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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Tib_12

I'm really nervous

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Hi! I had a dream last night/morning. I was in my English class and there was a sign about cousin love. I asked my teacher about it and she thought it was ok.

But today, I was talking about cousin relationships with one of my friends. I said that they don't really bother me, and she looked at me weirdly. I could tell that she thinks that cousin relationships are weird. It did bother me a little, because I have feelings for my cousin. Is it really wrong? The only person I have here to talk about it is my best friend (so thankful for her). I'm scared that I'll like him for a really long time. I've already liked him for a long time. His feelings for me are unknown to me, but I do get these "feelings," but I don't fully trust them. I'm not quite ready to tell him. But, if I ever do tell him, I'm scared that he will negatively respond. And, that would really, really hurt. But, I'm hurting now too. I saw him at a family gathering a few months ago, and I just broke down crying. That's when I kind of realized that me and him are probably not going to happen. And, it sucks because these feelings for him are strong, and he's really the only guy that I've really liked.

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Tib, to me, the only thing you can do is go for it.  If you had these feelings for someone else who wasn't related, you would be just as nervous and scared about the potential rejection. Those feelings are natural.  I say go for it because I honestly think it would be better to be honest and take a shot and be rejected than never take a shot at all.  At least you know and at least you don't have any regret on the issue later in life.  You can begin the process, the very slow and hard process, of moving on.  And honestly, going for it is the only way your joy of being with that person can come about.  Someone has to take the plunge.  Just don't let anyone make you believe the way you feel is wrong, him or anyone.  Lean on your friend and hopefully this site will lend some helpful advice.  Good luck, Tib.

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You, my dear, are letting your emotions get ahead of you.  He's the first young man that you've had feelings for and you don't know what to do with them, and that is OK.  Don't get too hung up on him.  It sounds like he is not giving you any indication that he views you as any more that his cousin.  You are wise to keep your feelings to yourself right now. 

Try to occupy your mind with other things right now.  Sometimes we can get so caught up in the fantasy of a relationship, that we forget to live and enjoy life!  There are lots of young men in this world  - he is not the 'only one'.  I know it doesn't seem that way, but I promise you it's the truth!  And sometimes we can get so caught up trying to get one guy's attention that we miss a great catch who's been right under our nose the whole time.

I'm not saying that a relationship with your cousin is not possible - I have no idea if it is or not!!  I am saying that I don't want you to miss out on all the great things of life, and possibly someone who will return your affections, but being so focused on this one guy.

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Tib, to me, the only thing you can do is go for it.  If you had these feelings for someone else who wasn't related, you would be just as nervous and scared about the potential rejection. Those feelings are natural.  I say go for it because I honestly think it would be better to be honest and take a shot and be rejected than never take a shot at all.  At least you know and at least you don't have any regret on the issue later in life.  You can begin the process, the very slow and hard process, of moving on.  And honestly, going for it is the only way your joy of being with that person can come about.  Someone has to take the plunge.  Just don't let anyone make you believe the way you feel is wrong, him or anyone.  Lean on your friend and hopefully this site will lend some helpful advice.  Good luck, Tib.

To be honest I've felt the opposite about this kind of situation. I don't think it's the same thing as having those feelings for some unrelated person, because you stand much more to lose if things go sour with your cousin...in some cases I have even wondered if it is worth the risk because with my cousin, I definitely do not want to lose what I already have with her. Because of this, I still haven't told her...and I'm very afraid and I get some really bad feelings inside when I think about it and all the things that can wrong. I have literally envisioned my confession and like the hundred or so different outcomes to it and most don't look promising to me despite how close I am with her (sorry Tib, don't want to discourage you even more).

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You, my dear, are letting your emotions get ahead of you.  He's the first young man that you've had feelings for and you don't know what to do with them, and that is OK.  Don't get too hung up on him.  It sounds like he is not giving you any indication that he views you as any more that his cousin.  You are wise to keep your feelings to yourself right now. 

Try to occupy your mind with other things right now.  Sometimes we can get so caught up in the fantasy of a relationship, that we forget to live and enjoy life!  There are lots of young men in this world  - he is not the 'only one'.  I know it doesn't seem that way, but I promise you it's the truth!  And sometimes we can get so caught up trying to get one guy's attention that we miss a great catch who's been right under our nose the whole time.

I'm not saying that a relationship with your cousin is not possible - I have no idea if it is or not!!  I am saying that I don't want you to miss out on all the great things of life, and possibly someone who will return your affections, but being so focused on this one guy.

Thank you! It's not that I don't like other guys, it's just not as much. Though, I did like a boy for eight years and I've liked a few others seriously. But, with my cousin, my feelings feel more genuine (not saying its true love), I really don't know how to explain it. We do have these moments every once in awhile, but the only people who can really make sense of them, is either me or him. There could be feelings in these 'moments,' but there could also just be familial love. I know my feelings and he knows his. Maybe he likes me and is going through what I'm going through, or not. If God wanted us to be together, we will be. His knowledge of who the perfect man is for me, is way better than my ideas of the perfect man. The situation does make me really sad, but it hasn't taken over my life. Currently, I find myself obsessing with Charlie Bewley's hotness (ugh, he's sexy and personally, I don't usually call guys that  :wink:) and trying to work up the courage to talk to a guy in one of my classes. On top of that, grade 12 is just beginning.

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On top of that, grade 12 is just beginning.

Then allow me to come roaring back on the site with a vengeance......LOL. I've been scarce around these parts for a while now, but you are in the perfect position to get my broken record speech. It goes like this: #1) FOCUS ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK. Don't let Cuz or ANY OTHER boy distract you. #2) Stay close, hang out whenever you get the chance. Build the friendship. #3) Put, at least THE MAJORITY of the romantic feelings on the back burner. You are getting close enough to being of age to where, if the situation should arise, you could test the waters A LITTLE. Maybe the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin, I'd go out with you, date you, be your GF", whatever.... you know what will work in your particular situation. If he reacts badly, you can say "I did say IF, you know???" and let it slide for a while. If he says something like "Yeah, sux don't it?", you can say something to the effect of "Really, I don't have THAT big of a problem with it, I'd go out with you anyhow." Perhaps he would escort you to Prom? It worked for another young member, once him and his Cuz were on the same page. They have become masters at keeping it hidden, the last we heard. They went to Prom under the pretense of him being a "safe" date for her. Speaking of keeping it hidden, YOU WANT TO KEEP IT ON THE WAY DOWN LOW for the time being. You two would most likely NOT withstand the drama out of family which would come. You did not mention where you are, so I shan't either. However, where you are, it is perfectly legal for cousins to marry. A little ahead of the game, but good information to know none the less. That being said, that does NOT mean that there wouldn't be drama out of family, and as you are finding out, friends. Family would not have been a problem, but drama out of friends is why my and my cousin didn't go for it, and probably never will. And we were 20. And we are 51 now. But anywho, should you discover you both have similar feelings, you may as well go ahead and have as we call it, "The Talk." It should go something like this: "We both feel the same, but for now, we need to focus on school. Let's keep this all on the down low. Let's get our schooling out of the way, get some college or vo-tech thing under our hats, get decent jobs, get out on our own, and THEN, go for it." And then do that. Get smart, get jobs, get out on your own, and then GO FOR IT, and don't let ANYONE stop you.

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Then allow me to come roaring back on the site with a vengeance......LOL. I've been scarce around these parts for a while now, but you are in the perfect position to get my broken record speech. It goes like this: #1) FOCUS ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK. Don't let Cuz or ANY OTHER boy distract you. #2) Stay close, hang out whenever you get the chance. Build the friendship. #3) Put, at least THE MAJORITY of the romantic feelings on the back burner. You are getting close enough to being of age to where, if the situation should arise, you could test the waters A LITTLE. Maybe the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin, I'd go out with you, date you, be your GF", whatever.... you know what will work in your particular situation. If he reacts badly, you can say "I did say IF, you know???" and let it slide for a while. If he says something like "Yeah, sux don't it?", you can say something to the effect of "Really, I don't have THAT big of a problem with it, I'd go out with you anyhow." Perhaps he would escort you to Prom? It worked for another young member, once him and his Cuz were on the same page. They have become masters at keeping it hidden, the last we heard. They went to Prom under the pretense of him being a "safe" date for her. Speaking of keeping it hidden, YOU WANT TO KEEP IT ON THE WAY DOWN LOW for the time being. You two would most likely NOT withstand the drama out of family which would come. You did not mention where you are, so I shan't either. However, where you are, it is perfectly legal for cousins to marry. A little ahead of the game, but good information to know none the less. That being said, that does NOT mean that there wouldn't be drama out of family, and as you are finding out, friends. Family would not have been a problem, but drama out of friends is why my and my cousin didn't go for it, and probably never will. And we were 20. And we are 51 now. But anywho, should you discover you both have similar feelings, you may as well go ahead and have as we call it, "The Talk." It should go something like this: "We both feel the same, but for now, we need to focus on school. Let's keep this all on the down low. Let's get our schooling out of the way, get some college or vo-tech thing under our hats, get decent jobs, get out on our own, and THEN, go for it." And then do that. Get smart, get jobs, get out on your own, and then GO FOR IT, and don't let ANYONE stop you.

Thank you! Darn, it's so much easier looking at handsome faces, than chemical equations :P.  I've actually thought about taking him as my emergency escort. But, I don't exactly know how to go about it. All of the advice you guys have given is very helpful!! It's just nice to receive advice from people who are going through the similar things that you are going through. God Bless!!

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