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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Family Upset/Update

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About a month ago I found this website and decided to ask for advice.

Just to let it be known in case any questions are asked, I am 19 and had left to Mexico for vacation and there I met a cousin who I have never known my entire life till then. He is 20 years old. When I first met him I didn't see him as a cousin because I had no memory of him like I did with my other cousins when I visited at 6 years of age. (Yeah I know a big time gap visiting family.) However we hit it off pretty good. At first it started off with whatever but as the days passed we became extremely close, best friends you could say. And a couple of weeks before leaving I noticed the way we acted towards each other was how someone who likes somebody would. I was too afraid to tell him my feelings so I never did.

Back to the topic,

both of my parents never met him neither because by the time he was born, was when I was. They only knew his older brothers. My parents last visit was when I was 6 years old.

Well as I stated, I was afraid to tell my cousin I liked him because I thought it was wrong. My whole life that is what my family taught me. So i did so much research seeing if it was wrong or a sin then I came across this website. so I asked on here and thanks to the advice I got, I decided to just go for it. I was happy to find out he felt the same. He immediately talked to his parents and they support us. I spoke to my grandma (my mothers mom) because I was afraid to speak to my parents and I was surprised that she supported. She has been the one who was really there for me throughout this month when I become afraid and over think things.

Well here's where things got complicated. My family is beyong strict and not understanding. They find this as disgusting. A couple days ago, my mom found out and told my dad.

Well yesterday my cousin called me upset and told me the night before my dad called my uncle whom lives down the street from him, and my uncle started saying all this crap that my dad told him, so just to save us both he denied it and said we only speak as good friends because my dad side is honestly the kind not to mess with or anything.

But then on my way to the doctors yesterday, my mom began yelling at me saying, "If you think I will allow it I won't, it's disgusting, that's just wrong. Not only will you lose a father and mother but the rest of the family. And I can take away everything from you."

After that she tried getting me to send him a text saying I do not want to be with him but I stood my ground and told her no because that is not how I felt. I tried reasoning with her but she just did not listen.

Later I spoke to my grandma and she told me it is best to act like we are done and just keep it hidden till later down the line of becoming serious. I spoke to my cousin on it and he agreed. This morning everything is back to normal.

But my question is, has anybody ever gone through this? If so how did you get through it? & am I wrong for listening to my heart rather than listening to what my mom and dad want?

I'm just stuck and now it's making me feel un confident and fearful and discouraged.

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i tend to agree that you should play things close to the vest until you see where this relationship is going. if the day comes when you two decide you are serious and want to make a permanent, lifelong commitment, then don't let emotional blackmail from your family slow you down. in MOST cases, the family will eventually back down and accept it once they realize they can't force you to do what they want.

you're both adults. you are responsible for your own lives and pursuing your own dreams. you are NOT responsible for how your family feels about your choices. and they do not have the right to dictate how you live your life, either.

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Your not wrong for following your heart, you can't deny your feelings that you have for your cousin just to please your parents.

As LadyC said, MOST families do accept it. If not straight away, eventually they do :smiley:

Good luck

nessa76

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Thank you both for responding back. I really do appreciate it. I felt stuck but reading your responses did make me feel better. I'll make sure to keep updated later in the future if things may get serious and how it goes. Again thanks!  :azn:

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My wife and I went through this many, many years ago.  We decided to get married (obviously) and are still married with two children.  Her parents disowned her and continue to do so to this day. Mine came around quickly.

In the end, we realized that there is nothing we can do to change the minds of people who want to tell us how to live our lives or who want to live their lives vicariously through ours.  They have no right to do so and not right to be so nasty to us.  They are wrong and it's just that simple.

I suspect your family is behaving the same way.  They have no right to treat you that way.  If they want to threaten you and try to use emotional abuse to manipulate you into doing their ignorant bidding, it's up to you whether you allow it.

If you proceed with your relationship, your parents can grow up or not.

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Yes that is exactly the issue. My boyfriends parents are ok with it but sadly as you've said, my family is just like your wifes. Right now we are keeping it on the low till we are ready for marriage. But I do not and will not give up on it. I thought it through and no matter what, I'm going to stick by his side. I just hope one day my family and your wifes family do get past it. Cause it sucks to go through it. But thank you for commenting on the post. I felt like nobody else would get it but I see that you do. And you and your wife gave me hope seeing that you two are still happily together. Thank you. Honestly.

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