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LostWithReason

i need some help, Im going crazy!

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Well, I am madly in love with my cousin, and i think he may feel the same way, but I'm not sure. So I am stuck in this horrible limbo that Im not sure I am going to be able to get out of. Our family is roman catholic, and he's in the USMC, so there's no room for error and assuming things.

The reason I think he may feel the same is because the way he acts when I'm single vs. With someone. When I'm single he's very chatty with me, very touchy, giving lingering hugs, stuff like that. When I'm with someone he's very avoidant, blows me off, will talk to other people we both know and when they ask about me he stops replying. I recently confronted him about why he's been avoiding me and after that he explains that he was a big talker and that he would send me screen shots if it wouldn't take so long just to prove he wasn't ignoring me.

I just dont know, and I am so conflicted and have been so depressed lately. I miss and love him so much. I just dont know how to figure stuff out. If anyone could please help me I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks yall.

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well roman catholic is not a problem really... even first cousins can marry in  the catholic church as long as you apply for dispensation (which is almost always granted. it's all about money.)

the usmc is also not a problem, providing that his state of residency doesn't prohibit it.

it all comes down to the laws of the state he's living in.

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I guess I'm more worried about being wrong about his intentions. I live in Tx and him in Nc, so I'm not sure because its not legal here.

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well according to our state laws page, NC permits cousin marriage still. however, it's always best to verify the accuracy of our info, because laws do change occasionally. case in point, when mark and i got married, texas still allowed first cousins to marry. but in 2005 a new law passed making it a felony here.

hawk will probably way in on this. i think he was researching the state laws earlier this year to make sure we didn't have any misinformation on here.

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I figured if they allow first cousin marriages then second cousins shouldn't be an issue. We are second cousins. I just wish I knew for sure if he did have legitimate feelings for me. I guess that's the biggest hold up, and I don't think either one of us will have the guts to fess up to it first. I often doubt myself with my gut feeling, but everyone that does know about how I feel about him(which is very very few) think that he does. Idk. I'm just a little confused right now. I don't want to ruin his life, by making a mistake in judgment.

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there is no state anywhere that prohibits second cousins from marrying. furthermore, the roman catholic church has no dispensational requirements for 2nd cousins... only first. the two of you are as free to date or whatever else you want as any two unrelated people would be. :)

as for ruining his life, i don't see how anything you can say or do would accomplish that. you should trust your instincts. if you really suspect the feelings may be mutual, then gather up your courage and just tell him. then give him time (if he needs it) to chew on possibility.

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LostWithReason,

Second cousins are legal to marry in all 50 States, and pretty much everywhere in the world we are aware of. Even Texas. I'm not doubting your actual relation, but are you sure you are second cousins, and not first cousins once removed? If either of you is the first cousin of one of the parents of the other, then you are 1C1R's. If one each of your parents are first cousins, then indeed, you are second cousins. (As in, one of your grandparents and one of his grandparents are siblings) This is one of the more confusing aspects of how the old family tree branches out, and one we often must clear up among our new members. There are some States, (LadyC, being in Texas, and married to her 1C1R, would know for sure about Texas) that do make the distinction that 1C1R's cannot marry, and others (such as Kentucky) word it as "not nearer of kin than second cousins". Also, with second cousins, there is no need for a dispensation from the diocese.

Now, as to his feelings toward you, and how to figure that out. First off, how old are the two of you, and are either of you in a relationship at this point? If he's in the USMC, I'm sure he's of age, and from your tone and grammar, I'll assume you are as well. Provided I'm correct, and neither of you are attached at this point, you may as well have an adult conversation on the matter. Just by his behavior as you describe it, he has some level of feelings, possibly ( IMHO, probably) romantically inclined at least to some degree. Have either of you ever used what we call "the old tried and true 'If you weren't my cousin.....' " line? If so, how did that conversation go? If not, it sounds like it's time to go there, and see if that doesn't segue into "The Talk".

Of course, if you are both unattached, the next time he's home, and his affection level is what it tends to be when you are single, why not ramp it up a little? Call his bluff so to speak, and see how far he's willing to take it. Actions do speak considerably louder than words. BUT, before you take it to it's eventual conclusion, sprinkle enough cool water on it to get some ground rules in place. Intimacy will change things. It is very apt to get very intense, very quickly, trust me. If things move too fast, it could overwhelm either or both of you, and the fears of what others will think could make you walk away from it. Again, trust me. If you are worried about what family will say, you will tend to be very discrete. Initially, the sneaking around can be very exhilarating and exciting. Eventually, it will become drudgery. All of this is out in front of where you are at this point, and, I see LadyC has hit a couple of my points too, when I went to preview this.

Being Catholic, I'm assuming it isn't beyond you two to have a glass of wine or two either. That works to loosen the tension, but you would be well advised to not over imbibe in the middle of this process of discovering each others feelings. Again, trust me on that too. While you don't want to overthink it, you will want to have where you're going to go with this thought out with a clear head. Get a little too schnockered, let things get carried away, and you could find yourselves feeling quite awkward in the sober light of morning. Don't let it get awkward. Once again, trust me on that.

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I'm pretty sure we are second cousins. His grandfather was my grandfathers brother. However, I could be wrong about that. As for age, hes a year older than me, and I'm 26 currently. He is single currently, whereas I am not, and we both acknowledged that our relationship is on the outs, so that's what makes things so hard on me. We both have children as well.

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LostWithReason,

If your grandfathers are brothers, then you two are second cousins. If you are seriously considering a relationship with him, then you need to button up any loose ends on your part. Beyond that, see above. You two are surely old enough to proceed. Get your facts in a row for any nay-sayers in the family, and don't worry about what anyone else says. The parents of your children don't get a say either. With second cousins being legal in all 50 States, if they say they will take the kids, smile and say "Try....". I personally would love to go before a judge and say "Your Honor, with second cousins being legal to marry in all 50 States, and us considering a relationship possibly up to and including that, just exactly WHY are we here?" Then, just set back and enjoy the smackdown, LOL Of course, again, way out in front of where you are at this point.

If you and your current SO are agreed that it's pretty much over, then part as amicably as possible, and take any time until you do see your cousin to refocus. I'll encourage you to step it up as mentioned, but, do treat it as you would any new relationship. Because in reality, that's what it will be. That you two have known each other for as long as you have is not so unusual. It's only "the cousin factor" that causes the little wrinkle in it. You will probably want to be discrete initially. There is no need to invite unneeded drama until you find out if there is actually a mutual attraction and possibility of it going forward.

If things do progress, don't be surprised if it gets very intense in relatively short order. That happens. We hear how the connection is so strong, and aspects of it being "uncanny", for lack of a better word. That's how it was with me and my second cousin. We were just a little too young at the time, (20) and had no such resource as this site. We have the whole "finish each others sentences, know what the other is thinking" thing that many members mention having when they come here. The actual verbalizing our feelings would have probably helped though. As would having been considerably more sober when we did so. But it is what it is, and now, decades later, it's all good. You want to have the nerve to have the conversation, preferably before any neeked shenanigans, but if not, certainly afterwards. Be sure you have the facts about cousin couples, because he may not (probably won't) know them, and might be overwhelmed by it at first. Tell him "Don't be skeered", show him this site, then decide where you want to go with it.

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I've never been one to take risk without knowing 100% for sure that a situation is correct, so I told myself that I wouldn't say or act on anything until I see him this holiday season. He will be on leave probably for Christmas and New Years, so I want to see how he acts this time. I have loved him since high school, but just pushed it away because I figured there would be no chance. Now that we are both grown, and he's been acting like he has for the last maybe 5 or 6 years, I am starting to believe that the feelings are there for him too.

Thank you so much for the advice, and I am thankful to have found this website. I didn't know about any of the information that you have given me, thank you for educating me on this matter. Its always best to be armed with facts in situations as big as this.

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LostWithReason,

I'm going to say he feels the same as you. Whether it's been there as long on his part as it has yours remains to be seen. I have a feeling he's just as nervous about his feelings as you are. I'll also assume your being so cautious all this time ("I've never been one to take risk without knowing 100% for sure that a situation is correct,") has led to caution on his part as well. However, his behavior betrays his feelings, even if subconsciously.

If this relationship of yours is pretty much over, don't drag it out, call it quits. We don't go for infidelity here, and, even though you aren't married, at this point, you are still technically attached. Though at this point, my cousin and I are neither married, we are both in committed relationships, and have been agreed since well before I was divorced that we have no stomach for cheating with each other. So, there will be no shenanigans on our part. Do you and your current "partner" a favor, and be fully available before you go down a new road.

When you are free to pursue your feelings, I'll still advise you to go back to the old "If you weren't my cousin, ______" line. It breaks the ice, and at the same time gives you an out. If he agrees, you step it up, and say "Actually, we aren't related THAT close, so it doesn't REALLY bother me all that much that we ARE cousins." Perfectly honest. Remember, you now have the facts. But, if he reacts badly, actually does have the "ick" factor, and says "OMG, what are you talking about?", you have the out of saying "I did say IF you know? IF we weren't cousins...."  Then, at least for the time being, you'll have to drop it. It will give him food for thought though, so don't be surprised if he doesn't come back at some point, (after possibly finding his way here, LOL) and say, "You know, I've been thinking...." I really don't think you have to worry about that though. I really think he feels almost exactly like you do. You just have to pry it out of him.  :grin: At the next round of "touchy- huggy- feely" out of him, reciprocate. If it's in your comfort zone, and without prying eyes, kiss him. You'll know pretty quick how he feels then, and at that stage, you break the ice, and go from there....

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Well, thank you so much for the advice. I don't know much about these situations, and I'm not handling the pain well. Around this time last year my step sister blurted out that she had slept with them back in high school, and after that... I had to come out to someone. Its really breaking my heart to be so far apart, especially since we used to be really close growing up. I miss him dearly, really, and I am having issues coping. I was going to say something to him tonight, just to say hi, but he's pulling his usual ignore me routine tonight.

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I guess I'm more worried about being wrong about his intentions. I live in Tx and him in Nc, so I'm not sure because its not legal here.

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I'm lost too. I have questions. I know this isn't a "hook-up" site, but I'm confused because it is my first cousin and the nature of recent incidents. We're older (over 35), grew up together as kids but parted ways long ago to live our lives. I'd say we always liked each other just never said anything. Over the past year, he's made at least 3 highly sexually suggestive comments. The first two I declined, and he didn't say anything. Recently, he made a suggestion again and I acknowledge him. I'm confused.  Now he's worried about things "morally," and silent. I think when he was trying to tell me how he really felt, he did it in a sexual manner which is not at all like him and I was a bit caught off guard (silent). I kind of feel like I'm left to wonder what it all meant. Was he serious? Is he just after sex (I'm not)? I thought the sexual talk was beneath him. A turn off for me. What is his deal? He's too old for those shenanigans in my opinion. Help mansplain this please?

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