. The test came back that he was the father and his paychecks were immediately garnished for back support and further support. He never asked, never fought. He just accepted it and tried his best to keep his head up. The child reached the age of 18 and had long quit school, so the garnishing stopped. The cousin remarried and had 4 more children moving out of state. All was forgotten and swept under the rug. Put behind him, his friends, and family that stuck by him. Until last week. Another friend of ours casually mentioned that he was a grandpa. He had seen that the daughter he had with his cousin now had a baby of her own. No one had spoke about the cousin, the incidents, the baby for years. He was instantly shook to the core hearing it all again. I, with his sister, and wife have been trying to find answers about the dna test, the fact that they are cousins, how it all happened, anything to help put him at ease. He wont come on here, can anyone pls advise me or help me give him some peace or recourse? Tysm for taking the time.

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If there is a hell, it sounds to me like several people in your story here have front row seats warming up for them. And it ISN'T your friend, you, his wife, or his sister. What kind of imperious ass would force such an issue, openly, at a family function? Was there nobody there with the gonads to stand up for your friend? It's a good thing I'm not in that family, and I wasn't at that function. They would not have considered it a joke by the time I was done with them. No one else in the family would have found any humor in it either. But, I'm not, and I wasn't.

At any rate, your friend has NOTHING to be ashamed about. Not even the fact that he had sex with his cousin. Though it carries a stigma now, he has merely joined the billions of people throughout history who have done so. He has nothing to be ashamed about his parenting this child either, even if he had zero influence in her life. Once he found out his responsibility, he lived up to it. Her issues fall squarely on the shoulders of these wretched "parents" of hers. NOT her biological father.

While this site isn't really quite the forum he needs, I'm not sure any place other than here would understand, and not make further sport of him. We do have tales of woe here. We have tales of families behaving badly toward their progeny all the time. We hear tales of cousins using and abusing their cousins. We remind our members often enough that cousins are people too, with all the flaws and neuroses of any other random human being out there. And even though he didn't have, or apparently want a relationship with his cousin, (as this forum is set up for) that doesn't mean he shouldn't come here and look around and realize that these situations do indeed end badly sometimes. He isn't the first by far to have a cousin with less than stellar behavior, or morals. If he would care to come here, we would do our best to convince him of that. Other than us, I'm not sure what other "group therapy" for someone in his situation that there would be. We would certainly do what we could to ease his mind, I'll assure you. Copy this and show him if he insists on not coming here, but let him know he's more than welcome to lurk if he wants to. I would chat with him, but, the site recently went through a major overhaul, and we ditched the chat room. If he does feel the need for feedback, he can post perfectly anonymously, and the guys and gals here will try to help him through all this drama....

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