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Guest Julie brown

Fallen for my second cousin

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I met a very kind guy online and we hit it off. We met for coffee and chatted for several hours. At the end of the date I felt comfortable enough to tell him my whole name and give him my contact information. It was in this exchange we found out we had the same last name. After talking more we realized our paternal grandfathers were brothers.

We have not grown up together and the two branches of our families never spend time together let alone know that we even existed.

Just wanting advice.  I think the hardest thing is having the same last name.  

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it's really not difficult. it's just a little scary. proceed like you would with any other guy you had an interest in. i've actually known people who married who were NOT cousins who had the same last name before marrying... it was always an entertaining topic of discussion.  (or maybe they were cousins and either didn't know it or wouldn't admit it, who knows!)

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My family and his family are ok with it, aside from getting a very good laugh out of the whole situation.

It is more his friends have said some things and afew of mine have as well.

We are both almost thirty, he is in medical school. I don't think I would want the world to know he and I are cousins.  Does the teasing take its toll eventually?

I feel like as second cousins who didn't even know the other one existed until about a week ago, we can keep that knowledge within our immediate families.

Do you think it is wise to keep it a less known fact

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there's really no reason why anyone would need to know, unless you chose to tell them. as for the teasing, there's a few things to consider. first, the teasing can only hurt you if you allow it to. it's a whole lot better to develop a sense of humor about it and laugh WITH your friends over it. but on the other hand, if it's something that just really bugs the two of you, TELL your friends. for crying out loud, if they're really worth having as friends, they'll knock it off. sit them down, go over the facts with them.... it's never been illegal for second cousins to marry anywhere. biologically speaking, you're shared dna is nearly identical to that of unrelated individuals, and there is no increased risks to any children you may choose to have.

and then finish off the discussion by being able to nail better redneck jokes than they can come up with. it will put everybody at ease.

and should the time come that you do have children, make sure that you don't keep it secret from them. it needs to be handled as a simple, matter of fact, no big deal part of their identity. otherwise they'll grow up and hate you for lying to them when they find out.

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Thanks LadyC for all of your advice. I feel like I still can't even believe this whole thing happened, lol.

So you are saying embrace the humore :) I think we can do that. I know that Jordan and I both have pretty thick skin and a good sense of humor so we will be alright.

I do kind of worry a bit about kids getting teased. Which is so crazy because your right, second cousins have pretty much the same genetic senario as the general public.

Are you in a cousin relationship? Any other advice you have would be welcome.

God sure does have a hillarious sense of humor

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oh yes, i'm in a cousin relationship LOL. i married my first cousin once removed nearly 17 years ago. my daughters were 11 and 12 at the time, and since we were from a small town, many of their classmates were the children of people we had gone to school with. we did more than just embrace the humor. we went on national television! didn't take long for anyone who hadn't known to find out. of course that just resulted in my kids becoming instant celebrities... especially the oldest, who appeared on tv with us. she had her 15 minutes of fame, and in the process found out that her best friend's grandparents were cousins, and that my other daughter's best friend was the daughter of first cousins once removed.

they did get a little teasing in the very beginning. it didn't last though. the oldest one just mouthed off like the little firecracker she always was, telling everybody what the facts were before (presumably) telling them what to do with their opinions. my youngest was more shy. she just didn't respond at all. bullies don't like kids that don't react the way they expect them to. so the whole town gossip over me marrying my cousin lasted a couple of weeks at best.

chances are, as your kids grow up the subject of YOUR biological relationship will never even be brought up to them. why would it be? even primary school 'family tree' projects only go as far back as grandparents at that age, so the connection between their great grandparents would never be drawn. definitely don't keep it a secret from your children, but don't worry about that secret ever being exposed. the odds are stacked against it.

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