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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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va11eygir1

Met 1st cousin too late in life

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I'm 39. In a relationship for 8 years and we have children. My 1st cousin is 51 and a single dad.

We just got to know eachother recently (last two years) and completely, undeniably connected on so many different levels. He's my soul mate for sure.

But now....I know I'm falling in love with him and am starting to fall out of love with the man I'm with already (who I'm not married to). I honestly believed that the man I'm with was "the one"....until my cousin came into my life.

Seriously, I'm slowly dying each day I can't be with him. I feel selfish and childish even considering this path.

It's both wonderful AND awful.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to either get past this or get the guts to go for happiness and throw me and my children's life upside down.

He, my cousin, may or may not have the same thoughts. I know he loves me and would do anything to make me happy, but i don't know whether he would be willing to go passed the stigma of cousins being a couple. He's told me, "if we weren't cousins, honey, I would have you in a second!" Or "there's been enough craziness in our family, we don't want to add to it do we?"

He's testing the waters and then contradicts himself. I don't know.

We also have a very large family who are not very open minded.

We also don't live near eachother. About 10 hour drive apart.

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va11eygir1,

Whether you consciously realize it or not, in the last half of your post, you answer your own questions. You will always find that we here recommend repairing the relationship you have committed to. Even though you are not married, you have children with this man who, up until this little "wrinkle" in your reality, was "the one". You must have felt that way for a reason. That reason is what you have to focus on, even if it means limiting, if not cutting, contact with your cousin. In realizing you would throw you and your children's lives upside down, you risk a massive trainwreck unless you refocus. Yours would not be the first trainwreck we have seen, after advising against it. Nor would you be the first to come back and thank us later for advising you to regroup and refocus the current relationship. Short of the three "A" 's, adultery, abuse (physical, chemical, or mental), or abandonment, (and those to the extent they are totally unfixable) we will always advise to take a step back and a deep breath, shake the cobwebs off, and recommit.

Though this site is here to encourage and support cousin couples, it is not here to facilitate such at the expense of innocent, vested others. The family as a whole can wail and gnash teeth as much as they want, but, when there are children and innocent SO's involved, who do not deserve to have their lives torn apart, we are going to look to their best interest and discourage the further development of the cousin relationship.

I would encourage you to put these feelings in a special place in your heart, and understand that life does on occasion throw these little wrinkles in our lives, and that yes, had things been different, things could have been different. But, it is what it is, and it isn't what it might have been. Back away, because you are on very thin ice indeed.....

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i really couldn't have answered that any better than hawk did.

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Wow, thank you.

I suppose you just told me what I already knew.

I'm going to refocus this energy on the father of my children, yes.

However, I am going to have a good talk with him and see where he stands on me being so close with my cousin, so we don't have to act differently when people are around.

Crossing fingers that everyone wins here.

Thanks so much ❤️

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