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love Is it normal to be confused ?

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I've known my cousin for as long as I can remember. We used to go to the same school and have even been placed in the same classes for years. Even though we didn't hang out together at school, we would still see each other on the weekends, play together ( pretend we were gf/bf etc.. ^^ ). We were really young at that time, but I feel like I always had a big crush on him. When I was 12, I moved with my parents to another country, far away from him.

For 4 years, we didn't talk, email, text, anything, but then I went back to my country on vacation, we were both 16 and we both changed a lot. He stayed in the same house I was staying in because he and my brother are really good friends. I had butterflies every time he looked at me, then one night we were at a party with other cousins, he told me he loved me, we danced together and we even had our first kiss. The next morning, he came to my room and woke me up, then we talked a little bit and I felt we were so connected. We decided to keep our " relationship " a secret even though our family have no problem with cousins being involved, because we knew I was going to leave soon and I guess we were too young and afraid to get into something serious ( at least that's how I was feeling ). So anyway, in the weeks after that night we did not really get to spend too much time togother, but we did the best we can. Then I left and as I knew would happen we didn't keep in touch.

2 years later ( at 18 ), I  visited my family again, this time also he came to stay with us at my aunt's house. Like usual I had butterflies everytime I saw him or looked at him, but being around him was kind of awkward. The first day I saw him he came to my room , said he missed me, hugged me for a few minutes and then we kissed, it all felt very natural. Later, I discovered that he was in a on-again, off-again  relationship with the girl I was going to spend my summer with ( one of my girl cousin best-friends). They broke up a day before I arrived, but then got back togother 3 days later. At that point I was very hurt and confused, because he has a reputation of being a player and I felt he was just playing with me. Sometimes he was so kind and loving, and somtimes he was just very cold, distant and he would ignore me for no reason. He wasn't even there to say goodbye when  I left, he woke up really early and left then came back hours after I was gone to spend time with my brother and mom, because they were going to stay for 3 more weeks.

Now a year have passed and as usual we haven't talked or anything, but I still think about him a lot. I'm just very confused on whether or not he has feelings for me ( i feel like he does, but i dont know :S). But even though we don't keep in touch, i know if i ever need him, he'll be there for me. I'm just wondering if anyone ever felt lost / confused like that, because I just can't seem to move on !

ps: I'm so happy to have found this site,the stories are amazing ^^

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