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I need help, don't know what to do

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Me and my family live abroad, I was born and raised in London, and obviously he (my cousin) lives abroad. Usually my family go down once a year to see the family. I am 23 and he is the 22, with just a few months between us.

While I used to travel back home throughout my childhood, we always used to be very close, and used to play around and mess around a lot. As I grew older and went through my hormonal stages as a teenager I started to develop feelings for him. We would flirt a lot and always loved being around each other. Unfortunately I was more into him than he was me at that point. I wouldn't call it love - because I was young, I was 16, and hormonal.

Came back to London and carried on with my life as normal, got into a relationship and all was fine. A few year later at around 18/19 I traveled back, that year the tables had turned and this time he seemed to have developed feelings for me. He told me that he spoke to his mum (my aunty) about me , and told her that he wants to marry me. He also that year proposed to me, and told me that he wanted to be with me. But I wasn't in the right mind frame and was still in love with my ex, so I wasn't thinking about my cousin in that way. So I had to tell him no.

We carried on with our Normal lives once again. Every year I'd travel something would happen between us. For example, I was sleeping over. He came and kissed my for head before he left for work. He held me in his arms once I woke up.. And he also took his necklace off and put it around me (as I kept telling him how much I liked it and wanted the same one).. We would always have moments like that, even when in that moment in time nothing was going on with us. We have just always had chemistry. Even as we grew older we would still play fight. He would feed me, eat after me and drink after me, look after me, is always very protective over me, and just things like that.

We've always had a connection.

This year I went back down, my stay was for a month and a week. (Usually its between a month or two)..

The moment I saw him you could just feel the chemistry, as usual. Two weeks into my stay he asks me if I like him. I get very stuck with my response to him. I don't give him an answer and I ask him why he's saying all this to me, why he's asking me (this was all face to face). Anyway he told me that he wouldn't tell me until I gave him an honest answer.

So after an hour of trying to think, I told him that I did have slight feelings but that even if I was fully in love with him, whatever we have can't go anywhere. He kept asking me why not, and I said my parents won't agree after what happened with my sister (as my older sister had similar experience with a cousin, but she was a much younger age.. Like 17/18).. And all I could remember was my parents reaction. So basically I gave him no hope, I think its because I'm scared of the truth.. Which is I do love him, but if it was to go further then it'll be like I'm going to be in a big war.. And its not that I don't want to fight for him, but there are so many reasons, which I will explain.

But to carry on with my story, three weeks after he asked me if I liked him, another incident happened - no one was at his house, And I had dropped him off home as he let me borrow his car. This was the day before I was leaving to come back to London. I looked at the time and I asked if I could come up to do my online check in. So he said that's fine. As it was my last day, I had. So many people I needed to see. I got up to his house at 5:21pm.. I was only planning on staying no longer than 15/20 mins. His friend came over, chilled for a but and then left. I was about to leave and I felt he was upset so I trued to see what was wrong with him.. That then turned into play fighting (on his bed).. Which then led to 2 hours and a half of cuddling and spooning. He kept tickling me and then when I couldn't take it anymore he just held me in his arms, and I just stayed there lost track of time and just didn't want to leave. Throughout this period he attempted to kiss me twice. I guess we did kiss.. But I have never kissed anyone before, which he already knew, And so I panicked and told him I couldn't. And every 20 mins I would look at him and keep asking him "what are we doing, I'm leaving tomorrow - this is wrong because I'm going to hurt you! I don't want to hurt you" and he replied with "I don't care as long as i get to spend these hours with you! Don't worry about my feelings"

I left his at 8:30ish.. I saw him on the day I was leaving to give him his car Back, we saw each other and just gazed at each other. Didn't mention what had happened the night before. He dropped me home and that was it!

I got back to London, and i guess you could say my feelings were very strong! Constantly thinking about him.. Always!! And the jokes on me now because i believe I'm in love with him.

I tried to message him many time's, but he was being very distant, one worded answers, and very uncomfortable to talk to! All I wanted to know was how he feels and what he makes of what happened, but he would never elaborate every time I asked him!!

I wrote a status and said "all I'm asking for is your honesty, I'm not asking for much" - he knew this was directed at him, so he messaged me and told me that we need to move on and close the door on this chapter in our lives. I told him why. He said "because even you told me this can't happen and your parents won't agree" - I said that was then and this is now. But he wouldn't listen.

I told him I don't regret it, and he tells me he does (I don't believe him). . in the end he blocks me and deletes me of WhatsApp and Facebook.. And all I want to do is see him! I hate feeling like this!!

Some may ask why it can't happen so here we go:

I live in London he lives in Lebanon

So if i was to go ahead with this, then either he has to come and live with me or me live there. And as much as I love my country, I won't be able to live there. And for him to come to England could take up to 4 years because its not easy!

He is the eldest out of him and his sister, and his dad is not alive, meaning he has to provide for my aunty and be there for her when she needs a man around the house! My aunt is also extremely attached to her children, so the thought of him leaving will kill her - I can't take him away from his mum.. It won't be fair

I graduated, still yet don't work within my field, but I want to work on getting my am career going! He dropped out of school, and works in my uncles cornet shop. I don't care if he doesn't have a degree or an education, but we are heading in different directions - I want to make something of my life, and he has settled for that. So if we were to buy a house or have a future it would be hard.

Lebanon isn't the safest of countries, and I have more opportunity in London to become who I want to and I have everything I need and that I am used to.. So it would be like I'm going from great to not great.

And then there is my parents, I'm not sure what they would say about it, but my sister told me that in the end they would cave in.

I need help because I just don't know what to do, and I will be in lebanon in a few days. Just for 18 hours, but even so.

Regardless,I think off him a lot. I think I'm partially in love with him and I don't know what to do and how he feels! I'm so stuck: (

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It appears like he is hurt trying to shut you out of his heart and mind. Sounds like you need to see each other face to face and sort through it all in person. If you to come to terms could you say with him and while working on his papers to live in England if he wants too ?

If you don't try it'll always haunt you. 

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