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oblivioushanna

our story

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I've posted my story on here as a guest before but decided to repost.

I'm 17 & my cousin is 16. We didn't grow up together, he lives in SC and I live in WV. The last time we saw each other we were about 3 & 4..

Last July a cousin of mine had died, his uncle. My family & I had went to the funeral in SC & that's when we reunited. As soon as I saw him there was an instant connection. I was just drawn to him. We started talking & just spent a little time together that day. By the end we said our goodbyes & I didn't think I would see him again. We followed each other on Instagram & kept in touch.

A couple weeks later they came to WV for another funeral in the family. After the funeral we talked & caught up & there was some tension. I couldn't help but wanna be near him or want his attention. He was just so amazing. We got each other's phone numbers & then they left.

We continued to text back & forth for a few months. He was my newest best friend & I loved him dearly. We literally talked about anything & everything. We didn't act like cousins. We were both in commited relationships at the time.

January of this year my boyfriend & I split up. My cousin was there for me & he was also having problems with his girlfriend. The same night we split up, my cousin had gotten a little drunk, or a lot & that's when it all started. He confessed his feelings for me. At first it started off as a strictly physical attraction & we were both really attracted to each other. I told him I felt the same way & it went from there.

A couple months passed & we just kept getting closer & closer. We tried to make plans for him to come see me over spring break but then his girlfriend started suspecting something was going on between us. He played it off but I didn't wanna cause them to break up so I backed off & quit talking to him for awhile. & yes I know, you shouldn't interfere with a relationship & you shouldn't talk to someone in a relationship, but he told me that it didn't matter because he didn't like his girlfriend that much.

About a month passed & he started talking to me again. Him & his girlfriend had broken up & he said that he really missed me. We started talking again & we just continued to grow closer & closer together. About a month later he told me that he loved me, like foreal. I had been in love with him for a long time at that point. He was just so amazing & perfect & I couldn't help but fall in love with him.

It's been about 5 months now & we don't talk as much as we used to but it's almost on a daily basis. We might go a couple weeks without talking every now & then but not often. We are very much in love & I wouldn't have it any other way. But the only problem is he only sees this as being a physical relationship. He doesn't think we can be together just because we're cousins. I would be with him in a heartbeat. He says that he wishes things were different but I don't think they have to be. I just wish he would realize that it doesn't matter if we're cousins or not. You can't help who you fall in love with. He is coming to stay with me next summer because I will be moved out & have my own place, but I just wish he would want to build a relationship with me..

That's my story.. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated!

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I've posted my story in shoot the breeze (I believe) the subject is hello first time posting a topic, it's kind of similar minus the loss of loved ones and I had never met him until we started a relationship. You know your cousin better than I but both of you are still young, if hawk sees this post he may give you his famous "broken record speech" or you could find it on your own, its very helpful in regards to your situation. My advise would be to cool it as far as a physical relationship goes, if you both truly love each other then you should build your emotional relationship first, just keeping it physical can get kind of messy and since you want more than that it can take a toll on you mentally. If his father didn't seem to make a big deal about it then that's a start, you don't have to tell every single family member right away, keeping it secret until there's some foundation in your relationship usually isn't a bad idea. I was deathly afraid of starting a relationship with my cousin and I'm in my mid 20s, I thought I would be disowned, that my family would hate me or find me repulsive so that fear kept me closed off from my cousin for awhile. I constantly told him we could never be together, it just wasn't a possibility because we were cousins and it would never work out, I was close to my family and they wouldn't approve. We kept in contact and still messaged each other every day and each day my feelings for him grew and grew to the point I couldn't stand it anymore, I decided to take that risk. Now we've been together for over a year and we have an amazing little girl together, my family wasn't thrilled and they don't really agree with it but they still love me and acknowledge that this is my life and only I can make choices for myself. The only person who chose to stop talking to me is my twin sister and although it kind of stings a bit, that choice was hers and it speaks volumes about the type of person she really is. You two have plenty of time to build off of what you have, the love is there so take it slow, what seems impossible now could very well be possible in the future. I hope this helps and continue to wish you two the best of luck.

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oblivioushanna,

With your picture avatar and possible/probable name reference in your user name, and at your young age, you are a little less anonymous than I would like to see you, but, hey, you're not just walking the walk, you're talking the talk as far as not being scared of what others would think. Your cousin, on the other hand, not so much so, it seems.

I do certainly see why your cousin would want to have a physical relationship with you, as you are quite an attractive (AND seemingly intelligent) young lady. Now, to get HIM to the point of wanting something considerably more meaningful.....

I'm not a big fan of bullying or cajoling in any way shape or form. However, in your case, and with you being the elder, and willing to step up to a deeper, longer term, more committed relationship, you may have to "sternly direct" him our direction for a good old dose of the facts regarding the ability of the two of you to be together. I would let him know about the old "free milk and the cow" thing, and tell him before you get that deep into it, there are ways for the two of you to be in a committed relationship, and that's what it's going to take for you to be all in. Then, get him here, and show him the facts.

On to some of those facts. First of all, as enthusiastic as you are, the two of you will NOT be able to legally marry in WV. Sorry, just a fact. However, the actual physical part is NOT considered incest in WV. So, in that respect, he is correct about it only being able to be physical, even if he doesn't know exactly WHY, and is going strictly on the old stereotypes. Then again, if this cousin of yours who passed was his uncle, then there's a chance you two are actually what is called first cousins once removed. We would have to look at the actual family tree to determine this, but, that's easily enough done. If that IS the case, then there MAY be the chance that the two of you could marry in WV. It would take considerably more digging into the law than I have briefly done this morning to actually determine that. Anywho, all of that is putting the cart before the horse at this point. Methinks it's time to break out my old trusty "broken record speech" to young members and dust it off for you. Ready? Here goes....

I probably need not tell you, but, you ARE young. Even though you seem, and probably are, quite mature for your age. I'll go on the assumption that he is as well, or, you wouldn't be so attracted to him. However, it behooves you BOTH to get a little older before you wade off so deeply into a committed, life-long relationship. In the meantime, what are your long term plans? You say you will be moving out. Does that mean you are going to be living somewhere going to school? If not, I'd recommend it, STRONGLY. You don't necessarily have to get a degree in rocket science or brain surgery, but I highly recommend a degree or trade certification of some sort that is both rewarding and financially viable. I will also STRONGLY encourage you, (again, being the elder) to strongly encourage HIM likewise, to continue his education in a real meaningful fashion. I will tell you that if you two go for it, you will want to be in the position of being fully independent and out on your own. You do not want to be beholden to family, who may be considerably less enthusiastic about this relationship, for your support. The two of you want to be in a position to go it alone if need be.

Which brings me to recommend that for the time being, you two cool the jets a little, put this on the back burner to some degree, and start focusing on those aspects, and, building the friendship, trust, and other long term goals you two share. Merge these goals. Learn the give and take that it takes to have a successful long term relationship. I know it will seem like forever, but I would want you two to wait at least until you are 20ish, and I personally recommend 22ish as a good age to step off the deep end, and go for it. While you can physically, (and, with most States having some sort of 'Romeo/Juliet' statute, legally) get on with the physical part, it is very risky at your young ages to do so. I'm an old fart, but I'm not so naive as to not know what 16 and 17 year olds are up to these days. Hell, I haven't killed so many brain cells yet that I don't remember what I was up to back then.  :grin: What happens to your long term view of where you want this to go if perhaps you find yourself in a "motherly way" any time soon, say, next summer? What will family have to say about that? Be as careful as you will, but, careful as you can be, if there are neeked shenanigans going on, unplanned pregnancy is ALWAYS the possible outcome. Even if family would be fine with the two of you together later, say, once your over 20 or so, I'm willing to bet good $$$ they would have a high speed come-apart if they fine out the two of you are fooling around now, or in the not so distant future. Though they may not be able to totally stop you, they can make you extremely uncomfortable in the process of trying. That has the potential to adversely affect the long term relationship, trust me. We've seen many cases of folks your age jumping too quick, only to have family separate them, and ruining the chance at a relationship until they are in their 30's or 40's, when they decide they no longer care what anyone thinks, and are in other relationships, and it causes a MASSIVE trianwreck in their and other innocent parties' lives. Don't be those people. Take your time, get him up to speed, get yourselves in a position to be independent, and THEN go for it, and don't let ANYBODY talk you out of it.... 

I see while I was typing this that my girl quater25 has given you basically the same advice. Great minds thinking alike and all of that, HAHAHA. Anyhow, please DO take all of this under advisement. If you play this right, you up your odds of making it work for the long term.

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Hawk, as usual, gives the best advice!

I just want to add that you can come to us for support and encouragement.  We excel in that.  LOL

You can send me a pm any time.

HUGS

Nat

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ok wait, hawk. back up just a sec on the not being able to marry in WV.

oblivioushanna, did you say that his UNCLE is your cousin? and therefore, wouldn't that mean that his FATHER is also your cousin? in which case, you are first cousins once removed. that's a game changer on the laws.

(now i'm on to read the rest of hawk's post.)

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oh, i see you also covered the fc1r thing as a possibility. and of course the broken record speech is still as wise as ever :)

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Lol guess so Hawk ;) love the broken record speech, it's the best advice I've seen for young cousin couples :)

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thank you for all of your all's advice. I try & take it day by day but it can be hard sometimes.

it's ok to say "ya'll" here ;)

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