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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Yang

Lost and need plenty of advice

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4 posts in this topic

where do i begin?

basically, me (20 years old) and my first cousin (26 years old) have been in a relationship for about half a year.

it was magical. she was my first; my first girlfriend, and we lost our virginities to each other. i wasn't her first, but in the relationship she told me that she was so determined to make this work because she could feel the amount of love i had for her. and that i was special; different than all her ex-es.

she broke up with me, on the first of september 2 weeks ago. reason being because her brother and mom have found out about the relationship; and they forced her to end it. she tried to protect me till the end by saying that it was consensual; by trying to shield me from the hate of her family and that no blames were pointed at me. when she could've so easily said that it was me who was woo-ing her.

in her message to me, she tells me that all communication is being monitored on her phone and that she has to report everything thats happening on her phone. At this point in time, i would like to point out that her brother is the centre point of her life; because she comes from a broken family. her mom is a divorcee, so she spent the bulk of her life being a parental figure to both her mom and her brother; so her brother is especially precious to her. she loves her brother more than i. we had this grand plan to reveal everything to everybody when i finished my university in 5 years; that she would migrate with me to another country and we would live happily ever after.

the next day, i tried to call her for closure. needless to say, she rejected them all. told me that it was over, unless they wanted my mom to be alerted. so, that day, i call my parents (who are living abroad) and let them know everything. let them know about my relationship with my cousin, that i love her. They were disappointed because my aunt had suspected that my cousin and i were more than just cousins before, and we had to lie our asses off to protect the relationship because we deemed (correctly) that the world was not ready for us just yet. more than that, they were not approving and spent the bulk of the phone call scolding me. I had told them that i was to blame for this relationship; that i was the one who would not let go of her when she had tried to end things before. to me, it seemed like they were more concerned about their social status in the family and how things would proceed in the future; because things cannot be the same ever again in the family.

at this point in time, I'm worried sick and pretty devastated. I'm in pieces everywhere. i call my parents a few days after, and I'm breaking down on the phone. im just devastated. they encourage me to move on, and ask me to give them assurance that I'll stop this because in their eyes, its wrong. Assurance which i'm unable to give.

Which is when they drop a bomb on me.

They tell me that they rang my cousin on the phone, and she told them that it was all cousinly love on her part; that it was all one sided love from me. and that she would have no problems whatsoever cutting off contact with me.

2 very different stories.

i drop her a text on the private app that we use to message each other. the geist of the message is that i tell her that I'm willing to fight for her; slowly take time to convince my parents that this is happening; but that i can't do this alone. that ill need her help, ill need her help to convince her side of her family. her answer? no. that she has promised my mom to cut off all contact with me, and apparently my mom told her that i was agreeable with that; something which i never agreed to.

she drops me a message saying that she's upset because the 2 families will not be how they were before because of us. and that she allowed that to happen. she doesn't want me to talk to her ever again - and that she doesn't wanna do anymore damage to her family.

i would take the blame and put it entirely on myself if that would make her happy again. i just want to see her smile again. my sole purpose from now onwards is just to make her happy again. which would seem like i gotta get out of her life; which is what hurts the most.

i send her words of encouragement on the app; saying that this will pass for her. and that she should just hold on; and that i will take responsibility for my actions, and that my priority is her happiness.

it seems impossible to me that she would be able to fake that amount of emotion for the whole relationship. or maybe, her love subsided. am i in denial? but i don't think thats the case.

I'm sure that she's been saying things that she thinks is right instead of what she really wants. Im sure she lives life, motivated with a relationship with her family and I. but now, that just doesn't seem possible for her. cutting me off - it seems like the best way to not cause both sides further unhappiness. now all she has are her core beliefs that she's doing the right thing; and i would like to believe that it hurts her to make that decision. if she were to give in; then what about her morals? i just want to show her my support during this time; and my sincerity. i'll wait for her if thats whats needed. i just want to give her a reason to smile again.

i'm lost, guys. i love her to death. i don't want to see her in pain. but at the same time, i want to be with her. so badly.

please let me know any other information that you might need in order to give me some advice.

thank you very much guys

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let me ask a question first. if she's 26 years old, why is she still living with her parents and having her phone calls monitored and letting anybody "force" her to do anything? are you in a different country? because if she's in america and that's what is going on, i would think she's making a bunch of excuses. 

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She's still staying with her mom because of her brother still stays there. She's feels a sense of responsibility to both him(she loves her bro more than anything in this world) and her mom (divorcee)..

yes. we're living in an asian country, where being filial is part of the culture.

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her mom is also retiring this year. so she feels the need to be responsible and take care of both her mom and bro, because they've both been through alot and sacrificed for her. that's why she's having a tough decision, choosing between her love for me and her family.. it could be excuses, but if i know her, that's not what she'd do. i truly believe that she does care.. and that she's just having a very difficult decision to make.

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