• Announcements

    • KC

      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

      Be informed on better ways to stay safe on the web -- Source: Mozilla
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
geek93

Madly in love with my second cousin and don't know what to do . Please help!

This topic has had no activity within the past six months. It is recommended that you start a new topic instead of replying to old topics.

15 posts in this topic

Hi everyone ! I'm new here so I'm gonna give a short introduction.I'm 22 years old and I live in India . I will go straight to the point . Yesterday I happened to visit my second cousin's home and I stayed there for 2 days . My uncle had two daughters . I'm in love with the eldest event though I don't think she knows how I feel about her. When I go to her place and get the chance to be with her it feels like she fills a huge crater in my heart . She is 4 years younger than me . Not being able to be with her and more importantly not being able to tell her how I feel for her kills me every single day . I know my love for her is pure because I have always felt the same way for her for as long as I have known her. I love her unconditionally . I'm confused,sad with not a single person to talk to about it so that he/she can advice me regarding this . I have come here with the hope that people who are elder and more experienced in this can suggest me regarding this . Expecting a reply soon.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

geek93,

If she's the daughter of your uncle, then she is your first cousin. If this uncle is actually your great-uncle, then she is your first cousin once removed.

In India, it depends on what your religion is, and where you are as to where you go with this. If this uncle is your mother's brother, and you are in the South of India, (and don't ask me where the line is, you know better than I do) and you are Hindu, so far as I can tell, it is legal. If however, he is your father's brother, and you are Hindu, it doesn't matter where you are in India, it isn't allowed. (Same with mother's sister's daughter= parallel cousins) However, if you are Christian or Muslim, none of that matters, and first cousins on out are legal.

I'm going to link you to a thread I locked. Once you read it, you will see why I locked it. I'm not saying you would want what was asked, that caused it to be locked. But, it has the advice that has become the general consensus of the mods and admins here. Read it carefully.

If by chance you have done the math correctly, and she is actually your second cousin, SO FAR AS WE KNOW, it is legal everywhere in India. But that does not mean you won't face some of the stupidest drama you've ever seen. At the first hint of such BS, see my advice in this thread.....

https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,7972.0.html

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk[/member]: thank a lot for your suggestion and being a lantern in the dark. I really needed some advice from an elder regarding this . And thank you for being one.  He is not my real uncle because me and my cousin don't share a grandparent. My father and her father are not from the same parent. But my grandfather and her grandfather were brothers. So we share a great grandparent. Am i right?

I am not gonna at impulsively regarding this . Because chances are I'm gonna lose her if I do . Not because she would reject me but because of her parents . But sometimes this love for her feels strange in a good way in the sense that I never realized I could fall so hard for her .

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

am i understanding this right? you just met her and spent two days in her proximity? if that is the case, then geek, you need to slow down and take a breath. this could grow into love, but right now it is an infatuation that is bordering on obsession. love takes time to grow. there is no such thing as "love" at first sight... there can be instant attraction that continues to grow, but it is that continued growth that makes love. and that takes time.

but yes, you're second cousins if you share a great-grandparent.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LadyC[/member]: Thank you for the reply . What you said is absolutely true . I don't believe in love at first sight either . But I think I didn't make myself clear . :) Let me give you a simple explanation. I have loved her since I was in 10th grade . But we grew together like siblings . So I tried to push my feelings away thinking them as wrong . I also had 2 girlfriends in between . I tried to hide and suppress my feelings by reducing contact with her with me ultimately realizing that I do love her . Since I study far away from home  I do give her a visit for a day or two when I have vacation . My recent visit intensified my feelings for her . But not being able to tell her how I feel about her is just a heart ache for me every single day . But I know this is gonna be tough love and I have to think and act rationally . Being impulsive would just destroy whatever we have . If you can advice me regarding how should I proceed I will be a lot relieved . 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

geek93,

It's hard to beat what we call the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin, ...." line to find out how she feels about you. She may feel the same, and say something like "Yeah, I know what you mean, it sux that we're cousins." If she does, you know she feels at least somewhat the same, and you can slowly take the conversation further. If she freaks out and says "Eww, no way, we're cousins", you have the out of saying "Yeah, I said IF. IF we WEREN'T cousins", then you drop it, and act like nothing ever happened. It gives her something to think about, and she certainly wouldn't be the first to come back at some later date and say "You know, I got thinking about that "if we weren't cousins thing, and ...."

Anyhow, if you do go there, do it quietly, face to face, when the two of you have some alone time, and are enjoying each others' company. You'll know when. It will just feel like the time to say it. But, do yourself a favor, and don't let family hear it. Even though so far as we know, second cousins are legal in India, that doesn't mean that family wouldn't still have a major meltdown. Unless and until you are both on the same page with it, that's drama you don't need. If you two do find out you feel the same way, go back and read my advice in that thread if the drama is bad....

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LadyC[/member]: Thank you for the reply . What you said is absolutely true . I don't believe in love at first sight either . But I think I didn't make myself clear . :) Let me give you a simple explanation. I have loved her since I was in 10th grade . But we grew together like siblings . So I tried to push my feelings away thinking them as wrong . I also had 2 girlfriends in between . I tried to hide and suppress my feelings by reducing contact with her with me ultimately realizing that I do love her . Since I study far away from home  I do give her a visit for a day or two when I have vacation . My recent visit intensified my feelings for her . But not being able to tell her how I feel about her is just a heart ache for me every single day . But I know this is gonna be tough love and I have to think and act rationally . Being impulsive would just destroy whatever we have . If you can advice me regarding how should I proceed I will be a lot relieved . 

gotcha! sorry, i thought you'd met her for the first time on this visit! totally my mistake. and i have to just echo hawk's sentiments here. face to face is always best, and leading in with the 'if you weren't my cousin' line is tried and true!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk[/member]: I am gonna take it slow like you suggested . I'm quite aware of the drama that awaits me if her family gets to know my feelings about her . I know this is gonna be tough love . But I know with patience I will be able to be with her .

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LadyC[/member]: I know letting her family know about my feelings will stir up a hornet's nest . And I know a lot of drama awaits me if it does happen . How would you suggest I carry on this relationship forward without letting anyone know ?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

LadyC[/member]: I know letting her family know about my feelings will stir up a hornet's nest . And I know a lot of drama awaits me if it does happen . How would you suggest I carry on this relationship forward without letting anyone know ?

Sometimes it's not good to keep secrets from family, especially intermediate family. Don't tell them straight away, but eventually maybe but in a gentle way!

Hope your cousin feels the same way you do :smiley:

nessa76

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

nessa76,

True, but in India, with the general attitude on the subject, I personally advise everyone from there to keep it on the WAY down low. At least until you find out that you are both on the same page and feel strongly enough to face it, and then to do what you must to make a life together. 

The culture there is considerably different than what we are use to in the West. With, (again, so far as we can tell) second cousins being legal, they could always just go get a marriage license, get married, and let the poo hit the fan. Once they are legally married, the family can freak out all they want to, but there isn't a whole lot they can do about it. As far as first cousins there go, I ALWAYS recommend for them to quietly prepare to move somewhere else, where their marriage would be legal. These preparations have to be done quietly too. We had a case of a couple that (IIRC) were cross first cousins, were in the South of India, where it is allowed, they got married legally, then when they went to the family and announced it, they were promptly separated, and the wife was locked in her parents' house, and was not allowed any contact with her lawful husband. I think you can probably guess how I would handle that situation, but if not, let's just say it would involve a very bad attitude and a baseball bat. Of course, that's India as well. Here in the West, we just call the popo, let them know she is being held against her will, and he is being threatened with bodily harm, and somebody goes to jail. That may or may not be an option in India. I'm not sure how involved the Indian authorities would be willing to get in domestic situations where the actions were based on the existing cultural standards of the family pretty much owning the children for life. Or, THINKING they do at any rate.

All of this is a little far out in front of geek93 also. So far as he has said, he has no indication of whether or not she shares any similar feelings. He has to determine this first. If she does, he has to keep her from being scared or intimidated. No small feat. But, if the feelings are mutual, they agree that they want to be together, then they have to build the friendship to where they are unshakable. That needs to be done very discretely. If all of that goes as planned, then they do what they have to, to follow through. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk[/member] : You're absolutely right.  Though telling our families about our relationship (if she says she has feelings for me too)  would lead to a lot of drama that we are not prepared for even though its the most honest thing to do.  But I suspect the feelings are there for me.  I just have to bring them to surface.

Hawk, I've been thinking about that way you and LadyC suggested of telling her about my feelings. I'm thinking of telling her how much I missed her when I was far away from her and how much I wanted to be with her. If you were me and you were gonna tell her how you feel for her in the most gentlest way how would you approach? It would really if you give me some pointers. I have a lot to say to her but I have the habit of revealing too much way too soon and I'm afraid I won't be able to control my emotions as they come rushing likes waves over me the next time I see her.  I have given a lot of thought and spent a lot of time alone introspecting my feelings for her and I have come to the conclusion that they are in fact true. I know  love takes time to grow and she is worth the wait. Can you give me some suggestions?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

geek93,

It would be perfectly fine to tell her how much you've missed her, and want to be with her, then segue that right into what we call the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin, _______" line. You know, "If you weren't my cousin, I would want you to be my GF." Something like that, that fits the moment. It gives her the chance to say "Yeah, I know, I feel the same way" or "EWW, what are you talking about, we're cousins." Then, it gives you the option of stepping up the conversation if she does feel the same ("Actually, we're second cousins, and it would be legal to get married if we wanted to, so, you can be my GF if you want to" OR, the option to gracefully back out if she doesn't, by saying " I did say IF, you know, IF we weren't cousins...." Then, you have still given her something to think about, and you should not be surprised if at some later date, she comes back and says something like "You know geeky, I've been thinking about this 'if you weren't my cousin' thing, and I think _______ ." But, until that happens, you drop it, if she's negative about it. You will have given her something to think about, let her do so without pressure from you.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk[/member] : Here is a simple speech I've prepared that I am gonna speak in front of her the next time I meet her. Its not exactly a speech but rather things that I wanted to express in front of her for such a long time .

--------------------------------

Can I confess something ? You know I've missed you a lot when I was away from you . And not a single day has passed that you weren't in my head . The moment I reached my university all I wanted to do is come back and be with you . If this was a perfect i'd be with you each moment . The last time I had to say goodbye to you when I boarded my train was much worse than the worst heartbreak knowing I won't be seeing you for many months to come . And you are the only person in my world that I don't want to say goodbye to . But this doesn't matter as I'm here with you now , right at this moment . You've known me for such a long time . And we've known each other quite well for some time now . I hope you don'y misunderstand me when I say that , I'm the most luckiest guy in the world to have you in my life . And if you weren't my cousin , you'd be the girl I'd love to spend the rest of my days with. Because when I'm with you , you mean the whole world to me because you are my whole world . And that's all I wanted to tell you .

-------------------------------

These are the lines I've prepared and trust me I mean each of them . Do you think I need to add or deduce something ? LadyC[/member]: I'd be glad if you can suggest me something too .

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

geek, i think it sounds lovely and romantic!

but i think unless you're certain she's going to be deliriously happy at your declaration of love, you might ought to start out with the "if we weren't cousins" line.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0