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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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unwanted1

Need advice dont know where to tur

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9 posts in this topic

before i start my life story i want to say that i have not told anyone around me for 8 years and its tearing me apart i feel like i cant hold on any longer.

it starts at the age of 15 for both of us. she was going through an illness and the doctor adviced her parents to home school her so they can keep a better eye on her.

backing up a bit

I lived with her since we were 6 years old bt from 6 years to 14 years we never looked at each other in the way we did when we were 15.

at the age of 12 me and my parents moved to a place closer to my dads job. keep in mind nothing had yet started. from the age 12-15 i moved from place to place leaving friends behind. i moved so much that my last principal told me i would not graduate unless i would go through a home school program at this time i was 15.

when i was home schooled i would go to a class 2 times a week to turn in my hw and come back to my house to do more hw i did not go out as much as i should of. i would only go to the park to play soccer and back home.

now we were both home schooled

we would visit them often bt never looked at each other in any way. but one day i was in her house and we talked about each other

we started to connect by talking to each other

this led to addingg her on myspace and that is how we would communicate since we lived like 20 miles away from each other.  since we were homeschooled we had a lot of time to talk through the computer we talked so much that we would start to say that we missed each other .

on one of the visits we would frequently make we decided to kiss after that it made things weird for a couple days .  she felt like we did wrong and I told her I was feeling the same .

this little kiss started everything we both knew we were wrong but for some reason kept on doing it. we did not know that  this would make everything very complicated .

when nobody would be around we would just kiss each other one day I told her I had feelings for her and that wanted to be with her

she would always say that we couldn't but at the same time she kept on doing the same thing.

at this point i had a crush on her ill i did was think about her and at the same time i would say its wrong bt i woukd still do it?? one day she told me she also had a crush on me and that she wanted to be with me. then the next day she would say we couldnt. so this led to kind of being in a relationship that was there but did not want to actually admit it. at the age of 17 we started to go out to movies we would say we were going with friends bt it was jst us two.

it came a time when one of my cousins saw that we were hanging out too much.   he talked to me and he told me that I couldn't be with her too much because I would start to get feelings for her I told him we were just hanging out.  my cousin ended up telling my girl cousins mom and she ended up talking to both of us.  she told us that we couldn't think of each other as boyfriend and girlfriend we never admitted that we were to them we just kept it to ourselves .

we would go out to the mall and we go out to the movies or go out to eat but it was just us two hiding from everybody else .

I always thought of the consequences I knew that nobody would except us And that we would be looked at as weird people

it was a time where I would ask myself and hate myself for not being a normal person.

I would think of myself as a weird person for a long time until I decided not to care what people thought of me. at that point I knew that if we were to go on it would probably be me by myself because my parents and her parents would never accept it.

I ended up leaving her at the age of 18  because I had set my mind that I wanted to be with her and I knew of the consequences that it would bring me and my family. bt she had not made her mind up yet wich was hurting us both

we could not be living like this.

before i stopped talking to her i told her i loved her bt i could not be hiding forever.

at the age of 19 we started this thing all over again jst by a kiss.

this time she said she actually wanted to be with me but that she first wanted to get her school done first and after she finished school she would tell her parents but I don't think she actually thought of how hard it would be.

at the age of 21 she asked me to leave her she was crying and saying she did not want to hurt her parents and that she just wanted a normal relationship. I told her you should've thought of this along time ago maybe would we  wouldn't be in the situation right now. and left

I am not a person that cries but when she told me that i blew up in tears. for months i was in depression mode. she said she loved me and tht i meant everything to her. if she did then why would she leave me just like that?

i met a girl that made me forget about her. i said maybe it was for the best of us to not be together and to live a very complex life.

we were hitting it off when all of the sudden she comes back to me and says she wants me back that she made a mistake and it had to do with a mix of emotions and beliefs. i told her i understood.

i told her i was with someone and had a chance to be normal like she had said. she came to see me she cried to her knees to go back with her .

i had the chance for a normal life with this new girl why would i go back to that complicated situation???

somethings u cant explain bt years of feelings and emotions made me go back with her and currently still are together. we went to get a test to see if our kids woukd be born with any abnormalities and the person we talked to ended up saying it wasnt a problem for us.

anyways tht letter was later found by her parents.

they talked to her and basically told her she could not be with me. her dad said there are just somethings in life you just cant do. and she just cries every now and then because shesd scared to hurt them.

I told her I have made up my mind that I want to be with you I don't care who judges me but I am here if you want to do this because I love you. my parents kind of know bt dont accept it bt i still think they would not disown me or tell me to never talk to them.

I told her I made up my mind. now it's time to make up yours. I cannot make this decision for you ,so you are on your own I will understand if you don't want to be with me. I understand the things you are going through. the things that you were thinking. those are the things that I thought before I made my mind up . she's very close to her parents so she is just scared of hurting them she's kind of in the middle of both if she chooses me she loses them and if she chooses them she would just lose me . we are now 23 i work and depend on myself. shes in a university and still depends on her parents.  she says shes with me all the way bt i dnt really think she knows what will actually happen when she tells her mom and dad.

i am kind of just waiting for her. any advice would be appreciated.

sorry for the childly grammar I hate to write

I love her but i cannot force her to be with me she says she will be with ne no matter what.

but i still tell her its her decision not mine time will only tell i only know is that i cannot live hiding forever.....

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What country do you live in?  Are there laws against cousins marrying there?

If there are no laws against it, then it's time to belly up and either be together or not.  It sounds like you are ready to take the plunge and she is not.  I have no advice on how to "make" her act on her feelings.  You could show her this forum so that she can see that there are lots of people in this world who are in a relationship with a cousin; there are no moral or religious obstacles in the way.  The biggest obstacle may be with family objections; but usually we fear their reactions more that we should.  If there are no laws against cousins marrying, then she needs to decide if she is  going to let fear and family run her life, or if she is going to make her own decisions. Since the two of you went for genetic counseling, it sounds like she wants to be together but is not strong enough to go against her family's wishes. 

Neither of you need to let your family's bullying make this decision for you.  If your parents want to disown you, OK, their choice (but I bet that decision does not last long).  You two are both adults and have to decide to walk the path that leads to happiness. 

I just made this reference on another post, but I will put it here also:  My cousin and I waited far too long to decide that fear was not going to get in our way of happiness.  Don't be like us and get to be 40 years old and realize that happiness was in your grasp a long time ago and you let it slip away from you.  We've been together for 2 years now; we could've been this happy 25 years ago if we (mostly me) didn't let fear get in our way.

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thank for your reply and we live in the u.s. Somewhere in california last time i checked it wasnt illegal.

like you said it is fesr that she has. i been on this for 8 years and i believe its time for some action i cant go on like this another 8 years.

she and i go out like a couple and my family knows bt dnt accept it her family knows but think its no longer going on. since they found the letter.

everytime i go to her house beacuse all of my aunts and uncles have house literally next to  each other they are always there.everyone. alrhough they dnt say anything i can feel it i. the air i hate that feeling they all hate me bt dnt say it

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mostly i think they dnt accept it beacause its not common for tht to happen and another thing is i think they believe that maybe if we decide to have a child that it would be born with abnormanlities that is something i fear as well. i want a child bt wnat it to be healthy although ive been through genetic counseling i still have that thought?

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i know they all think that there must be somethig wrong in out head that does nit let us see that we are doing wrong. they say why can we "BE NORMAL"i know what they mean. I tortured myself trying to find out why i was like this.

i know i can just quit and start a "normal" life no matter how much it will hurt me i know time will help me heal. bt........i would rather be happy than be "NORMAL"

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i'm not concerned about the grammar, i just want to say THANK YOU for separating your sentences with paragraphs and punctuation! seriously, you have no idea how many people just can't be bothered to put in a period. they'll write as much as you did with no punctuation and no spaces and i hate that! so thank you, you're awesome.

you're also in a horrible situation, being stuck in limbo. sounds like to me you know after all these years that nobody else will ever compare to her. and same for her. it's been 8 years already. i'd say this is about as serious as you can get. problem is, while she's in college and her parents are footing the bill, she's probably going to need to accept their terms in order to finish her schooling... at least if she wants them to pay for it. if there are other options, like the two of you doing it without there help, student loans and all that jazz, then maybe she can gain the confidence to tell them to stop running her life for her. 

i really think that is something the two of you need to discuss. if she wants their financial assistance, then you two need to keep your relationship under the radar a little longer. if she can do it without their help, then it's time for her to make a choice... them or you. i'm not fond of any sort of ultimatums, but it's also not fair for you to keep your life on hold.

on the other hand, let me tell you a little story that happened many, many years before you were born. ha, before i was born even. i had an uncle... never met him, he died before i was born. pretty much drank himself to death. he married three times, divorced three times, and could never get over the love of his cousin.

i did meet his cousin when i was a little girl. she was an old lady by then. a spinster. she'd never married. ever. because she kept holding out for the man she had always wanted to share her life with. she suffered through him marrying three other women, only to come crawling back after each divorce, thinking they were together in secret. it wasn't a secret though. everybody knew. but they didn't know that, and he would always leave her again, searching for someone to have a normal life with. 

even today i have to give them credit for the relative ease with which my family took the news of my marriage to my cousin. nobody wanted to see history repeat itself. anyway, give that some thought. i don't know if it will make any difference in any way, but share that story with your cousin when the two of you discuss tuition options. it might give ya'll a little clarity.

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i see what you mean lady. im glad i found this website i have not talked to anyone about this in years so it feels good to write for once. it gets harder and harder.

my cousins and friends kind of think im gay beacuse they dont see me with a girl bt ive had one for 8 years! before i decided to go back with her we had all if this talk she said she would tell them as soon as she was done with school.

the only thing is that i think she feels guilty for having there support and that shes doing things behind their back. she cries and tells me these things and i feel for her its not easy. i lover her but i will not decide for her i told her im here if she wants to be my partner bt if she dont choose me i will totally understand. with all the pain in my heart i will let her go i say this to her because i dnt want her feeling like im forcing her to give up her family for me.

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if you wait for her to finish her schooling before she will commit to you, I fear that she will continue to string you along and then you will have waited years for her and end up without her after all.

I think you should tell her that you're not waiting any longer. She's been pretty wishy-washy and i just don't have great confidence that she will have the chuzpa to follow her heart. Perhaps telling her that you are moving in (and then really moving on) will spark some fear of losing you in her heart and she will finally decide to pursue happiness

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