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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Kylie123

Words I cannot say to him

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I miss my cousin so much. I know what I did was the right thing, which was to press charges against him legally.....and where he is, is a consequence of what he did not me...., and my inability to contact him for a year is what is..........(if anybody wants more detail about that just message me)...but I still miss him terribly. Beyond words can explain

I decided to start a journal to write down how I am feeling. It's a little bit different though because it's intended for him to read. I hope one day to give it to him. It's helping me release all of these emotions I can't express to him right now, due to what is legally preventing us from speaking.

I love him so much, and was looking forward to living with him so much. I searched for this apartment for months for us..He wanted so badly to be my boyfriend. I remember him explaining his feelings towards me. He told me he did not think of me as a cousin but a girlfriend. Remembering him describe his love towards me is still like a dream. We have had so much fun together. I know he genuinely does love me. When we were intimate it's like time stood still. I felt normal.......not crazy for liking my cousin. Everything felt right. Peaceful.

All of his belongings are still here in my house. His clothes smell like him. I'm trying to let go...I am hoping he realizes what he did, and understands why I had to do what I did, but does not hate me.

Family is so happy right now. They don't even have to speak the words for me to know it's because they want to separate us. They didn't want him to live with me to begin with.

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Kylie123,

We remind our members every so often that cousins are people too, with all the good qualities AND flaws we all share. It's probably been a while since one of us have reminded our members and guests of this, so, it's my turn to do so again. Folks come here with stars in their eyes and a spring in their step, and sooner or later, the reality of this fact comes into play, and the bloom comes off the rose, as it were. I'm not saying you in particular, seeing as how you did have at least some idea this could be the outcome. And, your case is one of the more extreme examples, though probably not the worst case we're aware of either.

I'm sure this is a very hard pill for you to swallow, but, take it you must. You will survive. This will pass. The best you can wish for him, is that he gets the help he needs with his issues. The best you can do for you, is to realize it won't be you who fixes him.

I am curious as to your opinion on part of this, if you know, and would be willing to speculate. How much of the family's "happiness" (in my mind, read relief) is related to the fact that you two are cousins, and they didn't want to see that, and how much of it could be their realization of his proclivities, and not wanting to see you drawn in and hurt? I'm sure the stigma most likely played a part in their drama, but, I am curious as to how much of it could have been looking out for your best interest as well. Was this side of the equation brought up, and to what extent, as compared to the whole "cousin" thing? (You may have mentioned this, but at the moment, I don't really have the time to go back and look. Plus, I'm curious as to your opinion here and now, looking back on it.) 

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I  think it could be how they did not want me to be drawn in and hurt as well. They kept saying he had issues and needed help, but I tried to be the only one to help him. In a way I wonder how much I really did help verses enable him.

My family has a very negative opinion of him. He's burned many bridges let's say, and they cannot see the good or improvement he has made amongst the bad. Seeing the good amongst the bad has sometimes been my downfall....sooo I guess it is both them looking out for me and not wanting me to be "involved" with him.

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throughout my life i've written journals meant for others to someday read. it's very therapeutic. and ironically, by the time it's done its therapy, at least in my case, i've always healed to the point that i no longer needed them to read it. maybe that will happen for you, too.

but whether it does or not, please make sure to spend a lot of time in that journal telling him (and yourself) why you deserve to be treated with love, and gentleness, and why you never deserve to be hurt by any man. because that's something both of you need to really believe, from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes!

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