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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Tom182

This is what my message to my cousin would look like, what do you think?

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Honestly, I'm still on the fence about going through with it. I would still prefer to tell her in person next year but this is the second option. I have written out a draft on a Microsoft Word app on my phone. Here's what I have so far, may or may not be the final version. I don't want to try and go on for too long lol :huh:

Hey (her name), I completely understand if what I'm about to say makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable but I can't suppress how I feel about you for any longer. I have felt conflicted on whether this is the correct decision but I have been bottling up these emotions since the Greece holiday five years ago now and it would be a substantial weight off my mind. I'm aware you're with someone and I feel guilty that I am coming out with this now but I know nothing will or should happen between us. I didn't plan on developing feelings for you but that is something I will not apologize for. You're kind, intellectual, make others laugh and you are the most beautiful girl I have ever known. Inside and out. Spending time with you makes me feel so happy and admittedly, well this is going to sound like a major cliche but you give me butterflies. Making you laugh and smile is such an amazing feeling. You're on my mind the majority of the time and maybe confiding how I feel about you will put my mind at ease.

I hope we can remain good friends despite this admission and I completely respect it if you want some time and space after reading this. I don't believe it's wrong I have these feelings for you although at first I believed I was picking up a one way ticket straight to hell. I know now that was foolish and that I have been held back by fear for such a long time. We are all human at the end of the day and I'm sincerely sorry if this message upsets you but I can't be sorry for expressing these feelings. I wouldn't let my feelings for you become an issue in the future. I don't know how you feel about me but I needed to tell you how I felt regardless. But what I really wanted to say without babbling on for any longer is that I love you. With all my heart.

Thoughts?

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hmmm.... 'you're kind, intellectual, make others laugh...' sounds so formal! how about 'you're thoughtful and smart and funny and drop dead gorgeous'? the one thing i would suggest leaving out is the whole 'i know nothing will ever or should ever happen' bit. one never knows what can happen, and saying it like that gives so much finality to it that she may be afraid to ever pursue anything if she decides she wants to.

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Tom182,

Feel free to make the changes LadyC has recommended, save them to that file, then save the file, and for the time being DON'T send it. If she's with someone else, you stay aware of her relationship status FROM A DISTANCE. If she gets out of the relationship, get in contact, and if things go well enough, THEN send it.

I know it's eating you up holding it inside. But, if she's happily with someone, you're risking coming off as creeping on her, and her having a major freak-out on you. Even if she's NOT in the happiest of relationships, all of this needs to be done face to face. It also needs to be done when she is fully available, or at the very least obviously unhappy enough in the relationship to be a the point of walking away from it. In the meanwhile, put this on the back shelf, and get out, see the sights, and get yourself distracted. Maybe start working out, take a night class, go hiking regularly, SOMETHING to distract you.

Consider if you were in a relationship, may (or worse, may not) have similar feelings, and SHE sent something like that to you. At the very least it would be confusing. Consider if you had a GF, and some cat (cousin or not) sent something like that, and you saw it on her phone. You'd be wanting to know what the hell was going on. Would you believe her if she told you "Nothing. I don't know where this is coming from out of him. We're only friends/cousins." If you're like most men, you'd say "Yeah, SURE" and it would start a big ole bunch of crap she doesn't need. I seriously doubt she'd EVER be in any sort of mood to discuss it with you face to face either. These things are all about timing. So long as she's attached, no matter how loosely, it isn't the time. As I said, stay aware of her relationship status, and if it should change, THEN the time is more conducive. And, I would first start out with the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin,..." line, then if the response was favorable enough, go into all the rest of it. I just don't see how texts or any other social media outlet can be anything other than shooting yourself in the foot unless the circumstances are just damn near perfect for it.

I'm going to link this over to MrClassified007 in his thread too, as he's in quite a similar situation, and I'm a lazy old fart and don't want to type it again.  :laugh:

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I agree with both LadyC and Hawk. This is a nice letter but I think it needs to include something simple like..."if you were not my cousin" and let her go from there. maybe just stick with those adjectives and see what she says. I know I myself tend to write a lot and find when I do.... even if it's explaining how I feel ...I may not even get a response back.

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I agree with Hawk. Telling her via text or social media is not the best idea... If she becomes available, then tell her you love her in person. Reading a text message can cheapen what you're saying and can never replace your voice, being able to look her in the eyes, and also being able to judge how she reacts to it.

It may seem scary to tell her in person, but there are way more risks telling her through a text message.

If I were you, and you got the opportunity one day, I would start with the bit about "if you weren't my cousin...." like Hawk and Kylie123 said.

But my advice is 1. Wait until she is available AND the time seems right,

And 2. Tell her in person.

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Thanks for the feedback everyone! Will make amendments that you have noted. Looking back LadyC, you're right about taking out that one line. I wasn't completely sure about it and I even make myself look a hypocrite later by saying I'm not sure how you feel about me. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want anything to happen. I'm going to edit the message but just use it as a guide to what I want to say to her face to face.

Excellent advice Hawk, I will try and distract myself for the time being as you said. I've always wanted to do it face to face as I too feel a text message is a shoot yourself in the foot situation. I'll keep it stored just in case. She's quite attractive but her relationships don't seem to last long for some reason. Maybe wishful thinking on my part. I think it's down to her focusing more on her academics. Then again, she could be with this guy this time next year lol. Wish I told her earlier this year now =/

For what it's worth, I have the right time and place in mind. But it hinges on whether she is avaliable or not at that moment. Would it still be really bad telling her in person if she was in a relationship? I'm assuming yes? :P

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i was on the fence about whether to tell you not to send it. sometimes just writing it can be very therapeutic. i've done that at times in my life and have always been glad later that i didn't send what i wrote. so i have to agree with hawk... although there's that part of me that always wanted to send mine and couldn't bring myself to say not to send yours!

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So I just looked into her Facebook for the first time and turns out she is quite discreet on there and nowhere near as active as I thought she might be. Anyway, she must have chosen to hide her relationship status as it's not listed so how the hell am I going to know :huh:

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I don't know if I have the willpower to keep this to myself for any longer let alone wait for the right time. It's so tempting to just send the message and get it over with. There's a strong chance she might not be able to travel this year due to uni commitments and I'm not waiting until next year if that turns out to be the case. The only time and place I can tell her where it would be only us two is when we are on holiday so I really hope she can make it =/

I won't have any clear idea if she is still in a relationship by then but maybe I can just jokingly bring it up in a conversation and find out. I'm going to tell her regardless. She'll understand considering I've bottled it up for five years but it's always been there. I don't even know how I managed to not say anything for five years. Cowardice on my part. 2016 is the leap of faith.

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I'm going to tell my mum about it today. Well, she'll probably end up telling my dad as well. I think they will be understanding of the situation. I know others have gone through this so it makes me feel better coming out with it.

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Hawk gave you the best advice on the situation. I agree with him 100%.

Looks like you need to go back and read it again and again.

Sounds to me like you are only thinking of yourself and having to divulge

your feelings becauses it is weighing on you.  Don't you think she deserves to

hear it  in person?  And if there is a chance she is still in a relationship this needs to

be kept COMPLETELY to yourself. I wouldn't want someone I was in a relationship

with to receive something like that. Regardless if it was a good relationship or not.

I don't think it is a good idea to be telling your mom

at this time either.  But all this is just my opinion and I am not in your shoes.

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I won't send the message, don't worry. Using it more of a template on what to say. I know it would be better telling her in person albeit more daunting but I'm going to have to man up sometime. Yeah, I admit maybe I am being selfish but I'm only human. I just need to distract myself that's all. Not told my parents yet and will just have to wait and see if she is still in a relationship by then. My parents would probably laugh at me if I told them by the way. Telling them wouldn't have any serious consequences.

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hmmm.... 'you're kind, intellectual, make others laugh...' sounds so formal! how about 'you're thoughtful and smart and funny and drop dead gorgeous'? the one thing i would suggest leaving out is the whole 'i know nothing will ever or should ever happen' bit. one never knows what can happen, and saying it like that gives so much finality to it that she may be afraid to ever pursue anything if she decides she wants to.

I completely agree ... You should leave that out .. Why would you even say that if you don't believe it's wrong? And yes it gives it finality . Good advice

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Tom182,

You're smart in not sending it, I'm telling you. It may be more daunting, and you will have to man up, but face to face when the time is right is, IMHO, the ONLY way to do it. You may be being selfish, but yes, we are all only human, and we get impatient. Believe me when I tell you you DO need a distraction. Until such time as there would be the possibility of a relationship, it's none of your parent's business. Even if they wouldn't care, why have them laugh you off over it??? Bide your time. I don't recall how old you are, but I'm going to go back and look. My intention is to make a point.

Ok, you're 23. When I was 20, my same age (second) cousin and I were together, albeit briefly. Before this, we were close. We were, and still are favorite/best cousins. We are damn near the same age, born a week apart on each other's due date. We'd met, OK? So, 32 years ago next month, we partied it up like rock stars for a couple weeks, and took our love and affection (that had been a mutual given, since we were kids) to a whole nuther (ultimate) level. We'd never had the "Aww, I love you this much" talk. We had it by instinct. One thing just led to another, in very short order. It was so intense, so fast, that she freaked out. I would be lying if I didn't say it didn't freak me out a little. But, I didn't care what ANYBODY would have said about it. It felt so right and so deep, I would have taken us to the ends of the Earth to escape any drama, had she been willing. Had I made it that clear, maybe she would have, but, I didn't make it clear enough, because I didn't want to push her. So, we walked away from it, and the whole thing was so awkward it damn near ruined our underlying relationship. It didn't, but our feelings had to be put WAY WAY WAY down low. To the point that we avoided being alone with each other afterwards. Probably for good reason. Now, we've aired it all out and we're good with it. When I first got here, I was married, she still has her long time BF. We have no stomach for cheating. I now have a very good GF. When I went through the divorce, I'm sure, if I had chosen to do so, I could have pushed her to break up with her BF, and come with me. The family would have openly thanked me for it. (I thought about it, for about 10 minutes, since I'd been accused of it a couple times anyhow, but thought better of it, and her.) But, THAT IS NOT MY PLACE. Her relationship is her deal. The difference is, we know how we feel about each other. And we STILL, WILL NOT cheat. I have no doubt, if I called her up right now, and told her I needed her, and I needed to see her, and I was on my way, she would give me an address, and (I think it's about 3 hours away) her door would be unlocked when I got there. And, unless her BF was there, (which he probably isn't) I could curl right up in the bed with her, and nothing would happen. But, If I really wanted to be a cad, I could probably push the issue, and heat things up. But guess what? In the morning, when we woke up, and the reality of what we had done sat in, it would be another 30 years of avoidance, and this time, for a very good reason. How could she look in my eyes knowing she had cheated? How could I look in her eyes knowing I'd talked her into it? You think telling her face to face when she's finally available is daunting, try going about it wrong. If you absolutely cannot have any other relationship than with her, then you wait. If you aren't willing to wait, then I suggest you look elsewhere, because she deserves better than to be put in a situation.

Having openly told you all of this, I want you to know, I've stuck around here to advise members and guests 10 years or so younger than you to put their feelings on the back burner, and bide their time. They have all the time in the world, and I'm telling you, so do you. If she's worth it, you'll wait. If you don't, you'll screw it up, and never have a chance with her anyhow. In the meantime, I suggest you get out and see the sites. Hell, date some. It doesn't have to be too serious. Go out to eat, catch a movie, find a girl friend. It doesn't have to be a girlfriend. Just because you make up your mind to wait on her doesn't mean you have to do it in the basement. You never know, you may find someone who distracts you from thinking about your cousin. I know that no matter how I may feel about my cousin, if we were together, I don't see any way it could be any better than it is with the girl I'm with now. With a little work, it might could be AS good, because Cuz IS a good woman. But, I'm not sure how it could actually be better. Right now, I'm tellin' ya kids, this old goat is livin' the life o Riley. I'll tell you right now, there IS someone out there for you. It may be your cousin, in which case you wait. But it may not be her either, and if you set around pining too long, you could just miss out.... 

I always say these things are about timing. Me and mine had our moment, and the timing was never right after that, and never will be now. Timing as in face time, when the timing is right and she doesn't have a SO. Timing in the conversation, when it turns to an appropriate time to at least drop the old "If you weren't my cousin" shtick. The timing has to be right, and with the situation being what it is, now ain't the time. 

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Hawk,

I appreciate your advice as always and your past experiences and have completely taken onboard all that you have said. This HAS to be done face to face. Anything else will not suffice and ultimately I would be shooting myself in the foot if I were to send that message now. It would not be fair on her most of all and I realize that. I am 24 now and yes, I am aware I need a distraction so I'm going to make more of an effort to get out there this year. Take up a new hobby, start going to the gym more on a regular basis, etc etc. I will bide my time until later in the year and if we do end up seeing each other, I will make a judgement call right there and then if confiding my feelings to her is the correct decision. I will keep this thread updated as the advice and feedback is always welcome. Only one close friend knows so it's refreshing to have another outlet to talk about this.

She is more than worth it believe me but that is not to say I will not live my own life. It's just sometimes when you love someone a great deal, you become blind to everything else around you. I am not saying I can completely forget about her as that would be a lie but I can't spend the whole of 2016 obsessing over it. When you talk about the awkward situation you found yourself in, that's exactly what I want to avoid. But I can't see how there wouldn't be any awkwardness the following morning if I do tell her but I would hope as we are close, she would understand. It's all just assumptions at this point. Over the years the body language suggests she is into me but it could be just harmless flirting for all I know. The whole cousin stigma isn't as bad in the UK as it is in the states I think but I'm not concerned with being judged. When the time and place is right, I have a feeling I will know and only then it will be the right moment. I'm not so sure about the whole "If you weren't my cousin" line though. I think she has known for a while but obviously neither of us say anything around the family so I wouldn't beat around the bush. I don't think she will need to hear me pour my heart out if it came to it. If I tell her I needed to tell her something in private during the holiday, I'm sure she would already know what is coming. As it stands, that's the only way I can make it just us two. I would probably do it in the evening somewhere just away from the rest of the family for a bit. I'm babbling on now lol, I keep going over in my head what would be the best way IF I tell her. I know for a fact text message is the worst :grin:

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Hey guys, I hope you are all doing well :smiley:

Not sure if this is a post worthy of bumping an old topic (although I did state in the previous post I would update it now and then) but I felt I had to come here to express myself as I have nobody else I can talk to about this personal matter. It turns out due to my uncle struggling to get time off work, work commitments for one cousin and academics commitments regarding the other, it is sadly looking like we will not be going abroad this year as we normally do. This gets me down as we always have a lot of fun, I look forward to it each year and obviously I get to see her :embarrassed: I may see her later on in the year despite this but I won't be able to express my feelings to her like I had previously planned to. More than anything, I just wish I could put it to one side of my mind and forget about it entirely and believe me when I say I have attempted to an awful lot. But keeping myself distracted does not last long. Going off topic, I am currently mad on the critically acclaimed series Homeland (in S3, no spoilers please! :grin:) and I watch a few episodes on my phone via Netflix each night but I always come back to reading the message to her before I go to sleep (which I won't send) on my phone in the Microsoft Word app. I've updated it a fair bit since before by the way. If anyone would like to see it, I can post. This is eating me up inside.

I think about the lucky guy who gets to spend time with her and from what she told me of him, he sounds like someone I would get along really well with. Not a jack the lad character, down to earth and a gamer (or used to be anyway) to boot. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't envious of him. I wish I could be in his shoes and she'll never know this part of me. I have always been a romanticist, hell I even wrote a sonnet for the first girl I fell for (and up to now I thought the only girl I will ever truly love) I easily become infatuated but that's the person I am and it won't be changing anytime soon. I would shout it from the rooftops if I could, I don't care what others would think. I don't know what to do. I was going to tell one of my parents but everytime I chicken out. I feel they might tell her parents or not understand that this isn't just hormones or a fleeting crush (I know I am contradicting myself here :rolleyes:)

Maybe this is just a vent more than anything else. I wish there was someone I could have a heart to heart with. Ideally her. I know I shouldn't given her relationship status. But to quote Billy Joel's So It Goes:

So I would choose to be with you

That's if the choice were mine to make

But you can make decisions too

And you can have this heart to break

Sorry for being so sentimental. I'm having one of those nights :undecided:

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