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Mloclam

The truth will out

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This was my first real attempt at honesty with myself :embarrassed: . This has been my deep, dark secret for as long as I can remember and one night I finally broke down and wrote everything that came into my head. It helped jar loose some thoughts and emotions I had been bottling up and was very therapeutic for me. I have been tremendously relieved to be able to share the honest stories that others have posted and if this helps even one person feel less alone, I will have done my part.

I've felt it forever. There is a part of me, as loud and destructive as it is silent and buried. An underground explosion wreaking untold damage to a tender but resilient soul. The original, concealed for a lifetime though never forgotten. A counterfeit, albeit masterful, doesn't replace but merely rests, comfortable and unsuspecting, in the void that can only be filled by a return of the authentic. Fondness for the unreal ebbing inconsistently and fading as the genuine is restored. Dormant, the truth has been. Fleeting is the realization before retreating again below the surface.

You are a treasure to me. The most volatile and precious of treasures. A treasure that is not meant to be abused or enjoyed too quickly. We were children. What chance did we have? How could we have known? A lifetime of stolen glances and timid touches. Brushes, not more than the tip of a finger resting just a moment too long to not notice. Others were more voracious and assertive with their affections but could never hope to be as sincere. You are too precious to enjoy quickly. You are too important to be gambled all at once. You are too risky to reach for and as unknowable as my own heart. How could I measure or hope to predict what I have no frame of reference for? How could I have known that life is not worth living without you? I live, safe for a time, with the delusion that I am to you what you are to me. I live sustained only by the image of us together after a lifetime of desperation. I would hold you in my arms but also in my heart above all things as I hope against hope that you would for me. The world around us may crumble and decay and I will look only to you. Food turns to coal as it passes my lips and lodges in my throat as if my heart means to prove that there is no room in me for anything else. This is the future I fear for myself, but so true is my love that I would wait, if necessary, another life time to gaze into your eyes, deep and full of joy and love and kindness, and know that you are mine. I would, so true is my love, be content to watch you live in another's arms if it would bring you the happiness I imagine we could bring each other. So true is my love that I hope you do not love me the way I love you because it hurts so deeply to be apart. The fire in my veins at the thought of you will not subside and finds its way to light through my eyes. It cannot be controlled except by drowning with salty tears and then only for a time. If you find solace in another's arms and another's heart, I thank him for providing you the life I so desperately wish I could give you.

It has been too long. I cannot continue down this path. I cannot continue to build a fictional world that I must eventually destroy when the time comes to fulfill what I can only assume is God's plan for us. For better or worse, the time is coming when I will reveal the truth. The truth I have tried to keep hidden, with apparent success, for all but the briefest moments of our lives. The explosions beneath the surface are causing tremors, threatening to erupt in a molten torrent of turmoil.

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