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Our Family is Against our Relationship

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I am currently dating my adoptive cousin.

How we are related:

His grandma (deseased) and my grandma (alive) are sisters.

His grandma adopted his mom.

His mom had him.

My mom had me.

I guess we are considered adoptive first cousins once removed. We just recently opened up about our relationship with our parents. We knew there would be some tension but we weren't expecting both of our families to become absolutely crazy and unwilling to be apart of our lives. I asked what was so wrong about it to my mom and she just kept saying that he's my cousin and that there is no line I won't cross. Yes, I grew up with him. He is 19 and I am 24. But for the last 10-11 years of our lives, we have barely been around each other. Our families never have reunions or get together's.

I'm not sure how to handle our family right now. No one is willing to listen and everyone is being hostile towards us. I'm even getting texts and calls from my half sister telling me to leave our mom alone because she can't handle the irresponsible behaviors of a 24 year old. Everyone keeps telling us to break up because it will affect the family too much if we stay together. Shouldn't they are that we are happy together? I'm tired of hearing about the "poor choices" I'm making in my life just because I'm dating my cousin.

Will I ever be able to get through this difficult time? Will there be a time where everyone is accepting?

We are starting our future together and I don't want to raise my children without half of our family just because they are against our relationship.


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Actually I believe you are second cousins.

The "adoptive" part has no relevance to the situation.

I don't have much advice and am sure Hawk will chime in soon.

He is awesome with these situations!

If I were a betting person, I would imagine that their view on

your relationship has more to do with your ages ( him being

younger). Not that it is inherently wrong, but at your ages

at this time there is a  big difference in maturity.  A few

years later for both probably wouldn't be such a big deal.

( I understand that you are going to say I am wrong on this

matter, but as a  "more mature" member of the board and a

mother and grandmother myself, that would be more my

reservations that the "cousin-ness!)

By the way second cousins can legally marry just about ANYWHERE that we know of.


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Roma is correct. You are second cousins. The adoptive part plays no part legally, since second cousins can marry everywhere we know of. Your family is WAY off base, and I seriously doubt there is anything you can say or do that will get them on board. You two are of legal age, but I will agree with Roma on the age difference being an issue as far as maturity goes. When I was your cousins' age, my GF was a year older than you, so far be it from me to cast stones. However, even though everyone said I was mature for my age, (and, I suppose I was) I still wasn't mature enough for a lifetime commitment. Looking back, I probably should have settled down and married that girl. We would have done well for ourselves. She's certainly done well enough for herself. But, I was young, and had to sow my wild oats, and it didn't last. I'm in no way implying your cousin is anywhere near as wild as I was at that time. That would take SOME doing on his part. I just want you to realize there is a maturity difference that will lessen with time, provided you two can survive the drama that long. Demographics being what they are, I do consider that age spread to be desirable. Strictly by the numbers, it allows for a long and happy life, with not so much time alone for one or the other partner in the end, seeing that men usually pass a few years sooner than women. Of course, I could be a little biased as well, as that certainly wasn't the only older woman I was with back in the day. I did like those older women....LOL 

I'm not so sure that I agree with Roma on that being a bigger factor with the family. Roma IS happily married to her second cousin, so her perspective on the "cousin factor" vs the "maturity factor" will be a little different for her. She knows the facts, whereas your family, I'm sure, has bought into the propaganda about cousin relationships that has developed over the last century and a half or so. Unless and until they are willing to look at and face the facts of the matter, you are banging your heads against a wall trying to convince them. The best way to do so is to be happy together, and not let their foolishness and ignorance of the facts affect your relationship. With time, the drama will lessen. You just have to hold out until it does.

Going back to his age, is he still in school? If not, IMHO, he needs to be. He doesn't have to be a brain surgeon, (unless of course, he's that smart, and has the means to afford such an education) but he does need to get some sort of education or certifications he can parlay into gainful employment. Are you in a position to support him while he does so? Since I've been here, I've tempered my advice from getting full-blown degrees, to possibly a trade school/certification program for our younger members. It is generally cheaper, less time involved, more focused on the actual job you will be doing, and can lead to better $$$ than many degrees. You will find I'm big on this, and I'm going to encourage you, being the elder, to encourage and support him in this regard. That will speak to YOUR maturity level, and be an obvious example to family that you have his, and the relationships', long term best interest in mind.


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