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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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cross514

Related parents?

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Okay so I have one fact about myself which bothers me so much and which is always on my mind. And that fact is my parents are cousins. I find it terribly gross and not to mention their marriage wasnt a love one either (they're separated now). It bothers me a lot cuz I have a mental disorder (its mild) and also my physical features (crooked teeth and what looks like to be an asymmetric face)....I cant help but think this is the result of my parents being cousins

I'm a teenager and I come from a Western country. Apparently I'm bright (I'm not good at academics; failed Maths but got my minimum required qualifications), but I have my disorder and as a result I've required support for it, and it also seems to be used against me by my own mum. She also abused me as a kid, and I guess the fact that she was pressured into this ill thought marriage was the reason why. This fact about myself has been making me depressed a lot, and I dont feel like I wanna be here or in this body at least. I feel inferior to other people and feel like I've been deprived of an equal amount of genes like others.

I've also been teased repeatedly over it but its not my bloody fault. It's embarrassing and sometimes it makes me have all sorts of thoughts. I dont know what to do about it :/. How am I supposed to cope with this? The stupid decision that idiotic family members did. This makes me hate them

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you're a teenager. hating your parents, blaming them for everything, being unhappy with your looks, and all that anxt you write about in your post are just part of being a teenager. your issues are not the result of your parents being cousins. even your mild mental disorder is highly unlikely to be genetic. in fact, a mild mental disorder is extremely common in today's society and more often has to do with your environment and your diet than with anything genetic. and if your parents aren't FIRST cousins (meaning that THEIR parents are siblings), then the odds of it being genetic go from being extremely unlikely to being astronomical.

and just because your parents are split up now in your teen years does not not not mean that they weren't in love when they married.

you need to start treating yourself more kindly.

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cross514,

I'll agree with LadyC, and perhaps give you a little further food for thought.

One, there are no known MILD disorders directly related to offspring of cousins that I'm aware of. There may be varying degrees of severity, but the conditions we're talking about here are quite serious indeed. If you had one of them, you'd know it. By the same token, they are extremely rare, even among communities where arranged cousin marriages are the norm. Only in select communities are the exaggerated numbers noted. And those are presumed to be related to a phenomenon called "Founders Effect" or some such. I don't recall the specifics, but line breeding and interbreeding are a factor in it, but not the only one. If you're so inclined, look it up. Offspring afflicted in this manner are in no condition to wax eloquent on the matter, as is your effort. Believe me when I tell you, if you were missing just one gene, depending on which one, you wouldn't be here typing. If you were missing a chromosome, depending on which one it is, you wouldn't be setting there typing. You've got all your parts and pieces, don't worry.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you find it gross because society as a whole has come, over the last 150 yrs or so, to find it gross. Looking at the history and actual genetics of it, there is nothing gross about it. Looking at it religiously, (other than in Hinduism, and the actual facts of what it says is open to some interpretation) it is not considered gross, and in certain instances, has been commanded. Very close to 80% of all marriages throughout history have been between first or second cousins. 15 billion people, or whatever the number would be, can't all be wrong, or gross. Whether we would like to admit it or not, we're all somewhere down the line out of such marriages. I'll venture a relatively conservative guess that you're in good company with at least a half a billion people on the planet at this very moment, who are the offspring of cousins. The actual number could be twice that, I'm not sure. You could probably look that up too and get some sort of accurate number. Suffice it to say, you're not alone by a long shot.

Also, many "arranged" marriages don't work out, and are not happy. BUT, many more "love" marriages end up not happy and end in divorce. Like my parents for example. My cousin's parents. My GF's parents. I have to put more effort into figuring out which of my friends parents AREN'T divorced, than which ones are. Although it didn't work that way in the case of your parents, the statistics are that arranged marriages, cousins or not, have a much higher success rate. While initially the parties may not be in love, the likelihood of them falling in love over time, and that love deepening over time, is a common noted observation. By you saying it was "forced" and not "arranged" it could fall outside the typical definition of such marriages, but if it does fit that bill, these stats are a given.

Keep in mind too, that this site tends to deal with cousins that are not forced together, but who love each other and are much more often forced APART. Or at least a very strong effort is made to do so. The effort is made to keep them apart because of all the unfounded biases you are feeling, as a result of the "conventional wisdom" on the subject as it has come to be. HOWEVER, do not feel that we are not here to help you with the feelings you have, and perhaps clearing up common misconceptions that have been forced on you. Apparently you ARE bright, so, I would encourage you to go to the main page, https://www.cousincouples.com/ have a look around, check out the actual facts, and see if it doesn't make you feel a little better about yourself, and considerably more knowledgeable than the average schmuck walking around spouting "facts" to you, of which they know nothing about.

Even though I was one of the bigger kids my age growing up, I had my share of being picked on because of my looks. "Hows the weather up there? HAHAHA" Well, I finally had an arse full of it, and I would stick out my tongue and blow slobbers at them and say "Not bad, but I see it's raining down there, HAHAHA" It didn't take but a few times to stop the weather jokes, but, it just switched to the size of my feet, my haircut, my this, my that. Shallow people will always find a way to belittle you, in order to make themselves feel bigger. You may as well start sticking up for yourself now. Yeah, you may get scuffed up a time or two, I did, but sooner or later it will stop. At 6'3" and about 230#, I don't get any weather jokes and BS anymore. I'm going to say it's been over 20 years since someone wanted to try me on for size too. Funny how that works....   

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