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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Tom182

How and where did you admit how you feel to a cousin?

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I made a post a while ago on here which is now on the second page so if you want the backstory, check that thread out. Now, I was wondering how the rest of you on here (the ones with the courage that have revealed how they feel) chose to tell their cousin (text, face to face etc) and did you have a specific location.

I was wondering as I have tried to repress my feelings for a female cousin of mine for about five years but it's got to the point where I know I have to tell her, for better or worse because I can't keep it bottled up for much longer. We go on a family holiday every year around July so I was thinking next year, I could ask her to come with me to the beach and then tell her right there and then. Unsure if I should do it at the start or at the end of the holiday. Either way, I am fearful it will disrupt our family but I can't help how I feel.

In all honesty I don't think anything will become of it but I don't know how she feels about me. But I have always thought there was something else there. I hope she understands I had to say something when the time comes. (Ages away from now so I keep going over the scenario repeatedly in my head) I think I'm in love with her but I'm planning on saying I have feelings for her as I don't want to come on too strong. :tongue: Is it as tough to say as I'm freaking and making out about or did you find it easier than you thought? I appreciate the feedback! :grin:

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Tom182,

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I typed a reply last night, but, I was doing other things at the same time, and by the time I was ready to let 'er fly, I hit preview to look it over, and I lost it, as I had timed out on my login. SO, it won't be the wall of text that it was going to be.

Me and mine are second cousins, and were born a week to the day apart. (Me being the slightly elder) When we were very young, they were all over the world, so we didn't formally meet until we were 9-10ish or so. When our mothers had us tell each other our birthdays, and we figured out we were a week apart, we were instantly favorite/"best" cousins. Not long afterwards, they moved across the street from us, in our great grandmother's house. For the next 5 years or so, we were practically as close as siblings. My brothers and I, and her and her sister all played and had lots of fun. Over the years, we moved, they moved, and we didn't see each other very often. Our circles did overlap some, so occasionally we would see each other. When we were 20, through a series of events, we had what we call our "moment". We were quite the party animals, she ended up at mine, we partied it up, and at one point, our lips touched as a matter of course of behavior I won't explain, because I don't want to seem to condone it!!! ( These days I pee in a cup because of work, and I can't handle it any more anyway, LOL) At any rate, we liked it, so, we did it again, just for the sake of kissing. One thing led to another, and it became very intense, very quickly. After several nights like that over the next couple weeks or so, "stuff" got real. In all of that, we never did really go into how we felt about each other. It was a given, we'd met, we were best cousins. Actions spoke louder than words, you might say. Looking back, a little more talk and a lot less partying might have changed the outcome. But, she got scared of what people would say, so we walked away from it. Our Moms wouldn't have cared, and our Dads' opinions would have been virtually irrelevant. It was our friends she was nervous about, since they all knew we were cousins. And the whole "we're family, we'd have messed up kids, blah, blah, blah" old wives tales thing. Back then, there was no internet, more less a site such as this, or anywhere for that matter, that had the facts readily accessible. Since we didn't really go into it at the time, I never really knew the extent of her fears, just that she didn't want to go for it, and I didn't want to push her. We walked away, and let the whole affair be extremely awkward for nearly 3 decades.

Fast forward ~30 years to about 5 years ago or so now. Through another series of events, we reconnected. We had a couple times were we could speak candidly, and one night a little over 3 years ago when we aired it all out. Once when speaking candidly, I asked why exactly didn't we go for it, and walk away from it. She said "We're family..." and I said "Not THAT close..." and she said "Oh, I know...". I said "How did we let it be so awkward for all these years?" and she said "I love you....". I said "Aww, I love you too...." and she said "No, I LOVE you...". I said "I know what you mean.", I took her hand, kissed the back of it, and told her to be safe driving home, (all of 5 or 6 blocks, LOL) and she left. Several months later, one night, we had a chance to set down and air it all out. Most of that was more peripheral stuff, such as how I wanted us to leave way back when, and go to were her Dad lives, what all we had done over the years, such as that. Catching up. We did speak some about her fears. Totally unrelated to us reconnecting, but still motivational to do so, by that time, I'd already been here for a while. I had always (wrongly) assumed she would be pissed if she knew I was as involved as I was by that time here. So, in talking about her "old wives tales" fears, I showed her the main page here, and the facts. Later, the conversation turned that way again, and I said "You're probably going to kill me, but log back online, we're going back to that site." So, she did, and I showed her this forum. I said "See where it says "Hawk" there? That's me...." I told her how I found this place, and that I had become famous for my old "broken record speech" to teens, and early 20's members and guests. She said "And what would that be?", so I told her. She started nodding her head and got pretty misty eyed. I always knew she would agree with my advice, that just confirmed to me that my advise was pretty sound. We also agreed that much too much water had passed beneath the bridge, that neither of us had any stomach for cheating on our SO's, and therefore, there would be no shenanigans of trying to relive our youth. We're not together, and never will be. We had our chance, and didn't go that way. Such is life, and none the less, life is good. We're fine with it, and just happy to have let the awkward go, and be in touch again.

So, now that it has turned into a wall of text, I'll try to advise you and others in your situation. My advice, along with others here, is to start off with the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin,...." shtick. Vary it to your situation and conversation at the time. On the beach, at sunset, I have to believe you can word it to where you would instantly know how she feels. If she says "I know what you mean..." you know she feels the same, and you tell her "Actually, I don't care the we are cousins that much. I'd still be with you if I could." or something like that. If she has the "ick" factor, it still gives you the out of saying "I did say IF, you know. IF you weren't my cousin...." Then, DON'T LET IT GET AWKWARD. Drop it. Let her digest it for a while. She wouldn't be the first to some back at some later date and say "I've been thinking about this cousins thing, and maybe it isn't such a big deal." She wouldn't be the first one to do so after thinking about it, typing it in google, and ending up here either. I will tell you to keep in mind, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you don't test the waters, you'll never know. You want to find out now, so if you have to, you move on. You DON'T want to find out several years from now, when you are neither available, and risk a massive trainwreck in your respective relationships. We've seen our fair share of that too.... 

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I always learn a little more about Hawk whenever I read one of his replies.  He has some good advice here....

To your question. How and When and Was It Easier Than I Thought

My cousin and I have been attracted to each other for as long as I can remember.  We had a moment in middle school where we were making out and an older cousin (not a sibling to either one of us), discovered us and created quite a scene.  :wink: But that was that and we really didn't see each other very often after that.

Then about 6 yrs ago, we ran into each other.  We went out for his best friend's bday and frankly, ended up blowing her off (She has forgiven us...) and we spent the entire evening, well into the wee hours, talking, dancing, drinking, kissing....  But at that time, I was going through a divorce and was just not ready to embark on another relationship; much less a relationship with my first cousin.

Fast forward  to 2013, and he came to my daughter's graduation party.  And yep, the sparks were still a-flyin'.  We were both free from other attachments and the time was right for us.  I made the first move.  We were doing some sight seeing and I pulled the car over, took his hand in mine and kissed it.  That's all it took.  We have been together since and are getting married next spring.

Let me encourage you not to repress your feelings any longer.  Cuz and I did that for decades and regret it.  It's better to put it out there and see if feelings are reciprocated than to wait a lifetime and wonder, "what if?".  Your idea of telling her on the beach sounds good; you can create some time alone and let's face it, the beach is a great place to start a romance.  Personally, I'd tell her early on in the week.  Hey, if things go your way and she responds positively, then you will have all week to talk and spend time together.

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