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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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WM126

My cousin love is stressful

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I have had a crush on my cousin ever since we first met as infants... That sounds really dumb but I can't think about any time where I haven't been attracted to her. So laying down the basics, my cousin and I are both 15 but she's one month older. I'm male and she's female. Now I know since I'm only in my mid teens nobody will care, but I'm posting this anyways. We were both raised together until a few years ago when we've only been seeing each other maybe 4-5 times each year as opposed to frequently each month.

Now I'm really not sure how to organize this information at this point due to it being so much, so sorry if it gets confusing.

My main cousin - let's call her "Mary" - has a sister and brother. I'm extremely close to her brother (19), us both being guys of course, and her sister (16-17) jokes about me being her boyfriend whenever both of our families go to events together. One time Mary even joked about it too and both of them grabbed each of my arms tightly.

Now for the past year or maybe two, Mary and I have been becoming more distant from each other. Maybe because of puberty? I just have no confidence talking to her whatsoever. We pretty much never talk or look to each other whenever we see each other unless we're alone for more than a few minutes. But finally during thanksgiving a while back, we finally talked for more than a few moments. It was fun, I made her smile but the whole time I was thinking about her beauty. During our talk, she wanted to know more about my "girlfriend" who was just my friend. Instead of describing my friend however, I described Mary to herself like a cliche movie would do. Only because my aunt (my mother's sister/Mary's mother) had bragged about Mary's new boyfriend, yet described my personality. It was almost like she was trying to make me jealous? Still confused. At one point, my aunt even randomly said Mary and I would make a cute couple and I noticed Mary looked away as if she was blushing or something. This really confused me to the point where I couldn't sleep. I have no clue if my cousin likes me back and my aunt was teasing her or if my aunt knows about my crush somehow and was teasing me. Earlier today - or yesterday I guess - on New Year's Eve of 2015, Mary and I saw each other for an hour, but never spoke a word to one another. I glanced at her a few times and noticed she was glancing back or looking the opposite way. I really don't enjoy being silent to her, but usually every time I see her, I can barely breathe which sounds cliche again but whatever. I'm sure most of these facts felt unnecessary so I apologize.

In conclusion, I've felt in love with my cousin all my life but now it's really getting to me. Can anybody give some insight of any kind? I'm supposedly spending spring break with her alone for some reason, so I was thinking of either telling her how I feel then, asking her about any feelings from her without revealing mine just in case or just asking to spend more time together? Any other suggestions or comments are welcome because I have no clue what to do about her.

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WM126,

Well, first off, do a little reading around here, and see if you can find what we call my "broken record speech" to young members. If you can't, get back with me, and I'll pm you a rather windy version I need to polish up a bit, and see if we can make a sticky out of it. I (hopefully) am laid off for at least a few more weeks, and will try to find the time to do so.

Next, you are wrong. Just because you are in your mid-teens does not mean nobody cares. I'm an old fart, in my 50's now, but I've not killed so many brain cells that I don't remember 15. I got in here to advise a young member a couple years older than you at the time. Then, once I was here, I was amazed at how many young members there were in some variation of a similar situation. So, from a perspective of what NOT to do, I've stuck around to try to guide our young members, and by extension, lurkers, as to how to proceed.

I'll not bore you with too many specifics of the broken record speech, but the basics are: Focus on your education, put it all on the back burner and the down low for the time being, build the friendship, get smart and get out on your own, then, when your ready, go for it.

In the meanwhile, and as a part of building the friendship, when the moment seems right, (sometime during this spring break thing?) test the waters with what we call the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin, .... " line. You two are certainly old enough to test the waters with this innocuous little ice-breaker. If she says something to the effect of "Yeah, sux don't it? You're pretty much my type" or something like that, you know you can ease the conversation a little further. If, on the other hand she say "Ewww, what are you talking about, we're cousins", you have the out of saying "I said IF, you know, IF we WEREN'T cousins..." and then DROP IT. The ball will be in her court, and it gives her food for thought. And, trust me, think about it she will. It may take 5 years, (and I personally, from personal experience would like to see it take even a little longer than that) but she would not be the first one to come back at some point in the future, and say "You know, I was thinking about that 'if we weren't cousins thing, and ...." The thing you have to keep in mind is, going forward, timing will be everything. If you find out she feels the same, it isn't out of the question to kiss the girl. BUT, at your age, do keep the hormones in check. Even though you are in the unique situation of having at least her Mom not so subtly nudging you two together, if you get too carried away with some neeked shenanigans, and get caught in some sort of compromising position, all of that will go away. For the time being, and at your age, I'll not say NO physical, but you'll do well indeed to keep it under control at the very least until you two are of age. I personally would encourage you to stay close, get closer, but keep it in check until somewhere closer to 20ish, or my personal preference of 22ish or so. By then, you should know where your going with your lives, and if there's a little history, and it's went well, with no drama, it's a LOT easier to proceed. Plus, you've got a GF, she's got a BF, and that's all fine and good for now. Do a little dating as you go. You're learning the ropes of how to deal with the opposite sex. And you have some learning to do yet at your age, believe me. 

And, since I'm throwing cold water on you, let me toss on a good cold shower. You didn't mention where you are, so DON'T. But, as a mod, I can have a little peek. YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HER WHERE YOU ARE. That, provided my look-up is right. You say you were raised together until a few years ago, and now you don't see her so much. By that, I'm assuming they moved. If they are in the same State, then you don't want any shenanigans at hers if you're there either. If they moved out of state, then go to this page: https://www.cousincouples.com/?page=states , look up which State she's in, and see what your legal drama there may be. If it shows as a green color, it's not an issue. If it's anything else, the legalities are going to vary. Stay anonymous, and don't say where you are, or where she is, but do consider this going forward. If you are in the State I'm showing you in, you can find yourself in quite the legal pickle if you get caught in an uncompromising position. I don't want to discourage you from any of the advice I've given you, not in any way. Just another reason to keep your pants on, LOL. I just want you to know, that if things do go good, and at some point you two DO become an item, it will be somewhere else. All the more important to get an education or learn a skill/trade that will allow you to be able to go elsewhere for work. If you're now even MORE confused, feel free to PM me, and we'll privately go into a few more of the "intricacies" of your situation. You're in nowhere near the worst position we've seen, but, if things go well, you will be needing further guidance at some point. That's why we're here. Take advantage of this place. For now, I've got a little more time to kill than usual, and I check in a few times a day. I'll be glad to help you any way I can. 

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