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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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new relationship

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12 posts in this topic

So my relationship started much the same as many of yours did.

I was never very close (distance) wise to my cousin. We did not grow up together.

When I was in High School we both were living in the same state. I had an undeniable attraction

to him but pretty much just dusted off the thought as teenage hormones. Our lives moved on and

we both moved off to different states.

It wasn't until several years later that I saw him again. The attraction was unmistakeable. He was

married and I was in a relationship. We had instant chemistry-but neither acted on our impulses as our

lives were bound to other people.

Fast forward 10 years and here we are. We still are states away but circumstances have brought us back

together. It started with phone calls about how our lives were falling apart. He -going through a divorce and myself the same.

It started as  "moral" support and somewhere in between the conversations we started talking about our attraction for one another in the past. As circumstances would have it I was traveling for business and landed in his city. We spent 2 days together. There was no "weirdness" it was as if we had been together our whole lives. We felt so comfortable with one another. We talk everyday and ponder what our lives would be like together. We talk about the future, but since we both are going through a divorce our future is somewhat unsure. We are both sure our families would not approve. We both have small children. Yet, there is always hope for the future. I am very thankful for this website. Cousin relationships are so socially taboo it's nice to know we are not alone!! It's hard to deny the strong feelings we have for one another and I hope one day we can live the life we talk about having.

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until your divorces are complete and custody is established, you two need to not see each other anymore, and be very careful what you say that can be overheard or seen. after that, how you proceed really will depend on the laws of the states you reside in, and respectively have custody established in. if you both live in states where you are free to marry legally, then don't even concern yourself about what the family will say. just concern yourselves with being the first ones to explain things to the children so that they are armed with the truth, not the lies.

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We are not living in states that allow cousin marriage. We are trying to be low key. I am wondering if we got married in another state would the state we live in recognize that?

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Some will not have a problem with it and in some it is against the law to do that as it is considered

skirting the law.   You would just have to do the research on how the states you live in have it in their

law. 

LadyC is so right on in her reply.  After the dust settles, know your laws and don't worry about the family fallout.

They don't get the right to live your lives for you, just a they wouldn't like you doing the same to them.

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I differ from most on this site.  I think you should keep your cousin 'on the side', especially with children involved. Too much risk of losing them.  My cousin and I both decided that if we're in relationships being with each other doesn't count as cheating because we'll never be together full time.

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Cheating is cheating! Doesn't matter if it is once or fulltime.

When your attention is given to another, it takes from your spouse/partner and children and is

unfair to them.  Cheating is selfish.  Your other family members don't deserve that.

(Now off soapbox!)

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i won't even get on mine. i'm trying to be nice this morning.... that means i'd better say nothing at all in response to minime.

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I seem to have ruffled a bunch of feathers.  Anyone here have a relationship with their cousin that's lasted over 35 years?

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Yes.

As far as cousin relationships being illegal in many states - those laws were passed based on faulty science and political issues.  

You have come here and basically started bashing us without paying attention to any of the positive information on cousin relationships.

From the details you've given us about your cousin, my advice is to dump him.  He certainly is no prize.

Nattana

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An honest person!! He's not a prize and neither am I--we just love each other unconditionally.  I didn't come here looking for validation--it's been 35 years--I don't need it.  Just thought I could give a different perspective.

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Romalee-How would I specifically find out about the  "skirting the law"? I looked and really couldn't find anything online specifically on cousin marriage -out of state as we discussed.

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You would look into the state statutes of the states you are interested in. (Hawk is working on some

of this stuff and may have the answers you need.)  Wording such as or relative to "crossing state lines

to a state that recognizes cousin marriage solely for that purpose then returning to the state that

prohibits such unions."  Not sure what the exact wording would be, might differ some from state to state, but you

get the idea.  Hawk may chime in soon and he may be able to give you better information.

Just remember we are not lawyers here and can only direct you to the laws of the states pages.

Your best bet is to consult an attorney. Most give a free consultation.

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