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love Help! I posted Aug 31; a girl in love with my 1st cousin & got no replies ;(

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Hi Guys- I posted on Aug 31 - A girl in love with my 1st cousin who happens to be a girl- I've got a ton of views, no replies. I really need some type of advice so I can either move on or try again. 

My name is Jen & I have nowhere else to turn, I've left some advice on other blogs but I' haven't really got any real direction. I?m hoping by the time I get some advice I?ll be in a better place and hopefully over this whole ordeal or back with her. I want to get this off my chest because my heart is in two.

I look back and have realized that I've always had a attraction for Bren. I can remember seeing pictures of her and thinking how beautiful she was. I remember seeing one picture thinking to myself; whoever gets her is the luckiest person ever. I hope it could be me. At the time, the idea of being gay wasn't really me, I just thought of her as really beautiful. That was years ago....Now I have pretty much come to terms that I?m gay.  Bren and I ended up together and shared a closet relationship together. Bren is my  (first) cousin and we were in a relationship for the past 2.5-3yrs. Most of my family knows about my sexuality, and some know about this ?closet relationship?. I?m 30 and she?s 25 and It?s been a very passionate and intimate relationship; both serving as each other?s 1st girl relationship. We would make the time to see each other as often as we could and we would do practically everything together. However, because of the distance, (CA-AZ) we weren?t together all time but we still would make it appoint to keep the relationship close (i.e. text all the time, talk on the phone, IM, etc.) we both told each other I love you, and made it exclusive that either of us weren?t seeing anyone else.

In the middle of last year I got a little more comfortable with my sexuality and began to realize that the idea of being in a relationship with my cousin is probably not the best idea; I mean, how could this ever work? What will our parents say?? Our family will probably not accept us. This is wrong and we should probably stop. I was pretty indirect with her and sought some innocent attention from other girls. Come to find out, it was nothing but senseless games and wasted time. While leaving my cousin on the back burner, I sorta pushed myself away from her.

After all of that I realized that I was still in love with her. On a recent trip out to CA, I found out that she?s sorta moved on with another girl,?.a girl who?s married and has a child and is apparently getting a divorce. I tried talking to her while I was there. I apologized like crazy for letting her go, I cried, but she didn?t give me a whole lot of closure besides telling me ?I thought you were over me?. I asked her if she was over me, she said no, but now I?m with someone and it?s all messed up. From what I can tell, this girl is a split image of me; I met her and she kinda is... from what Bren has told me- she reminds me so much of you. Even while I was there, I met her and she told me the same thing- Bren says that I remind her  so much of you!  I?m so glad I do 

Come to find out, the married girl broke things off with her back in July. At the time she was pretty down about it; and I was trying real hard to stay in touch with her, trying to help her keep her mind off of what?s happening. I?ve offered advice to her, but she?s told me that she flat out- she?s too hard-headed & doesn?t really want to hear it at the moment. I was trying to fix things, but I was not going to continue to even try to be there when she doesn?t really acknowledge fixing things with me. She was too occupied with hurt over this married girl.

So at the beginning of August I called her and told her that I hadn't been honest with her, and i had been hiding my feelings for her; I was still deeply and head-over-heels  in love with her and I that I know it sounds crazy but we can fight for this and for us. If our love was that strong, we can get through anything; including coming out to our families. We could be together and support each other and really get through this. Unfortunately at the time, she said she was still trying to get over this married girl and that she doesn't feel the same for me anymore and being in a relationship with me as her cousin is not really right. I thanked her for her honesty and told her that I would still grieve the loss of her and we hung up.

The actual truth is that she got back with the married girl and they are together. Last week I went out for a wedding that had been planned for some time. I'm a photographer and was asked to take pictures. My cousin showed up, with her married girlfriend. Thank God I was there to do a job, I talked with her maybe a total of one minute. It was very awkward being there and around them both so kept my eye in my viewfinder and kept snapping pictures. She send me a text apologizing to me for taking her married girlfriend and that she's sorry that she hurt me. I had this very long text message in response to hers, but I fought every tear and angry emotion I had to not send her my response. Unfortunately, my emotions got the best of me and I told her I how hurt I was over everything in a not-so-nice way, I told her that I know she's ashamed of having a relationship with me because we are cousins. I told her to basically don't respond me. That's not what I truly meant; I was caught up in anger...these feelings I have are so intense that I truly don't know how to deal with them. I push them away and try to move on, but I can't.

I feel like what we had was soo ridiculously special; I know that she does still care. I see the and remember the way that she would look at me. She loved me, I know she did and still does. I don?t know if she's just not bing honest with herself or not and is not acknowledging her  feelings for me...I don't care what people will think and say, I know that there are people like me that struggle with the same issues, and fight against the same things that society tells us about being romantically involved and I'm ready to do that. I know we'll have battles coming out to our families and I don't care. I just want to be with her, I love her soo much I don't care about the past. Even though it hurt me to see her there at the wedding with her married girlfriend, I've forgiven her because I love her that much. I know that she's not on the same level as far as this whole cousin thing, but I know I can help to show her the acceptance that we can gain together.

However, I don't know how much rejection I can take. Or how much time and energy I should put into this whenever she's still in a relationship with a married woman. I don't know if I should wait for this relationship with her married woman fizzle and tell her my feelings again. or if I should just fully move one. Any advice is welcomed.

Sincerely Confused. 

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  • Old Timer

Probably the reason why no one responed to your first post is because it is so long.  I know I tend to zone out of long posts.

Ok, let me see if I understand your story correctly. You were in a relationship with your cuz for neary 3 years, until you decided the relationship (betwixt cousins) wasn't right, so you called an end to the relationship. Your cuz moved on and started another relationship with someone else. And now you want her back, and you're hurting because she is with someone else?

Have you given any thought to how much emotional pain your cousin went through when you pushed her away? You also sent her an angry text message telling not to respond, and then you say you've forgiven her. I think you should be begging her for forgiveness. Looking at this through your cousin's eyes, you've been sending out mixed messages, you're hot and then you're cold and then you're hot again. Your behaviour appears to be very selfish, and you've been treating her like a yo yo.

I think you should invest your time and energy into some introspection and try to learn how to be a stable person with some regard for the feelings of others.

I apologise if this advice offends you, but that's how I read your story.

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She has made her choice.  Let's face it, even for the most stable, secure couples, long distance relationships are HARD.  After you pushed her away, she moved on and that's the end of the story.

Not to sound harsh, but you are a 30 year old woman and are reacting to this breakup like you are 16.  It's time to learn how to deal with rejection, pick yourself up and move on with your life.

And can I add, that it's also time to be more definitive in the way you describe things.  You "sorta pushed her away" and she "sorta moved in" with someone else.  There are no sortas here.  You pushed her away and she moved in with someone else.  Period.

The fact that you re-posted this with the statement .  "got no replies" indicates that you may be pushy with people.  Again, I don't want to sound harsh and I understand that a break up is hard to deal with, but loves lost is a part of life and by the time we are 30 years old, we should have enough fortitude to be hurt for a little while and then get back into the swing of things. 

This site is a great source of information.  Sometimes you can read through old posts and find the answers and encouragement you need.  You should do that.  Many people have written about  the pain of losing someone they love - you might find comfort in what others have said. 

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Honestly what I would do is to just lay out ALL my feelings out there...what I feel, what I'm willing to do for her, the sacrifices I'm willng to make, etc. Lay it all out, give her time to think clearly about it. Don't push her. I'd also stress not to abandon her regardless of her answer...

It seems to me that you wanted to lay out all your feelings (in that giant text you said you were typing) but then you didn't send it. Don't get mad at her...don't play the guilt trip tactic and don't make her feel sorry for you. If she still says no then well...you might be out of luck at the time. Just keep spending time with her, maybe she will change her mind but don't force her to.

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gryan - that's what I'm doing right now. I'm typing up an email and laying it all out there. I do want to be happy and I want her to be happy as well; even if that means she's with someone else. Send me good vibes and prayers. :)

Thank you.

I'd honestly not do that in an e-mail...you just can't express certain emotions well that way, and now is probably where you want to make it count.

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Do you think your cousin is the one for you? If so, what made you realize it?

My cousin left me for his ex and I immediately thought that he didn't really care about me, he was just using me because he was lonely. I know he had to have cared about me but obviously he cared more about his ex than me. I'm pretty sure they broke up again because I saw that they aren't friends on fb and the last time that happened they had broken up and then that's when we got involved. But it only ended in heartbreak for me. It was like it was so easy for him to leave me for her. When he text me the other day I was filled with so much mixed emotions. Anger, sadness, a little bit of excitement (because I knew he was at least thinking of me). But if he only text me because of the fact that they aren't together anymore it just makes me even more angry and sad because it really does seem like he's just falling back on me again. I wanted to be his first choice... I wanted him to choose me over her but he didn't. He told me he was scared of getting hurt but I would have NEVER hurt him but yet he still chose her and in the end she hurt him (I'm pretty sure she's the one who broke up with him because she always does). I want to text him back but I just can't bring myself to do it because I don't think I can ever trust him after everything he's put me through and because I'm so scared that the same thing is going to happen again. They're gonna get back together and he's just gonna throw me to the side again and then for a third time I'm going to get hurt by him. I honestly don't know what to do... do I listen to my head or follow my heart?

Of course I still care about him. No matter what I will always care for him because he was my first love. I felt so happy and comfortable with him and I thought things were finally looking up for me but then he went and crushed my heart over a month ago. I don't know if I should just text back but tell him that we should just talk as cousins until I can gain back his trust or if I should just completely shut him out of my life? I'm so torn right now  :undecided:

I'm sorry that i'm writing my personal stuff on your post but I thought since you were in a somewhat similar situation that you could give me some more advice.

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Jen, please don't take offence at what I'm saying. What you've written appears to indicate that you have some traits of borderline personality disorder. You've not given enough information for anyone to be able so say whether or not you have BPD, but you show signs of it. Your previous confusion about your sexual orientation and feelings for someone, as well as pushing away someone you love then feeling distress and regret at having done so, and jealousy about her new partner, is typical for a borderline. You're in a great deal of distress and you seem to feel lost, lonely and empty without your cousin. One of the replies to your post says that you seem to have the immaturity of a 16 year old. It is typical for a thirty year old borderline to be psychologically more emotional and confused than an average teenager. Borderlines hate being alone (which appears to be the case for you) and are habitually very impulsive. You've not indicated whether or not you're impulsive, but if you are, it is likely you have BPD and I would advise you see a doctor about it. As well as being a very serious condition, the vast majority of borderlines also have other mental disorders, and treatment is imperative. If my perception of you is wrong, I will be happy to be corrected.

You also need to understand the situation from your cousin's point of view. She probably felt hurt at being rejected by you, thought things were over between you, and it is understandable that she found another girl. 

Hope, if you post more details about your cousin in a separate thread, people will be able to find it and advise you. He doesn't seem to know whether he wants you, the other girl, or both. He needs to decide who he wants.

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I don't know how to exactly to start off my reply to yours...but I could appreciate your perspective.

Correction- Bren is a girl. And I am a girl. Yes, I had confusion over my sexuality when I started to acknowledge my attraction towards women. However, I've known that I've been gay since I was younger, I just never acted on my attractions. Now I am out and my family supports my sexuality.

I'm actually quite the opposite of 'hating being alone' I'm very independent, I've never been dependent on anyone. I do enjoy my time alone and I appreciate it. I currently live alone and have done so; 2years after I left high school. I've never had the problem being alone, living alone, or anything. I frequent restaurants and movie theaters by myself. And I just got in from taking pictures of the sunset by myself. Yeah it bums me out at times, but I do not avoid going places or stay in doors purposely because I have no one to go with; I also don't keep myself in a pity party about being alone.

Impulsive- no. I don't hold any reckless or spontaneous behavior; I am very frugal. I don't turn to alcohol or any other substances for my 'sorrows' either. I don't display any real impulse on my attitude.

In a way...I can see how I could display this type of behavior; I do feel very lost and empty. This girl is my best friend and I would do anything for her. Regardless of what has been done. I do love her unconditionally.

(this was also a long-distance relationship) When I backed off the relationship, she also did. I needed her to care; demand more of me and she didn't. There were underlying rules that she had. If I didn't call her, she wouldn't call me. If I didn't text her, she didn't text me. She would 'punish' me for it by remaining distant from me and when I brought it up, she would not want not open up.

I hold a full-time job and and I'm a photographer. During the day it wasn't as easy to call or text her. Also- (this one is really stupid) I had to be the one to say 'I love you' after we got off the phone, if I didn't say it, she wouldn't. I would usually call back telling her I loved her. I guess you can say our fights were really silly, and they were. I would constantly have to remind her that we were in a relationship and that she need to open up to me, it helped but not fully.

Also- naturally I would question; Would this really work?? What about our parents? Our family? There were times I would cry in front of her or I would call her- telling her and asking how this would work? Her assurance was enough to think 'she is the one' and somehow it would work. In fact, she gave me a ring, got on her knee and asked me to marry her one night on the beach. I wore the ring and still have it.

Bren was also reckless, (excessive drinking), she would make it apparent that she was out and getting drunk by calling me, slurring making no sense. When she sobered up, I would ask her what her phone call was all about and if she was upset or if there was anything she wanted to talk about or if it had anything to do with me? she would ignore that there was anything wrong. I would call and text to try to talk about our situation, her response was avoidance.

I do understand that my decision did cause a tremendous amount of pain to my cousin. I do put myself in her shoes. I know I was selfish and I made mistakes. But when I drifted from the relationship, so did she. I wasn't sure about the entire cousin thing and the way society would handle us..and anytime I would tell her about how I was feeling, she always reassured me that we would be together. But when I had walked away I did think of her a lot and the idea of being without her killed me even though I was moving on. I still questioned if I could really be fully happy with someone else all the time. Then I realized how much love I had for her, and I started to realize how much I really wanted to be with her, and it was too late.

All I can believe in- if you love someone, let them go...if they come back to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, they never were.

Sighs, I'm sure you weren't expecting a response like this, but this is all the (in betweens and details) that I neglected to add in because I had no idea where I could place them inside my already-novel entry. But that's pretty much it.

thanks for your comments.

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Jen, thank you for replying and explaining that you certainly don't have BPD, because you're not impulsive or reckless and because you live alone and are happy doing so. In your most recent post you have said more about yourself and demonstrated that you do have the maturity appropriate for your age and that your emotionality is due to your love for Bren and is not due to a mental disorder. You seemed to be very distressed and psychologically empty without her, and fixated on her. You also showed that you were indecisive and that you fell in love with Bren, then pushed her away from you, then you want her back after she's found a new girl. You appeared to take a lot of time to fully accept your homosexuality. Those things are what raised a 'red flag' in my mind. You seem to be doing well in life and your explanation is appreciated. I have a better understanding of you now. I realise that you and Bren are both female, and I didn't suggest otherwise. It's good that you understand yourself and I wish you well. I understand some aspects of your situation, as I am single and am physically attracted to my first cousin whom I would love to have a romance with. Bren's current relationship, as well as the physical distance between you, makes it unlikely you will be able to resume your relationship with Bren. I have experienced unrequited love with several girls, so I know what you are feeling. You will probably find someone else with whom you will share a mutually loving relationship.

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