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soulfighter

I'm left broken hearted by my first cousin...PLS. HELP & take time to read :'(

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Me and my first cousin (let's hide him by the name, "kuya") are a very close family... while we were still very young, I always visit their home, and we would play or just talk and do anything random including with his other siblings, there are 4 of them... until such a time that his father died (my mother's older brother)because of a stroke. My mother (not my real biological mother, she's basically my aunt because I'm just adopted, and my real biological mother is her sister, whom I thought was my aunt, that was before they told me everything) My mother... decided to start to take some of them in for custody... to help my aunt with their studies, since they came from a very poor family and my aunt left as a widow is a very tough one raising 4 kids alone with a work only as a maid. So, my mother first took in his older sister (the first born) during those times, my other uncle, which is my mother's other older brother married my aunt,(kuya's mother), which made him their step father.

My mother helped kuya's older sister with her college degree which was only a 2 years course because that was the only thing my mother can afford with helping. We are not very rich. We are just in the middle class, and as of that time, I was taking my Bachelor's degree in a medical field. I was also in college. and it was probably tough for her having us both 2 in college with so much expenses, especially with me. Until such time my first cousin graduated college.

My mother then took in her younger brother (3rd born). Here comes Kuya. He and his older sister was reunited again after 2 years, and they had been together living with us for 1 year before his sister left some other place to find work. So, kuya at that time was in his 2nd year of high school. (we have a 5 years gap! I'm older than him) At first, we were sweet together, just as cousins, and I really loved him as my cousin. I loved him like a child. I would some times hang out with him and hold hands with him in public. until such a time, we had a huge argument. and I haven't been the same with him ever since. It was then I was becoming bitter with him. 2-3 years had passed. He was at his 4th year of high school, graduating as of that time. And I have already graduate at that time, and I was reviewing for my upcoming board exam to get my license. that was when MY LOVE STORY WITH MY FIRST COUSIN BEGINS...

THAT TIME, I WAS HELPING OUR OTHER COUSIN TO FIND A JOB IN OUR CITY. AND SHE NOTICED THAT ME AND KUYA ARE NEVER CLOSE. AND MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS HIM WAS DIFFERENT, WE WERE ALOOF AS SHE EXPECTED US TO BE MORE CLOSER WITH EACH OTHER SINCE WE ARE RESIDING IN ONE HOME TOGETHER. WE HAD A WORLD OF OUR OWN.

OUR OTHER COUSIN WAS AN EYE OPENER TO ME, AND WHAT SHE SAID TO ME MADE ME REALIZE AND CHANGED HOW THINGS WERE WITH ME AND KUYA. MY INTENTIONS WAS CLEAN. I WANT TO BE IN GOOD TERMS WITH HIM. MAKE PEACE WITH HIM. AND RE-KINDLE THE KIND OF SIBLING-LIKE RELATIONSHIP WE HAD ONCE BEFORE.

SO AROUND MARCH, AT HIS UPCOMING GRADUATION, I PREPARED HIM HIS SPECIAL PRESENT FROM ME, A WATCH AND A WALLET. A GIFT. WHICH INCLUDES A SORRY-I'LL MAkE IT UP TO YOU-LETTER. ON HIS GRADUATION DAY. (HE GRADUATED CLASS SALUTATORIAN.) I SURPRISED HIM. AND THAT WAS SEEMS TO BE THE BEGINNING OF A WE'RE-GOOD-RELATIONSHIP AS COUSINS. WE BEGIN TO SHARE OUR PERSONAL LIVES WITH EACH OTHER, SHARING SECRETS. AND BECOME MORE OPEN. WE ALWAYS TALK. WE'RE ALWAYS TOGETHER. WE GO OUT, HANG OUT TOGETHER, UNTIL I WAS BEGINNING TO FALL FOR MY FIRST COUSIN. (KUYA) A LOVE DIFFERENT AND GREATER THAN A LOVE OF JUST A COUSIN. I KNOW IT WAS WRONG, BUT I FELT IT WAS RIGHT. BUT, FIRST COUSIN RELATIONSHIP IS CONSIDERED TABOO AND A SOCIAL STIGMA IN OUR COUNTRY. (PHILIPPINES)

AT FIRST, I KEPT IT A SECRET FROM ANYONE. INCLUDING HIM. AND I FELT AND I THOUGHT HE WAS ALSO DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR ME. COZ OF THE WAY HE LOOKS AT ME. LIKE THERE IS SOMETHING AT THE WAY HE LOOKS AT ME. LIKE ITS A MAGNET, AND I'M MAGNETIZED BY HIS EYES LOCKING EYES WITH HIM. THE WAY HE TREATS ME. AND THE WAY WE MOVE. HE WAS SO GENTLE. SO KIND. SO LOVING. AND I WAS SO SWEET WITH HIM. EVEN HIMSELF ADMITS TO ME THAT "YOU'RE SWEET" AND HOW MANY TIMES HE COMPLIMENTS ME THAT "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL/ YOU'RE CUTE". MAKES ME FEEL WARM. AND ONLY LOVE HIM EVEN MORE. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. I THOUGHT THE FEELING WAS MUTUAL, LIKE I COULD REALLY FEEL IT.

UNTIL ONE NIGHT, I SLEPT IN BED WITH HIM, NOTHING SEXUAL HAPPENED. I ONLY KISSED HIM. ON THE LIPS. I PLANTED A TORRID ONE. HE WAS RESPONDING WITH MY KISSES. IT WAS MY FIRST KISS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF FORCES BROUGHT ME THE COURAGE TO DO SUCH A THING. I ONLY KNOW ONE THING, IF I DON'T DO THIS NOW, I WILL REGRET IT FOREVER. AND I WILL ONLY FOREVER WONDER. I WILL NEVER KNOW HIS TRUE FEELINGS WITH ME IF IT WAS EITHER MUTUAL OR NOT.

WHEN IT HAPPENED, WE TALKED ABOUT IT. WE WERE SMILING AND LAUGHING. BUT DEEP DOWN I WAS SERIOUS. BUT HIS IDEA WAS THAT IT WAS BAD. IT WAS WRONG. AND HE CAN'T HELP BUT SAY HE'S "SORRY." BUT I KISSED HIM AGAIN, JUST TO MAKE SURE. BUT IT SEEMS TO HAVE NEVER CHANGED HIS THOUGHT WITH OUR FIRST CONVERSATION. HE SAID MAYBE HE JUST GOT CARRIED AWAY TO WHY HE RESPONDED WITH MY KISSES. ETC. HE'S A GUY. ETC. (OR REASONS REASONS REASONS? OR IS IT REALLY THE TRUTH?) SO WE AGREED IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS MORE DIFFERENT NOW. WE BECAME MORE INTIMATE. SURE, WE DON'T KISS. BUT THE CLOSENESS GOT CLOSER.  WE HAD FUN TOGETHER, ALWAYS TOGETHER.

UNTIL ONE EVENING HE ASKED ME FOR A KISS. I KISSED HIM QUICKLY ON THE LIPS. BUT HE ASKED FOR ANOTHER ONE AGAIN, THIS TIME IT WAS LONGER, IT WAS FRENCH TORRID. AFTER THAT HE CONFRONTED WITH ME. AND I ASKED IF HE LOVES ME. HE SAID "WE NEED TO STOP. THIS IS WRONG. I DON'T LOVE YOU FOR MORE THAN JUST A COUSIN. MAYBE I KISSED YOU AGAIN BECAUSE OF THE EFFECT OF THE KISS YOU GAVE ME. YOU KNOW YOU'RE JUST TOO GOOD TO ME TO BE SWEET AS SAME AS YOU. I'M NOT FOR YOU, ONE DAY THE RIGHT GUY FOR YOU WILL BE COMING FOR YOU. AND HE SHOULD BE THE ONE KISSING YOU, NOT ME. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR FIRST KISS. NOT ME." I WAS SHOCKED. SO UNPREPARED OF THAT SPEECH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO. I STILL DENIED MY TRUE FEELINGS AND INTENTIONS. BECAUSE I WAS VERY AFRAID. I KEPT IT A SECRET.

I GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR 5 DAYS FOR MY IN-HOUSE BEFORE MY BOARD EXAM DATES. I MET A NEW FRIEND. A ROOM MATE. AND SHE WAS THE 1ST PERSON I EVER TOLD ABOUT ME AND KUYA. AT FIRST, I WAS VERY AFRAID BUT MY ANXIETY WILL ONLY INCREASE WITH OUR UPCOMING BOARD EXAM AND I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO. SO I TOLD HER. AND SHE WASN'T REALLY SURPRISED. BECAUSE SHE ALSO KNEW A FRIEND WHO EVEN GOT ACTUALLY MARRIED TO HER FIRST COUSIN. AND SHE TOLD ME IT WASN'T WRONG TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MY COUSIN. I JUST HAVE TO DISCUSS IT WITH HIM. AND MAKE HIM CONFESS THE TRUTH COZ FOR HER, WITH THE WAY I SAID THINGS, HE ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME. HE JUST WON'T ADMIT IT BECAUSE OF DENIAL. (PROBABLY)

SO AFTER MY BOARD EXAM. I DECIDED TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH. THAT I LOVE HIM. BUT AT THAT TIME HE ALREADY LEFT OUR HOME FOR HE WAS AT A DORM IN HIS COLLEGE. HE GOT A FULL SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM THAT REQUIRES HIM TO STAY IN. BUT I LEFT HIM A LETTER. I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING INCLUDING WHAT MY NEW FRIEND HAD TOLD ME. IT WAS A WAY FOR ME TO COMMUNICATE TO HIM THAT ITS NOT A CRIME FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. BUT, I GOT NO RESPONSE. OF COURSE, 1ST I THOUGHT MAYBE BECAUSE ITS A CELLPHONE FREE DORMITORY OF HIS. NO CELLPHONES ALOUD. AND HE HAVE NO OTHER WAYS TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME.

WHEN HE GOT A SHORT COME BACK HOME FROM HIS DORM BECAUSE OF THE FOGGING IN THEIR DORMITORY. I CONFRONTED WITH HIM AGAIN. YET, I STILL GOT THE SAME RESPONSE ALL OVER AGAIN. BUT THIS TIME IT GOT WORST. HE TOLD ME IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE OF LUST. I DON'T LOVE YOU. OR FEEL ANYTHING FROM YOU. YET, I'M VERY TOUGH TO CRACK THIS IS NOW OR NEVER FOR ME. I TOLD HIM THAT EARLIER WITH OUR CONVERSATION, I CONFESSED AND CONSULTED WITH A PRIEST WITH WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH US. AND THE PRIEST HAD TOLD ME THAT IT IS NEVER NOT ALLOWED FOR 1ST COUSINS TO MARRY IN OUR COUNTRY. IT IS JUST DISCOURAGED. I THOUGHT THAT WOULD CHANGE HIS WAY OF THINKING. BUT HE JUST TOLD ME THINGS ALL OVER AGAIN. THAT TO HIM IT IS STILL WRONG. THAT EVEN SO THAT WAS THAT, HE STILL WON'T MARRY ME BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LOVE ME.

I KNOW THAT I'M STUPID FOR ASKING THE OBVIOUS QUESTIONS. BUT I'M STILL NOT CONVINCED. I HAVE THIS GUT STUPID INSTINCT THAT HE'S LYING, HE'S JUST MAKING UP EVERYTHING BECAUSE HE'S STILL IN SCHOOLING AND COMING FROM A VERY POOR FAMILY HE WANTS TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL AND BE ABLE TO HELP HIS FAMILY SOMEDAY, NOT LET LOVE BE HIS 1ST PRIORITY RIGHT NOW. I WISHED HE COULD HAVE JUST SAID THINGS DIFFERENTLY.  WHAT WILL I DO? I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. IT HURTS SO MUCH. AND I'M CRYING ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. PLEASE HELP ME.

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Hi soulfighter,

I read through your entire post. First, I want to say, "please dry your tears". I know it hurts like crazy - almost like your soul's not in your body kind of feeling - to hear him talk so REALISTICALLY to you. About guys "saying it differently":  But all of us women, when we complain, don't we wish all guys can talk and say things to us the way we want to hear them?

We women are always wanting guys who can communicate well with us, and AFTER we get married, real life takes over - and then we want to be in love with a man who is also successful, and don't we want them to be Strong and Mature also? Your instincts about him becoming successful and then taking care of his feelings might be right. However, as with all matters of the heart, TIME will tell. Since your cousin is 5 years younger, let him have this time to become a Man - feelings change, people grow.

Every successful man wants an equally strong and qualified girl. So, in the mean time, focus on becoming a better, successful woman - a woman ANY man might respect and fall in love with. Show your cousin how stable you are both career-wise and emotionally - that your talking to him about the priest etc. was not some infatuated girl spilling her heart out. If your love for him is true, give him the confidence that he can come and relate to you as a mature woman/cousin/friend FIRST - let him come and seek you out - he'll likely always remember what had happened between you two.

So, definitely try your best - not some half-attempt - to talk to yourself like you would talk to a little kid sister who comes to you for help.

Take it slow - EVERYDAY.

Yes, there will be days you will remember him and all that High Happy feelings you got when you were with him.

Do not write to him, or push him in any way - he will only run. If you feel panicky and anxious that he will forget you, immediately train yourself to say "okay, if my love is TRUE, he will come to me - otherwise, THE RIGHT GUY WILL FIND ME" - this will calm you down with any longing you might feel.

Having said all this, if a man likes a woman - it doesn't matter if she is old, young, rich, poor, cousin - he will find a way to reach her and find something meaningful with her.

You need a loving, understanding, MATURE, caring guy in your life - WAIT, AND WATCH to see if your cousin can provide that for you. After all I have seen in life, THERE IS SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE. You never know - Life has the most amazing ways of working out.

We have a saying "MORE THAN WHO YOU LOVE, MARRY THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU MORE - AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY"

Best Wishes.

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Hi, Soulfighter

Engel is right. Try to focus on yourself first. You still both don't have any foundation to hold on to if you both pursue this kind of relationship. How old are you anyway? I'm also Filipino so I understand this Social Taboos in our country and to pursue an unknown war (cousin relationship) without any weapon (knowledge, money etc.) is a big No No.

Just think of it this way, with all the crisis our country is facing (and it keeps getting bigger) and with all the people who will continuously discriminate Taboo situations and makes bad gossip on the people involve (like they are all saints), would you really (or your cousin) venture this path bare hands?

You both might, (that's how my cousin and I did and now I lost my cousin, forever) but then, in such situation the possibility for you to lose him after a while of being together is very high (a lot of us did). So if you really love him or if you really want to spend your whole life with him then put this on the back burner and focus on building a bright and more solid future for you. If he comes to you (this time mature and independent), in that time you're already an independent and successful woman so everything will be less complicated and you will be both ready to pursue it and face the fight. If he doesn't you will still be a successful person.

You didn't lose him yet, you can't never lose someone you never had. It's just maybe now is not the right time for the both of you (mostly for him) to pursue it. It is much better to have the love of our life in the long run than to have them temporarily.

We have a saying "MORE THAN WHO YOU LOVE, MARRY THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU MORE - AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY"

Although I don't know if I agree on this saying. I mean yes, we could be happy with the one who loves us more but, what if we ourselves love someone else more? And we don't feel truly and genuinely happy (although we are happy) with the one who loves us?

Yet on my situation, I wish my cousin would imply this saying. Because I love my cousin like no other can do I am sure with that yet my cousin is happy with someone else now.      Nice quote though.

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thank you for taking the time reading and giving me your thoughts about this...

but you see, I also fail to add one more detail about me and my cousin... you see, before eveything else falls between us, when we were still beginning to come closer after our peace offering (the gift and letter given from me to kuya) he mentioned a girl he said he has a crush on/ fell in love with. And he was telling me that things got almost impossible to them but they are still hoping... he still wishes for them to have a second chance... and he'll come back to her.. BUT... after having that conversation with him, that was when we were becoming closer.. we share our personal tales and I also share with him about my past relationships with some guys... but then somewhere along the run, I was falling in love to my cousin (Kuya)... and somewhere I thought... maybe he already moved on... since we were happy together and THE KISS, It was almost REAL. the feeling's real, and the love seems to be there... until the many confrontations we have... I feel shocked... discouraged... but deep inside me I was still hoping for us... there's still something in me that's holding on wishing for a fight for this love... but one day... his mother (my aunt, kuya's mother-- she doesn't kow anything about us) told me that Kuya told her that he (kuya) mentioned wanting to go back to THIS CERTAIN GIRL... and her family accepted him... I was HURT... that was a blow in me... because once before... he had told me the same... that he wants to pursue THIS GIRL... but her family is strict regarding having their girl having a boyfriend... but upon learning that Kuya will be the one to be courting her, they accepted him and they are very glad about it. Since, kuya is a smart and gentle guy, who wouldn't want that?

but, even though he had said those things to me in the past... I'm holding on to what we had... I love kuya so much... and I can't believe that he's just only using me... I want to believe he loves me... I mean I can feel the feelings is there but he's denying it or his still confused... I mean, if he really loved that girl at the first place, he wouldn't have done those things with me... he wouldn't have kissed me... he should have stopped, knowing that I'm his older cousin he's living with... to me, what he DID clearly indicated by his actions that speaks louder than words, that he also had wanted it...

plus, even though he rejected me 2 or 3 times already... one day, he came home early... just this sept. 1, 2013 I wasn't expecting him to come home, (they were allowed to go outthat one day, just for a short visit or anything they want to do) he just took his cellphone mama gave him, or some personal stuff... that usually our maid would take to his dorm... I mean he could have just waited that our maid delivers it to him personally in his dormitory... instead he went home early in the morning...

and he had to replay a song over and over again on youtube... the song was "BORN FOR YOU" BY David Pomeranz... he's also singing the line... "I was born for you and that you are born for me..." knowing and aware that I was just there on the next room! I mean what is he trying to do... I know that he's probably just listening to it... but it seems to be indicating a different kind meaning to me... (parang nananadya na siya...)

I read the lyrics online after that and here I found the lyrics:

BORN FOR YOU by David Pomeranz

Too many billion people

Running around the planet

What is the chance in heaven

That you'd find your way to me?

Tell me what is this sweet sensation?

It's a miracle that's happened

Though I search for an explanation

Only one thing it could be -

That I was born for you

It was written in the stars

Yes, I was born for you

And the choice was never ours

It's as if the powers of the universe

Conspired to make you mine

And til the day I die,

I bless the day that I was born for you

Too many foolish people

Trying to come between us

None of them seem to matter

When I look into your eyes

Now I know why I belong here

In your arms I found the answer

Somehow nothing would seem so wrong here

If they'd only realise

That I was born for you

And that you were born for me

And in this random world,

This was clearly meant to be

What we have the world could never understand

Or ever take away

And till the day I die

I bless the day that I was born for you

What we have the world could never understand

Or ever take away

And as the years go by

Until the day I die

I bless the day that I was born for you

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/david_pomeranz/

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