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Tom182

Is it the right time to express my true feelings?

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Hi there! :smiley: This is my first post and I'm glad I came across this site. Just to give you some background, I'm 23 and live in the UK, just outside of London. Here's my story:

When I was a kid, I used to hang out with my two female cousins and we would meet up round my dad's nan's house a lot. But I have a poor memory from when I was little so I don't remember it very well, or much from when I was very young in general. Now skip forward to 2010 and me, my mum and dad start going on family holidays with them abroad (and their mum and dad) which we have been doing every year since which I find very enjoyable as I get on pretty well with both of them. One is the same age as me and the other a year older. Ever since that first holiday in 2010, I have developed strong feelings for the younger cousin. Just to add that this was the first time I had seen her since we were kids so she was 18 or so at this point and she is looking drop dead beautiful. She has a great personality, intellectual, makes me laugh and above all I feel happiest when I'm with her. I confided in my best friend who was with me on this holiday (who found her attractive also) and laughed at me. I don't know how bad it is in the states but here in the UK, others would find it strange if you liked a relative but as I've got older I've grown to feel like I don't even care about that anymore. I digress.

So for every holiday since, I have bottled up these feelings and they have grown stronger with each passing year and the most recent one we went on this year, it felt a little awkward between us at times. I'm not sure if she knows or her sister/parents know as I might make it obvious without saying anything like teasing her, maybe glancing at her a lot but I get the impression she might have feelings for me too but you never really know with girls and with me I never tend to make the first move which I hate myself for. I used to beat myself up thinking it was sick I felt this way but I was recently listening to a John Mayer track: "Who You Love" and it summed up how I was feeling perfectly. You just don't choose who you fall for in this life. I wouldn't say I have sexual feelings for her, but there's definitely something other than a family feeling coming from me otherwise everytime I lay in bed at night or wake up, my first thought wouldn't be her. I went round their house recently but she was at Uni at the time and I didn't end up seeing her. I felt somewhat empty after leaving afterwards. :undecided:

I don't think anything will ever happen between us, well I don't know how she feels truly about me but I'm 99% sure her mum and dad plus sister would never let it transpire if it turned out she did have feelings. I could never admit my feelings to her over the internet, it would have to be face to face and just us. Our next holiday is around this time next year though. I'm thinking maybe if I say to her during that if I could speak to her alone. If anything, I just want to tell her and if it makes her feel uncomfortable or she won't want to talk to me anymore then I'll take the consquences. I just want to stop having these battles with my mind. :(

I appreciate it if you took the time to read this and any subsequent input. I can't exactly disclose this information to many people... :lipsrsealed:

Also, you should bare in mind I've only really known her for five years considering my bad memory when we were kids. Either way, if you love someone you love someone. It's difficult to let go of those feelings. :huh:

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even in the US it is taboo. but the taboo is simply because it's no longer a typical relationship. and i say "no longer" because at one point in history, it was quite normal. 

listen. there are no laws prohibiting the two of you from dating, marrying, having children, whatever. and you are both adults. it's time to quit worrying about what her parents will allow her to do. she's a big girl who can make her own decisions. and if the family does frown on it, or even throw a fit, they will get over it. it's a very rare exception that family holds a grudge after they figure out they can't blackmail their adult children into submission.

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That's true. I'm more concerned with how she will take my admission. It could go either go really badly and she completely cuts off connection with me and I end up ruining the friendship I have with her or she'll understand which is the middle ground and best case scenario she likes me in the same way. I go over these in my head. It's just good being able to vent here. I don't think her parents would hate me if I admitted how I felt about her. I think. I worry too much. :undecided:

If I may ask, do you have any previous experience with this sort of situation? (why would you be on this site otherwise I assume lol)

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LOL, yeah, a little bit! although i didn't worry about telling him my feelings and vice versa... it was pretty evident it was mutual. telling the family though, that had us worried. needlessly. and i've been here at this site for nearly as long as we've been married, so i've heard it all!

i wrote a (very long) summary of my story in this thread: http://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,8069.msg56695.html#msg56695

and here is a video from 20/20. it includes me and mark renewing our vows, and also another couple who used to be regulars here.

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That was a great read! Thanks for sharing. Wishing you both all the best for the future. :smiley: It's really interesting how someone you least expect can make such a big difference in our lives. Reading your story has given me confidence in what I need to do. :azn:

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ok so i have to ask... is your avatar a pic of bon jovi when he was young? 

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Just wanted to add I'm going to show my mum this thread and hear her thoughts on it. Will tell my dad as well. I hate that it's going to be nearly a year until I get to see my cousin again. :(

I have her number and we follow each other on various social media but it doesn't compare to seeing her in person. It kills me inside as I feel guility about feeling this way about her and maybe I need to find someone else. But I'll still be thinking of her so wouldn't be fair on that person if my heart is not in the right place.

At times I think I'm going to hell for this.  :undecided: Keeping feelings bottled up for so long can drive you insane. :shocked: I don't want to stir up an issue with my family who I love very much but I can't hold this together for much longer. Too many times in my life I have regret for not speaking my mind. Need to learn to just take a leap of faith once in a while.

3AM thoughts and ponderings. :grin:

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