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Guest Christine

Starting Out, could use help/adivce and stories

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My 1st cousin and I did not grow up together, we were at a family reunion... we ooggled each other for days (big family) when my aunt /his mom introduced us.  I didn't know until this last week  (10 years later) that he felt the same way.  We went to his mothers birthday party ~ I sat on his lap for photos.. goofing around... only we both were turned on.  It took a bit but last week we finally discussed it, I had no idea he felt the same way.  As we live 900 miles apart we have already planned our weekend, which was supposed to be a bunch of cousins which now is just us.  His wife and son will not be here, I am sending my daughter to her Dads.  We have every intention of consumating this relationship and he has already foundout which states we can marry in.  We are each others twin, we finish each others sentences, have the same food likes and dislikes.

Everyone has noticed how much we are alike;  he has not one hesitation..I am only a bit because of our familys reaction.  We know this weekend alone is something we need, we both fear if we do not that we will slip up infront of everyone. We are not sure if this will solve our issue or make it worse.  Which by that we mean,  he won't want to go home to his family. 

Question:  1) how did you get past the sex part  2) how did you tell your family.    Thanks for all the help  :grin:

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let me get this straight. he's married, you're unabashedly sending your kids away so you can screw another woman's husband, and ya'll are looking for states where you can get married?

newsflash. bigomy is still illegal, and adultery is still something that it seems most people don't have the decency to realize is low class.

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I can see how one could read and surmise such a dismall statment.  I should have given more information, details do matter.  As his wife had already planned on a vacation without him and my daughter is supposed to have that same weekend with her Dad; we thought it best. (its hard to be open and honest with little ears and eyes always around)  We did not premeditate this, infact our weekend alone is because 4 of our cousins have bailed and we had all planned on no kids. 

I do not condone having an affair, nor do I support it.  I was asking for more info on how everyone over came the urge and desires without sex.  We have planned on just a great  week of catching up, the more we have talked and admitted to our feelings... the more we admitt we want to consumate.  I am really good friends with his wife, and do not want to hurt her or the family.  Thus why the question as to how everyone else figured out how to figure this all out... if that make enough sense.

We are both concerned as to our interactions around family, as we have fewer and fewer natural boundaries...or what should be. 

Thanks for any help.

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you have the opportunity to do the right thing. you've made the decision to do the wrong thing. the only advice i have for you is to change your decision. 

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As to your 2nd question, there are plenty of stories on this site about how to tell your family.  Look around a bit and you will get some great ideas.

Your 1st question, however, is all wrong.

If you are going to pursue a relationship with your cousin it needs to be done in the most honorable way possible.  Creating a weekend rendezvous for the express purpose of sleeping with a married man, is definitely the wrong way about it.  In order to get over the urges for sexual intimacy you do NOT sleep with him.  If anything, that will create a greater desire for the very thing you say you want to get rid of.  You say that the weekend was not originally planned for this purpose, but once it became evident that that is what it would be, you should've bowed out.

Frankly, you need to cut off all contact with this man until such a time that you can talk to him without wanting to jump his bones.  He is married and off limits. Period.  If you continue to play this game, you will cross the line; and sleeping with him is crossing the line.

How romantic that he has already found out where he can marry you while he is still married to his wife.  Not. 

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We did start out on the wrong foot, we don't regret it. We both needed to know this was more than sexual, we have no idea how we  are going to go forward.  We talk more often, planning on trying to figure things out although we don't know what that is yet.

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Why on earth can't people talk to their wive's/husband's before having an affair? I guess it's easier than having to confront their partners that things are wrong within their marriages.

What you both did was wrong but nobody is perfect but that doesn't mean i condone adultery!

You both should start figuring out the right thing to do, whatever that is and whatever it takes too, just my opinion!

nessa76

P.S. If your cousin needs to get a divorce , then that's what he should do before you pursue anything further! Save a lot of heartache and drama.

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I do not condone adultery either,  I know he has tried to talked to his wife. (takes two to work together no matter what the circumstances).  I do know that do to our lack of living our lives together as children and how sexually charged we are together; there were so many questions.  If you think we took this lightly or did this on a whim you are  wrong,  you are correct we need to do this the correct way.  Yes he needs a divorce first, some space and then we can approach more evenly.  I am just not going to apologize for what I am not sorry for, period.

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I do not condone adultery either,  I know he has tried to talked to his wife. (takes two to work together no matter what the circumstances).  I do know that do to our lack of living our lives together as children and how sexually charged we are together; there were so many questions.  If you think we took this lightly or did this on a whim you are  wrong,  you are correct we need to do this the correct way.  Yes he needs a divorce first, some space and then we can approach more evenly.  I am just not going to apologize for what I am not sorry for, period.

You Don't have to apologize for what you've done, you can't help the circumstances of what happened! I never thought you did this on a whim, sorry if I gave that impression.

A divorce is the right thing to do though if you're both to get married, that way, your doing things the right/correct way :smiley:

nessa76

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you don't owe any of us an apology. you owe one to his wife. 

what you did in the past is just that. in the past. what matters now is how you move forward. and if you are still screwing a married man, then shame on you. there really is no excuse to continue doing what you know is wrong. if, on the other hand, you've decided to actually do what you know is right (let him get his divorce before proceeding) then good for you. it's a difficult choice, but an admirable one.

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Did I miss something here??  As far as I can tell you never said there were "problems" in his marriage, that it was falling apart or whatever. You just said

he tried talking to his wife.  To tell her what , that he was having an affair with his cousin, is sexually attracted to her and doesn't know what to do about it??

And you and she are good friends???? Wow what a cozy  situation!

Ok if I missed something I apologize.  Just sounds like you need to cut ALL contact with him and definately don't go on the weekend  "outing".

He needs to work on his marriage to whatever ends it takes. If he is going to stay with his wife or leave needs to be his decision without any

presence of any kind from you.

I do hope you are the bigger person to make and enforce the right choice.

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it's not possible to be "good friends" with the wife of the man you're sleeping with. that's an oxy-moron. NO kind of friend, good or otherwise, would commit such an act of betrayal.

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it's not possible to be "good friends" with the wife of the man you're sleeping with. that's an oxy-moron. NO kind of friend, good or otherwise, would commit such an act of betrayal.

So True, true friends are hard to come by and her Cousin is certainly not true, by betraying his wife and going against the vows of marriage!

nessa76

They're 50/50 to blame, both of them equally!

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To answer questions :  yes there are serious problems in marriage, I listen to both sides.  Her and I are not best friends, never meant to imply  that.  She's like any in-law a good aquantence  at best  I suppose.  He and I are not going to partake in any adult activities, until he is single.  We can not ever marry as the states we both live in, it is illegal. My career doesn't not allow for relocation either. As it is I am pursuing  dates with other men, which he is jealous of and has made that clear.  The ball is in his court at this time.. ..

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"  I am really good friends with his wife, and do not want to hurt her or the family." 

You may not have "meant to imply" it but those are your exact words.

Don't think there is any way we could have misinterpreted it, and aren't mind readers.

Good for you that you are moving on with your life. He has no right to be jealous of any of

your dates. Regardless of the state of his marriage, he IS still married.  If he wants to play the

jealous card then he needs to do what is right by his wife.

Good for leaving "the ball" where it is.

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Thanks for the positive and not so positive words, it has been horribly hard on us.  Had this just been a meet and great ... you can ignore those unique moments of finishing each others sentences, saying the same things at the same time.. the sexual desire part.  The first cousin explained the mentality part had we been raised together; however it made the sex part worse.  I know we have a long ways to go, and we are far from being finished with this.  His mother questioned us both, he has been forbideen from talking to me anymore. (which is rediculous as we were born 7 days apart, we turn 38 soon) I am not sure which is worse, never meeting or meeting and being to scared to follow through.  Things progressed so rapidly, so fluidly and I know it sounds odd... but honestly I finally found my missing puzzle piece.

I make no excusess for our actions, only to say there is a bond we can not explain and a desire to be together we can not deny. 

Perplexed

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If you have a desire and a strong bond, your Cousin needs to get a divorce first if you two are ever to be together! You said they've had or having problems within their Marriage so if it needs to be finalized by divorce then that's what needs to be done  :smiley:

nessa76

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Unfortunately that missing puzzle piece still is the piece that completes another puzzle. Doesn't matter if it is not fitting

perfectly right now or not.  He is off limits to you until he has dealt with his marriage.  You need to cool your heels until

or if ever he is available.  Just because you feel you have such a strong bond doesn't make it right to act on it.

What happened to "I am pursuig dates with other men and the ball is in his court"?  Doesn't sound like you will

follow through with this given the chance to jump his bones.

I still hope you become/remain the strong one and do what is right, regardless of what you think your heart wants.

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actually, it sounds to me like you found someone else's missing puzzle piece. it's not going to fit your puzzle because it belongs to someone else's.

and yeah, ditto what romalee said. listen christine, i don't think you realize how wishy-washy you are. everytime you say one thing, you come back and say the exact opposite in your next post. and i know that you're 'in love' so you're not going to listen to reason, especially when that reason is not what you want to hear. so instead i'm just going to tell you something that you may also not want to hear, but you ought to at least give ten seconds worth of thought to.

if you take this puzzle piece away from it's rightful puzzle, there WILL come a day when wear and tear causes that piece to not fit quite perfectly in YOUR puzzle, either. and when that happens, you're going to be wearing his wife's shoes.

and you will deserve the pain that comes from wearing them.

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I make no excusess for our actions, only to say there is a bond we can not explain and a desire to be together we can not deny.  Perplexed

Not here to chime in on the moral debate/comments.

I too have the same feelings and it doesn't go way with time. The bond part as you worded is the same feeling I have and very hard explain to folks that haven't felt it. Especially if you have spent your life looking for it. You'll always wonder "what if" if you don't follow through on what you started.

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