Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Guest cole

Dating-2nd Cousin. secret & guilt and love. confused

This topic has had no activity within the past six months. It is recommended that you start a new topic instead of replying to old topics.

15 posts in this topic

hi. i am getting to the point. a second cousin, never knew exisited. and we both fell for each other and honestly feel the love. kept a secret from families but we both know we cant be together forever. i dont know what to do because i want to stay with him as long as possible and i wish he could be my forever. we have common feelings and i feel so lost in it. i dont know what to do, i just wish we could be a real couple and have a real relationship but i think we are so scared of letting each go. we tried for a month and we missed each other like crazy. then continued to talk again, happiness is there but the pressure of our situation sucks. and i dont know what to think anymore, i honestly love him so much. and if we werent cousins i could feel like i can spend the rest of my life with him. but there isnt anyway of that happening because our relationship isnt acceptable at all. i am saddened and confused and i just want to be with him but i dont know how i can go on anymore but yet i still feel such strong feelings for him. how can something so wrong feel so right?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you will give us a little more information such as your ages and general area where you live, (country will

be enough) you may get more and better advice.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

yes, ditto what romalee said.

but if it happens that you're above the age of 18 and living in the US or any other western civilization, i'd say the only thing getting in your way is YOU.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am 19 & he is 20. Living in Arizona, USA. I mean, am i over thinking this situation and making myself hurt? I want him to be happy and i feel like i cant be his everything because of our situation. we talked and he said he is happy to be with me and i am sure of it but i feel deep down maybe i just should agree to stop but then again i am sooo stuck on him and i just wish we werent cousins. i dont know how to feel, is this normal? I am probably crazy for being so envolved. i want to be together with him so badly and i know we wont be forever and i guess i am fine with that. but i just want to spend as much time as possible with him and enjoy him as long as possible. is that a bad idea? am i setting myself up for even more hurt!? i dont know what to think, i am so tied with doing whats right and actually satisfying my feelings with him and having him as mine. i dont know what to do anymore. we talked about this recently and he said he still loves me and wishes the same and feels the same is happy to be with me now and as long as possible. But we both know its not possible to fully be together due to family matters. I dont want our families to know but it will cause alot of trouble and its not acceptable. what do i do guys?... help. i need to get my thoughts together and i need that guidance. thankyou...

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

you're an adult. it's time you (and your cousin) stop worrying about what the family might think. there are no legal, biblical, or genetic issues to stand in the way of you two having whatever relationship you want... including marriage and children. so the only thing standing between you and happiness is FEAR. just fear.

as for family matters, that's also fear. probably irrational fear. i've been here at cousincouples for a long, long time. sixteen or so years. and i can tell you this. even for FIRST cousins, nearly all couples are terrified that their families will throw a hissy fit... and once they finally 'fess up, roughly half of them find out they worried for nothing and their families are supportive.

and that's for first cousins. you two are second cousins. biologically you share almost an identical amount of DNA as you and i share.

want my advice? quit letting fear control your life.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay i understand your advice. I guess its all up to us now. can you tell me some more advice ladyc? about life...being happy? i am young and i just would like to know some important values to live by. you sound experianced and must have heard alot on this website. i would love to hear some additional advice. i am kind of need of it right now. just confused in what am doing in life and all above. probably because of growing up and being 19!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

thanks! a lot of people would rather i shut up than give advice around here. 

let me share a little of my background with ya though so you know where all my advice is coming from. i got married the first time at the age of 19... was divorced with two children by 26. i got married a second time, (this time to my cousin) when i was 34... that will be 18 years ago on january 1.

there are a few things to keep in mind. no matter how much you are in love right this moment, there will be days (MANY days) when you think you hate him just as deeply. or days when you want to hate him, anyway. because even after you "become one", you're still individual. you still have different ideas, different emotions, different ways of dealing with things. you won't always understand him and he won't always understand you, and a lot of times, neither of you will have the energy to even try. it's easy during those times to want to just quit. it's also a time when you are both very vulnerable to the attention of someone new. if you want your marriage to stay monogamous, you both need to learn to get over your hurt feelings and annoyances quickly. if you don't, adultery will become a real threat, divorce will become a real possibility, and neither of you will be blameless.

next piece of advice... read this: https://earthpsalts.wordpress.com/2015/04/07/day-47-woman-dont-be-a-drip/ ... i wrote that, and it's easier for me to direct you there to read it than for me to try  to summarize it here. even if you don't believe in the bible, read it. it is my commentary on some verses in proverbs, and proverbs was a book of little quotes written by the one person that history and scripture agree had more wisdom than anyone else that ever lived. 

now to expand on that theme a bit (about not being a drip), don't let yourself get into the habit of trying to control your husband. we women tend to be control freaks at times. it's not your job to micro-manage his life, and if you try, i can promise he will start shutting you out and nothing you say will ever be heard by him. your voice will become charlie brown's teacher... "whaa whaa whaa whaa whaa". when your marriage needs a reboot, commit yourself to 40 days of NOT nagging. and then every time you want to open your mouth to criticize, every time you want to roll your eyes, every time you want to hit him upside the head with a 2x4, think positive thoughts about him instead. remember something about why you fell in love with him. make yourself express some sincere appreciation for something good he did recently. do something nice for him. if you're not a christian, you might have to get creative with that. if you ARE a christian, then it's easier, because every time he gets on your nerves, just grit your teeth and ask God to bless his socks off that day. never ask God to change him, ask that God will bless him. and ask God to give you more love for him. 

my mom and dad had a framed quote that someone had given them for their 50th anniversary. it now hangs on mine and mark's bedroom wall. it says "marriage takes 3". it's a reminder that God should always be first in your marriage. go to church together. pray together. i have two daughters... my oldest has never had much good to say about christianity, but lately even she and her husband (of 8 years) have discovered the benefit of going to church together. since they made that a regular part of their lives, i can see a difference in her. she's happier. and when she's happier, he's happier. and it's not because she's become a christian... i think she'd be quick to say she hasn't. in fact she'd be quick to say she doesn't even agree with a lot of stuff that she hears at church. but STILL, it's making a difference in her marriage.

oh, and lastly, don't rush things. you're still young. no sense wasting time if you know it's right, but at the same time, don't rush. a solid marriage is built on a firm, solid foundation of trust and friendship. there is a reason for that. the hot, heady rush of emotions and hormones aren't always going to be there. life gets in the way, and sex gets put on a back burner. it won't stay that way forever, but there will be many times when sex is the last thing you think about. it's like a roller coaster. and if you don't have a super solid friendship and mutual respect, and a love that goes beyond the physical, a love that always wants to put the other person's needs first, then those un-sexy times are going to be a real hazard in your marriage. so spend that time now developing a deeper kind of love that will stay strong when the sex wanes.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i thought i just did. oh well. so maybe i was too futuristic in my advice. let me give you advice that is applicable to your situation right now...

1) re-read the last paragraph of my previous post. here, i'll quote it for you.

oh, and lastly, don't rush things. you're still young. no sense wasting time if you know it's right, but at the same time, don't rush. a solid marriage is built on a firm, solid foundation of trust and friendship. there is a reason for that. the hot, heady rush of emotions and hormones aren't always going to be there. life gets in the way, and sex gets put on a back burner. it won't stay that way forever, but there will be many times when sex is the last thing you think about. it's like a roller coaster. and if you don't have a super solid friendship and mutual respect, and a love that goes beyond the physical, a love that always wants to put the other person's needs first, then those un-sexy times are going to be a real hazard in your marriage. so spend that time now developing a deeper kind of love that will stay strong when the sex wanes.

2) bookmark this conversation in your browser toolbar. label the bookmark as follows: "Read this when you're pissed at your husband".

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is it possible to just spend time together getting to know each other while enjoying each others company ?? The more time you spend together you'll know what is in your heart making your choices more clear.

Try to put the guilt part out of your head. Enjoy what you have and feel.

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey I'm from Arizona to been married to my half cousin, going to be two years in December thank God! And I've been looking for other cousin couples to connect with who are from Arizona. The weather has been nice lately. But definitely take Lady Cs advice it will go a long way for you and bring much blessing to you.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

eflo56, hey! i dont think things will work. isnt it just bad if we are related. like its not right. thats the part where i get confused. :(

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OK.  LadyC gave you some good advice.  Here's my take.

You've said 3 times that you know this relationship will not work out.  So why waste your time?  If you want someone to date causally there are plenty of young men that you could have that with.  It seems to me that the drama of a cousin relationship is not worth a short-lived romance.  Move on.  Keep looking for someone who you can be with for the long term.

If you think that the cousin status makes the relationship un-viable for the long term, you are mistaken.  There are plenty of cousin couples who have been together for years.  There are also plenty of cousin couples who called it quits fairly quickly.  You two are 2nd cousins and there are no moral, legal or religious obstacles in your way, only your own fear.

DO NOT let fear get in your way of pursuing what could be a fabulous relationship. My cousin has been the love of my life since I was younger than you (I'm now old enough to be your mother!).  For decades we let fear come between us.  Then two years ago we ran into each other, realized the old flame was still alive and have been blissfully together ever since.  Do you know how many times we have expressed to each other how foolish we were not to commit to each other years ago?  I am very happy with my choice to be with him,  and I often think, "What if...? Why didn't we do this when we were younger?  Could we have avoided some difficulties in our lives if we had just pushed fear aside and made a go of it?".  I would hate for that to happen to you.  I don't have a crystal ball that can tell you if your cousin is going to be the love of your life.  I can tell you that if you avoid this because of fear, you may wake up one day and wish that you had a least given it a shot when you had the chance.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

According to the Bible it's not wrong. We are all related in some way. You and your cousin would be considered distant relatives not close relatives.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0