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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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JDE

Funny how life works out / cousin confessions...

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My 1st Cousin and I have been in a monogamous relationship since August 2007. It's been a bumpy ride at times but well worth it. Currently age wise we are both in our early 40's, so full maturity and know exactly what we want out of life. The bumpy road has been with family and their speculating about our relationship, which from my point of view is none of there business. Both of our mothers are sister and they have always wondered if we were romantically involved. The family speculation had spread that we were together, but her and I live 3 States away from both our mothers and extended family members. So they have no actual proof we're madly in love. All bad news if the family ever got confirmation we were a couple, disowned, business all out on social media, scrutinized to the ultimate degree, you get the picture. Why should we have to go through that, so the lies continue with the family. Don't care none of their business. They don't pay one of our bills.

Any-who, we have been living together the entire time we've been romantically involved. Have 2 beautiful daughters together both are toddlers and very smart girls. I never wanted kids with my 1st Cousin so when it first happened I was not a happy camper, but now I wouldn't have it any other way, we all love each other as a normal happy family. The kids are as normal and free and happy as any other kids, which was one of my worries initially. Her and I plan to marry this year, we both love the ground each other walk on and we couldn't be happier. Just wish society was much more excepting of our cousin relationship. Our mothers and the rest of our family  would never understand our love for each other. That of course bothers me a great deal, but I keep things moving in a positive direction for my soon to be wife and our kids. Thank goodness we live in a State that allows 1st cousin matrimony tn. This site is definitely a blessing for those of us that have nowhere else to turn to for just a piece of mind, and you guys\gals surely provide that. Well enough of my rant. Thanks for reading about my societal made troubles, hope this will help someone in the future to make up their mind and go ALL IN. When in doubt trust your heart!

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let me ask you something. what PROOF do you have that your family would disown you, reject your children, and spread the news all over social media if their suspicious were confirmed? have THEY ever made any such threats?

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Thanks for the response C.

They have already done it. My sister and a couple of my female cousins put up there suspicions about our relationship on twitter and FB a few years back. Then realized they had no proof and deleted their statements from social media. So yes, I know exactly what would happen. They would try and through both us and our children to the wolves. Funny thing is, the men in my family would not care one way or the other. It's the women that would have all the hate in their hearts over our relationship. We can't even introduce our children to the rest of our family for fear of them being frowned upon and ridiculed as they get older by the family. Maybe it's inevitable this will happen, but for now we protect them from this as much as possible.

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ok, you're new here, so i'm gonna let you in on a little known secret about me.

*i don't mince words... i don't pull punches... and i tend to not care who i offend.*

now that you know that about me, let me get started. you're 40+ years old! you're a grown man in love with a grown woman and you have children together. as for your family and what they might do? GET OVER IT.

seriously, you have to man up here. because if you don't, here's what is going to happen. your cousin is going to never feel like you have her back, and will eventually grow weary of feeling as though you are ashamed of her, because you haven't earned her trust. your children are going to grow up feeling as though you are ashamed of them, and of their mom, and i can't even begin to tell you the damage that does to a child. we've had so many adult children of cousin couples come here over the years who had serious issues of anger and hatred towards their parents, as well as huge insecurity and self-loathing issues because their parents wouldn't stand up strong and proud.

now you said in your first post that your mothers would disown you, but in your second post, you only mentioned the sisters outing you at one point. listen, if your family already suspects, then they really know. and likely a lot of their anger is because you don't show enough trust in them to just tell the truth. you're denying them the ability to be a part of your childrens' lives. that's got to be incredibly hurtful to your moms, and the sisters are probably seriously pissed about that... and rightly so.

if they want to out you on facebook, let them. it will be the talk of the town for five minutes until the next scandal about someone else breaks. this could be your golden hour to tell the world the truth about cousin marriage.  or unfriend them before it happens so that they can't tag you. or heck, do what i've done recently and go dark on facebook. it's a crappy place with too much drama and not enough privacy anyway. who needs it? the only reason i haven't deleted my account is because i have a bible blog, and it auto-posts to my facebook news feed. right now i feel that God has laid it on my shoulders to keep that going. for now. but trust me, you can live without facebook. it took me a week to get past the withdrawals, then i realized how much better life is without it.

listen. your children have to be the most important thing in your life right now. and for their sake, you need to start them RIGHT NOW understanding that you and mom are cousins and that there is nothing wrong with it. start by reading them beatrix potter's classic, the tale of the flopsy bunnies. i'm not kidding. it's the best way to introduce the concept and the normalcy of cousin marriage to young children. the very first page introduces benjamin bunny as having married his cousin. use that as the springboard and say "just like your mommy and daddy!" there are other classics that you can introduce them to as they get a little older.

you also have to let your children know their grandparents. don't be selfish in the name of fear. face your fear head on and let the grandparents be a part of your childrens' lives. if the grandparents choose not to be involved because of their own prejudices, then that's on them. but nobody will be able to blame you for it down the road.

now man up and do the right thing. i promise you'll feel better for it after the initial hell breaking loose. secrets destroy. they destroy you, they'll destroy your family, they'll destroy your childrens' sense of worth. if you live in a state where you can marry, go get married. if you don't, but live in a state that will recognize it if you marry elsewhere, then take a honeymoon and get married somewhere else. if you live in a state where you simply can't get married, then you should consider either moving or taking up the torch to get laws changed.

but no matter what you end up doing with regard to any potential marriage, you absolutely must start standing up for your family without fear and without apology.

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oh one more thing about your sisters and the facebook scandal. has it occurred to you that maybe back then they deleted those posts, NOT because they had no proof, but because they realized how hateful it was? or maybe their husbands or parents pointed out how hateful it was and urged them to take it down?

that was also a couple of years ago. chances are very good that they've had plenty of time now to re-evaluate their feelings on the subject. maybe they've done a little research into it themselves. maybe they'd like to restore the relationship with you but don't know how because they don't want to be the first to bring it up.

just a thought there. it doesn't really matter though, whether their reaction now would be different than it was then. because YOUR responsibility to your family (meaning your kids and their mom) isn't based on what other people think or what they might do. YOUR responsibility is to simply own up to it.

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I was not put on this earth to stroke the egos of my family members every time they feel something is wrong in their own minds. I know my family, just like you know yours and I have a choice, to deal with their bs or NOT, and I chose NOT for now. Surely in the future that will change. You bring up some valid points about the kids knowing grandparents that I'll take under advisement (Understood). Standing up? TFF, and you know this because you think you know me from the brief introduction I wrote on a message board? I'm the King of standing up for what's right. I'll chose when to fight that battle. Today that drama is not worth my time and many miles away from my family, feels good to be drama free. You only know part of the story. BTW C, the only opinion that matters in this scenario is MINE. Ditto - "*i don't mince words... i don't pull punches... and i tend to not care who i offend.*"

LMBO, secrets destroy? Now you are spreading old wives tales. I'm not an 19 year old seeking advice, you might want to save that line for them. I've been around the block many times and then some.... There is nothing I have not seen, mentally, physically or emotionally. Sorry if I came off seeking advice. But I do appreciate what you said about the kids and the flopsy bunnies, that was helpful for me. I did learn something from you after all. As for the family, they had the opportunity to play nice with us and they blew that on the first run..... They'll get a second run to play nice and maybe a third, but this will happen under my terms and not by some fly by night estrogen emotional rollercoaster ride. Usually It's either my way or the highway after that I'm done trying. Yes we are in a State where it's "all good in the neighborhood" aka legal. LoL. Stay blessed C and thanks for sharing your insights....

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why are you so incensed that i "think i know you" for having said you aren't standing up for them? by your own admission, you have CHOSEN not to stand up, for now. the reason is irrelevant.  and if you think my cautionary 'secrets destroy' is an old wives tale, you're not as smart as i thought you were. or as you think you are. you will learn, soon enough. the longer this is kept a secret, the more damage you are going to do to your children, and to your relationship with their mother if you wait too long. i would like to spare you that.

but you're right, this is your choice to make and the only opinion that matters is yours (and hers). it's not my job to convince you what the right thing to do is. that's for you to decide. and you are free to pick and choose what parts of my wisdom to heed and what to discard. (that wisdom comes from being married to my own cousin for 17 years, and working with people who come to this site for 16 years) my job here is to administer these forums and to give occasional advice when i care enough about someone's plight to share... and your story was one that made me care. so you're welcome for my insights... the ones you found useful and the ones you didn't. i wish you and your family the very best.

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