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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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sam675

Need some advice

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17 posts in this topic

so iv looked all over this website and it has definitely help me a lot. I never thought to myself that id ever be able to tell my cousin how i feel about her, but i did. iv made this post becouse i need some help. Il start from the beginning.

when i was really young, id say about 10 i developed a crush on her but i was never able to tell her until a couple months back. we are both in our early 20's, living in Australia. we see each other 2-3 times a week and one night we were sitting at a park just chatting. then i told her theirs something iv always wanted to tell you but never have been able to, so she sat up straight and asked 'what is it' and so i told her that iv had a crush on her ever since i was like 10. after a moment of silence she said so did i but we were kids its fine and laughed. then i told her that i still had those feelings, so she said 'oh, well your not expecting anything out of this are you? then i told her no i just wanted to tell her and that its been lingering in my mind for a while. i also said to her 'don't get weird with  me now, your still my cousin, i still love and care about you, not just because your my cousin but also because of who you are'. she said 'yea thats fine, i still love you too'. so after this conversation i had with her i was expecting her to get weird around me but thats not the case. i almost feel like she wants to see me more often now? or i dunno, but we defiantly see each other more often and lately she keeps talking about how she's going to be single for ever, be a cat lady and so on. like almost every time I'm with her we talk about how she and i are single. i mean we used to talk about our single life and so on but we are talk about it even more now. I'm not saying we don't talk about other things but the relationship topic has increased and i feel like it might be a sign?

so my question is what should i do? just keep it the way it is and hope she says something i want to hear? or is it over, forget about her?

any advice will be much appreciated. even if you can share a story similar that would also help. thanks     

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does she ever seem to flirt with you? without hearing her tone of voice or seeing her body language it's hard to guess her feelings just from her words. maybe you need to just kinda casually ask one day if any bit of that crush still ilngers.

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no, I don't think she flirts with me. I'm scared if I ask her questions like you said she might get wierd or push me away, it might just be too much.

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then my advice is to just enjoy the friendship you have and build on it. one day it might change and she may see you in a whole new way. or she may never see you as anything more than a friend. that's not always a bad thing. when i was younger (back when i still looked like i do in my profile picture), there were just some guys whose friendship meant way to much for me to be willing to risk ruining it with romance. seriously, i'm not making that up. those are the men i still care deeply about. the ones i got romantic about back in my 20's never even cross my mind now.

and then there was one... the one i've been married to 17 years now (on new year's). but it all started with a friendship.

so cherish the friendship. whether it ever grows into something more or not, you'll be one of the most valuable people in her life that she'll never forget.

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I'm just curious, when you two talk about being single....what are your reasons behind that? Has she been heartbroken? Did somebody break up with her or vice versa? I ask because maybe it could be a sign, or maybe she is trying to tell you why she is hesitant to get involved in a new relationship.... (maybe even with you). I think her not getting weirded out by your conversation is a huge plus. To me it sounds like she can trust you, and you have done the right thing in her eyes by being honest. You have only strengthened your relationship with her which is a good thing. I would not rush wanting anything more from her right now though. Maybe the next time you guys talk about being single .....say something like...well unless I met somebody like you who can understand me etc....build on what makes your relationship strong. It's strengths. Then if it's meant to be.... it will be. By then it should be very clear to both parties. 

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Thanks for the advice ladyc, I definitely don't won't to loose her freinship but I also don't want to leave it as just friends. I will be patient and when the right time comes along, il ask her if she's interested.

Well her last relationship went for a few years. Been a year since they have broken up and she tells me that she's just sick of him. She grew tired of him being lazy jobless and not studying. The topic about relationships just pops up all the time randomly and it's definitely increased since I told her about my feelings a couple months back

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Update

The other day we went to the beach and she mentioned my feelings towards her. I specifically acted a little upset when she brought up the topic to see how she would react, she ended up being upset back at me. So later that night I texted her this.

I'm sorry for upsetting you today, it was not my intention. You mean a lot to me I hate to see you upset especially when I'm the cause. Well then again when ever your upset it's usually because of me.

The reason why I was little upset was not your fault, it was me. I just don't like talking about the topic of my feelings. The feelings are obviously not mutual and sometimes I wish I hadn't said anything. Let's just not open this topic up again. Im sure we will both find someone awesome some day, even though koray is pretty awesome 😜 gnight xx

Then she replied

Thats ok, apology accepted ☺️Im sorry for not understanding that and being so pushy.. thats ok, as long as you dont want to talk about it i wont bring it up, i promise.

I will just say though that I definitely dont want you to regret opening up about it.. You know how much i love and care about you, and i wouldnt want you to have to hide things from me.. Yeah it does play in the back of my mind sometimes but it doesnt change anything for me, youre still the same (my name) to me.. Difficult and stubborn but damn caring, generous, and fun to be around. I just brought it up today cause i wanted to make sure i wasnt doing anything wrong by you. But from now on my lips are sealed.

Haha and yes koray is a great guy, guess just not the one for me! Sleep well xx

What do use think?

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I think you should not shut her out and get upset but talk about it. The feelings may not be mutual, but it would help you to talk about them with her. Her response was very nice, and respectful of your wishes. But tell her you changed your mind and would like to talk about this subject further.

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Kylie123,

You're close, but not exactly how I would handle it.

sam675,

Kylie123 is right in that you don't want to shut her out and get upset about it. BUT, for now, the topic is dropped. Leave it dropped. She's admitted in the back of her mind occasionally she DOES entertain the thought. LET HER, without bringing it to the fore. Sooner or later, if she thinks about it enough to warm to the idea, she'll find the opportunity to bring it up again. The conversation will probably start out along the lines of " Now I don't want to upset you, but...." When it does, you DON'T let it upset you. If she brings it up, it's because she's considering it, but still conflicted. She will be looking for something on your part to tip the scales one way or the other. My advice is, when (of course, this is an IF too now) such a conversation happens, you say "I won't get upset, BUT, I want to show you something before we get real deep into this conversation". Then, take her to the main page here, and show her the facts. Tell her you found this place when you started realizing there were some deeper feelings on your part, and YOU were conflicted about them. If she has questions, both of you look around until you find the factual answers to them. If it goes to the further topics of "What will the family think/How would we explain it to family/other people, you come to the forum here, and read the stickies on those topics. Until she brings it up though, leave it stewing on her back burner. If it stews long enough, it will come to a boil, and she won't be able to contain it. If during that time, she sees that the relationship hasn't gotten weird, she'll have a pretty good indication that, so long as she doesn't make it weird, she can still broach the topic, even if briefly, then back off if necessary. Bide your time. She's thinking. LOL Dangerous I know, but, you've given her food for thought. Let it simmer. I'm telling you, sooner or later, if nothing else, she'll drop the "if we weren't cousins" line or SOMETHING to bring it back up. It may take weeks, months, or a year even. But, I'm telling you, I think she's stewing it over, and she will bring it back up. You just have to be the cool character until she does.  

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Thank you both kylie123 and hawk for your responses really appreciate it.

I am definitely going to take your advice and give that a go. Going to be patient and keep the current relationship that we have as solid as possible, even if she never changes her mind tuff luck I guess but if she does do as you say.... Well then I will be over the moon!

If everything goes well, il come back here and share my own complete story. Thanks again

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Good luck Sam675. Yes I agree with Hawk. That's why I love this place. . People do not just agree with others but speak from experience, knowledge and are really honest in trying to help others...Hopefully we were of help.

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Kylie123 definitely do appreciate the help it's been very helpful, would have been totally lost without this website.

Iv got another update.

Last night she called me and we went out for coffee. She opened the topic of my "feelings". Il keep it short, she basically told me she doesn't want anything unsaid and that she doesn't want to do nothing wrong my me, meaning that if its hard to be around her then we can put some distance inbetween us. She doesn't want to but if I would like to she's happy to suck it up and do it. She also mention how much she loves and cares about me and that she wouldn't know what to do if she lost me. I told her all I want is for her to be happy and nothing else. We are still as close as ever if not closer.

Do you think she migh warm up to the idea of being in a relationship with her cousin? Or will it stay the way it is, which isn't a problem but obviously would love for it to be much more.

Also forgot to mention we come from a Turkish background, so my father and mother are cousins and I have a few more relatives that are also cousins if that helps, her parents arnt though.

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sam675,

 

My advice still stands, and, I'll add that she has to know that culturally, even though her parents aren't cousins like yours, it isn't something to totally rule out of hand. She genuinely may not see you in the same light as you see her, and you may have to face that, hard as that my be. But, I'm telling you, she's thinking. Right now, she's got you in the "friendzone". Good for her, but sux being you, feeling the way you do. While it's hard to get out of the friendzone, it's not impossible. It usually takes her getting crapped on by some asshat, to realize she need not put up with such, when you are there, and a viable option. Rather unpleasant to watch, from your perspective, but do resist any temptation to say "I told you so" if that should happen. I really do get the feeling the little wheels in her head are starting to turn. I mean, after she said "I won't bring it up, I promise", what's the first thing she did? She brought it up! Just like I said she would, if I do say so myself, LOL (I'll try not to break my arm patting myself on the back here, ok? LOL) The only difference is, I thought it would take her longer.... :wink:

We saw a very similar scenario out of the guy that got me wound up to actually join and post in this forum several years ago. He was considerably more full of angst than you, but, they were considerably younger than you too. The scenario was playing out quite similar though. She saw it as an impossibility, got herself a BF, and our boy was devastated. She wanted her cake, and to eat it too. She had him in the friendzone, and wanted her BF to be the BF, and him to be her best friend. I told him he should remind her that if she has a BF, the BF has to be the best friend, and he has to make himself scarce. So, that's what he did. It didn't take but a couple days for the BF to be out of the picture, because, in the end, our boy was more important to her than this BF would be. She decided she would go for it with our boy here. Mind you, this is in the US, and in the same State as me. In this State, it isn't against the law, but, they'll not be able to legally marry here either. He's not been here in forever, but, the last we heard from him, they were quite the item, they were at different Uni's, alternating weekend travel between them to see each other, and had become masters at hiding it from family. One difference in your case is, you (I'm assuming) wouldn't have to hide it from family, as it's a fairly accepted practice.

Bide your time son. She could be coming around. I would keep it at 2-3 times a week seeing her too. Since you told her, she wants it to be even more? Mmmm Nah. You're not a glutton for punishment. If it all has to be platonic and casual, then casual it is. You start jumping at her beckon call, and she'll be expecting it. Looks needy on your part, even if it's HER that can't keep from bringing it up now, and not you. When she brings it up, be a good sport, and play along. After a couple more times, say maybe the third time she does it, slide in close to her, and whisper in her ear "Now who's bringing it up? Is someone starting to think 'If I wasn't his cousin, I'd be his GF' "? She'll blush, and you'll know. Then, you don't let her deny it, and you make her spill her REAL feelings, because it will be a little hard to deny it at that point.

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So we had another conversation last night. We went into detail on how I feel about her and she started to cry. I asked her why she was crying and she said that she loves and cares about me but she hates the fact that I feel more towards her and she doesn't, she feels bad that I love her but she doesn't. We decided that our relationship will still remain strong and she made it very clear that she wouldn't want to loose me not just as a cousin but as a friend.

This has pretty much made things clear for me that she has no romantic feelings towards me and I'm pretty sure it will remain this way.

What do use think?

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I think you should remain friends do the things you have always done, and don't give up on the

thought that she doesn't feel the same way as you.  Given time she may change her mind.

Don't however live for that day but remain aware that it could be a possibility/probability.

At least she is willing to talk with you and didn't laugh at you or get weirded out.  That

is a big plus.  Stay in the "friendzone" Hawk told you about.

Best wishes.

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It's a really difficult situation, like can I still date other girls? Or do I wait around. If I date other girls now she going to think to herself, this idiot just told me he loves me but here he is sleeping around with others and that's just going to destroy all my chances with her. She's never slept with a guy and dislikes guys that sleep around with others but the only reason I used to do that is becomes i knew it was hopeless for her and I to ever be together. Haven't been doing all that for a while now but ahh I don't know what to do.

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Sure you can date other girls. BUT understand that dating and sleeping around are two different things.

One is not dependent on the other.  You can date, go out to dinner, to the movies, to a museum any number

of things   BUT that doesn't mean you have to "sleep with" the young lady.  Treat her as a LADY deserves to be

treated, not as a conquest.   If your cousin doesn't like guys that do sleep around, DON'T be one of them!  You are in control

of your actions in that department, no one else.  Be someone she would look on favorably.

Your cousin has to know that you can't put your life on hold waiting for her to change her mind

 about the way she feels about you. That may NEVER happen. And is not fair to either of you.  It might make

her feel guilty for not returning the feelings and you would have put your life on hold hoping that she will

change.  Talk to her about how she feels if you were to see other girls.  I have a feeling that it will go one of two

ways. Either she will encourage you to do so or she may realize that  she does have some feelings for you and feels

a twinge of jealousy thinking of you seeing someone else.  Don't be pushy about it, but at the right time you can bring

it up.

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