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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Aly

I have no one to turn to :(

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I can't believe a site like this exists how I wish I would have found you sooner. I felt so alone for the past year but for the first time in a while it has been a sense of relief finding this site, I thought I was the only one in this weird situation. It is a very long story but I was hoping I could get some moral support and advice if you don't mind. He is my grandfathers step brothers sons, son (try getting your head around that) we as a family became considerably close after 2006 (family politics). I am 20 and he is 22, both living in England and we are southern Asian, we have always been close and spoke to each other but it was on and off. PS we had many happy moments but for the purpose of this thread I will try to keep it short it is already quite long, sorry.  :grin:

It all started on December 2012 just after Christmas, I hadn't seen him for 6 months considering we live in the same city just five minutes away from each other. He messaged me about my ex and that is the start of our endless conversation. We spoke every day after that day just talking about the most random things but the conversation flowed and it felt easy.

Anyhow, as days went on our conversations grew and grew and we were literally talking every minute and when we had the chance not missing one day. in that year we both had our ups and downs individually but we had each other he was having trouble with his ex and I was trying to help him out and on the other hand I was having family issues. To cut the story short we had things we were going through in life nonetheless  we always had each other, we were each others safety net. We had the most deepest personal conversation we confided in each other our deepest secrets he told me things he has never told anyone vice versa. It got to the point where we couldn't stop talking to each other. We were both protective of each other and we didn't realise the situation and how deep we were both getting ourselves into.  It was almost like we were very dependent on each other we were so invested in each other, it was pretty much a relationship we both didn't realise.

Then came December 2014,I felt something wasn't right it was always the little things like jealousy, when he use to hang out with his (ex) friend and I have a feeling he use to sense it (even thought they were both just friends). I couldn't understand so I shrugged it off. However I noticed the same off of him to but I didn't want to ruin the best friendship I ever had it would be wrong so I stayed silent. I was scared of ruining and loosing what we had. however deep down I knew he fell for me first. We sort of fell into the relationship, I have never ever felt this kind of feeling before, we both read each other like a book.

January 2015- where things really started to fall in place. We started getting closer and closer always making time for each other going out, our conversations were like a real couples conversation, we would tell each other how much we missed one another have pet names etc. One thing we never did was label the relationship we both went with the flow and I think that is what made it almost special and 'magical'.

After this day our fondness, need and attachment grew and grew for his birthday we spent the whole day together the next day followed and the same thing after that. I have issues with Intimacy  but with him I loved it, he was a gentleman it was all innocent such as hugging leaning on each other holding hands or resting. We had an amazing half a year together as a couple we both knew what we got ourselves into but we never spoke about the cousin situation or questioned it. We both use to say how can something so bad feel so good. I was elated we both were, we both finally had happiness we both were sleeping well just in general our lifestyle began to become positive because we had each other and considering what place we both were in before we got close.  We both were very much in love and we said it to each other in many ways, we looked after each other and we both understood and supported each other. we never fought or argued, we were a balance for each other.

However it was very short lived meanwhile whilst we were both on cloud 9 my mother had an inkling of what was going on and one day she found text messages from him nothing bad just saying I miss you but she demanded answers from me and I told her nothing was going on. But to cut the story short she said that she didn't want me to be with him the things she was saying about him were quite hurtful but I defended him, it was a big blow out but I told him what had happened and my mother was keeping me under so much surveillance it was difficult to talk to him but we both made the effort.  We were sneaking which I felt bad but we couldn't stay away from each other. Our relationship got even more deeper and we got physical but not that physical.

After a couple of month's , long story short he broke it off with me even though he didn't want to it was extremely difficult for both of us and he broke it off due to not wanting to be the cause of breaking the family up. I asked him numerous times before hand if he wasn't sure and if he wanted to leave to tell me otherwise. I kind of half expected him to break it off because I know when something is worrying him. it was oh so difficult for the both of us and I was feeling anger confusion love hurt all wrapped up in one and couldn't understand his decision but we were still speaking even though we found it hard because we were so use to being in a certain way with each other. He told me he didn't want to lose me and I reassured him he wouldn't, but we had this awkwardness which went on for 2 months until we stopped talking every day. Then it turned to weekly conversations barely non existent but we still remained in contact. For some reason I knew it wasn't the end for us both I knew there were such strong feelings still there. It felt so different not being next to him or talking to him life wasn't the same I was so use to being next to him there was no one to talk to and starting over was so hard but nevertheless I decided that I couldn't be miserable and depressed so I decided to fix myself up and have a positive outlook.

He text me in July after 2 weeks of not speaking to him and he told me that he still wanted me but he couldn't have me, I told him that I was respecting his wishes and he said we couldn't be but he still wanted me.  Long story short it went like this every month I guess he missed me and I missed him too but then things got quite physical between us we decided we wanted to get even 'closer' and we would always fall into temptation over text or when we saw each other. We both became an addiction for each other but it couldn't happen.

Now it leads me to present day and we decided we were going to stop this attraction and want we had we decided that we couldn't go through with sleeping with each other he told me he didn't want to hurt me and he didn't want to get hurt he also told me that he couldn't give me a relationship.  However we haven't stopped talking to each  other we are trying to get back to normal and forget and be civil but I just miss him so much even though it doesn't go away I deal with it, I am a strong person but it hurts, we spoke to each other for 2 and half years straight every day without missing a day and now I feel like I've lost a part of me which sounds silly, he was my better half  :(  

I believe that God brought us together when we both needed it, we changed each other for the better. My intuition and gut instinct tells me that we will be together. Is it wrong of me to think that it isn't over for us and I still have hope that we will end up together despite his willingness not to break up the family or am I in over my head. :undecided:  

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Aly,

You are half second cousins. Full second cousins can legally marry everywhere in the world, so far as we know. In the UK, full FIRST cousins can legally marry. You are 20. How is it that your mother is allowed to have constant surveillance over you? Unless she pays the bill for your phone, your conversations are none of her damn business. I don't care if you do live under her roof. She can stop you and him from having a physical relationship under her roof, but that's about the extent of her RIGHTFUL say in your private life. If you have a job, you should be looking for your own place. If you don't have a job, you should be finding one, unless you are still in school. If you ARE still in school, put this all on the back burner, and get that out of the way first. If you believe that God brought you together, and your gut instinct tell you that eventually you will be together, then that will probably happen. You should get independent as soon as you can, then tell your mother he's a good man, it's more than perfectly legal, and she need to stop the drama fest and get use to it. The facts about the genetics, religion, legalities, and history of cousin couples are on the main page. Feel free to print them out and pass them around to "overly interested" family members.

As a side note, you will find that the history of cousin couples works to just the opposite of tearing families apart, and is used primarily to strengthen family bonds. That would be one issue I would overemphasis if I were you....

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are they actually half anything? if he is her grandfather's STEP-brother's son, sounds to me like there's no blood relationship! or maybe i'm just too tired to think straight tonight...

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by the way, i have to say (now that i've read the whole thing), KUDOS for having the strength and willpower and courage to NOT have sex together so far. that's such a rare thing in today's culture, and it speaks volumes about how much respect he has for you, and you for yourself (and for him). that's the kind of strength and love that builds a solid foundation for a lifetime. seriously. you two have so much going for you in terms of what it takes to make a marriage.... don't let fear get in the way and ruin what is probably the love of your life.

just curious... and i ask because refraining from sex really is so rare... is it because of faith that you've stayed strong in that regard?

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Thank You for replying, your replies have given me strength and hope :smiley:

The issue with having my mother at my constant watch is due to the fact that in my culture no matter what age, whatever your parents say, well you have to listen, she is also extremely strict. I understand she only wants what's best for me though. I pay for all my own bills I have a part time Job and studying full time at university, currently in my final year. I want to be financially ready and able to stand on my own two feet before anything can happen. As individuals we are both quite independent, he works full time and earns a steady income so the only issue would be for us is family ties. But you bring up a very good argument in regards to strengthening family bonds and I shall check out the facts on the main page so thank you very much Hawk.

In regards to being related or not well our families are extremely close despite not being blood related, we have a strong family tie that is why it is so difficult. Thank you for the lovely comment LadyC. It is not so much me who is fearing it is him, I can't change his mind but I am hoping that time will :undecided: . Whilst it was/is extremely difficult to refrain, on my part it was my religion. Call me old fashion but I would like to savour that intimate moment for marriage. However on both of our parts it was mainly due to the fact that it is such an intimate thing, and we have already connected emotionally first and have that bond therefore to go through with sex would make it harder knowing that we can't be together after it happens. He also said that he didn't want us both to end up getting hurt, understandable. Despite everything we still have so much respect for each other, he's not the most perfect person in the world but he is perfect for me and no matter the outcome I suppose I will always hold some strong feeling for him (I hope I don't sound to naive). I just hope that I get a happy ending like most people on this site  :smiley:

Thank You guys, much appreciated X  

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Sorry excuse my mistake he is my grandfathers half brother's son's son. Not step. So would there be a blood relation between me and him?

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