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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Marla

Our love is impossible

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He has broken up with me twice before. Last time we were together was Jan4 of 2015. But this Christmas break we were in México. We both got drunk. He grabbed me pulled me towards him and kissed me in my forehead. He told me he missed me I told him to stop it was the alcohol talking and he would regret this tomorrow. He said he wasn't going to to regret it. He said he loved me always has that if it wasn't for the family he would have made me his wife a long time ago. I told he was lying. If he would have loved me he wouldn't have put through all the pain of seeing and not being able to touch him. He said he suffered too. He got jealous when I would dance with other men. I asked to forget the others and do whatever makes him happy. He said he couldn't be selfish. It was just not him. I asked to leave me alone then to stop playing with my feelings  and let me be. But he wants me to keep talking to him. I said no I can't do that. He asked for time to think what he was going to do we agreed on a week. That night we made love and it was amazing. But last night I realized I can't be with him because I live in constant fear that he will change his mind like he has done in the past. I told him I couldn't be with someone who wants to be with me one day and lets his guilt win him over the next. I asked him to let me find someone else who is willing to treat me right. I feel like I'm letting the love of my life go. But I can't deal with these emotional games anymore. Did I do the right thing or should I fight for him?

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Marla,

See our replies to you in your other thread, but, it sounds like it may not come to that anyhow.

I guess it depends on how old you two are. If you're both of age, in the end, it doesn't really matter what family says about it, and your major obstacle where you are is the law. And, the need for him to man up, and stand up for you. If he's of age, but still under say, 25 yrs old or so, I can KINDA understand his nervousness, especially if the two of you are still under parents roofs, and they would disagree. You need to be out on your own, and independent first. If you have to move out, it may as well be out of State. But, he has to be willing. Since you would have to move anyhow, that fact alone COULD persuade him to go for it. One of the first inclinations of couples in your situation is to move far enough away that nobody knows you, and you don't have to put up with daily drama out of family. Something to consider, as it's your only LEGAL option anyhow. 

Why not bring him here, set him down for a good going-over of the facts on this: https://www.cousincouples.com/ page, and see if he can get up to speed? He can either post with you, or on his own, here in the forum, and we'll try to hold your hands and walk you through what you need to do. That's why we're here, after all....

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He is 27 I am 26 he owns his own house. He would never agree to moving away. I don't think I would either we love our family too much.

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Marla,

Well, you're probably stuck then. No more neeked shenanigans where you are either. I really don't want to see you run afoul of the law, M'Dear. He's (well, both of you are) plenty old enough to make your own decisions, but if relocating is not an option, the decision is made for you....

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But I thought Indiana recognized the marriage if it was done somewhere else

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marla, no offense, but marriage should not even be a consideration at this point. you're still trying to figure out if he's worth being with for a night or two. he keeps breaking up with you because of the what-if's. you hooked up when you were drunk. you feel like he's playing head games with you. why are you even contemplating marriage?

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But I thought Indiana recognized the marriage if it was done somewhere else

Maybe, I'd have to check. Are you in Indiana? If you are, then my look-up is wrong. Wouldn't be the first time, and it's usually pretty good, but, it certainly isn't showing you in Indiana. I went to my file that has more extensive content than is listed in the pop-up on the States page. As far as "skirting" the law in Indiana, no, you can't intentionally skirt the law by going to another State where it's legal, get married, then come back. The only way to legally "skirt" the law in Indiana is to full establish residency elsewhere, (I'm going to say they are going to want to see somewhere between 6 months and a years' proof/documentation of such) THEN, return to Indiana. I don't think this applies to you, but for informational purposes, if someone lives in a "green" State, has a career change/move, is legally married in said "green" State, and moves to Indiana, then, yes, Indiana will recognize that marriage. So long as you are a resident in a jurisdiction where it's legal, and are legally married there, Indiana recognizes it. There are some caveats in the statute with corresponding numbers for other statutes, and, since I didn't go look those up too, there could be other exemptions. If you get to that point, let me know, and I will go dig it up, give you the statutes. We are NOT lawyers, and don't give legal advise, but, we can give you the statutes, and show you what they say. Which brings me to.....

While I'm here, I'm going to agree with LadyC too. Either he mans' up, or you walk. Unless he's going to get on the bus, all of this worrying is for nothing. If he's so inclined, and you can get him here, bring him here and show him around. If he won't hear you out, and at least offer to take a look at the facts, then yeah, walk. Playing this little game y'all have going is going to end up with you for sure, and probably both of you, hurt, in the end.

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I know you both are right I will try to see if he considers it. That will be my last attempt and then I will walk away. Thank you both.

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Most important thing for you is to find out if he really loves you and he is willing to keep marry you (undercover relationship) until the right time comes or he is not interested in doing so at all! Maybe he is thinking about you, but at the same time maybe he is not willing to be with you.

Me and my cousin never came to a conclusion about our relationship, instead always it was a 'go with the flow' thing between us, after which he always felt guilty and said the exact same thing 'You know we can't be together or what we are doing is wrong but it feels so right' and eventually he said that 'we should not talk'. When he told me to not to talk to him, I said "okay if that's what you want" and when he said that he is going to get married to someone else and I should also stay in the same city, I was hurt and that was when I told him that it was his decision and I will go back to my ex. Since then we don't talk, he did try to talk to me when I was trying to move on with my life but I decided to not to talk to him (since it was him he told me to go away TWICE). My relationship with my ex did not work out, and it has been over three years I am still single and loving it. I am so tired of dealing with my ex and my cousin, that I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. Right now, I have reached at the point where no matter what I can not let anyone play with my feelings or treat me badly, whether it is my cousin or anyone else. My cousin stopped talking to me twice and last time he said something which was off limits and made me decide not to pursue him. No hard feelings for anyone, and also I am not going to let anyone hurt me.

Obviously, your cousin is different from mine. But, it is only up to you decide based on your cousin's behavior. If he is ready to be with you and is trying to find alternative ways of doing so, then be with him. If you believe that, he might change his mind in future and he is willing to do anything for you then maybe you should give him more time. My advise to you is to talk to him, but don't let him use you for his own pleasure meaning only talk and cuddles at the most.

He has broken up with me twice before. Last time we were together was Jan4 of 2015. But this Christmas break we were in México. We both got drunk. He grabbed me pulled me towards him and kissed me in my forehead. He told me he missed me I told him to stop it was the alcohol talking and he would regret this tomorrow. He said he wasn't going to to regret it. He said he loved me always has that if it wasn't for the family he would have made me his wife a long time ago. I told he was lying. If he would have loved me he wouldn't have put through all the pain of seeing and not being able to touch him. He said he suffered too. He got jealous when I would dance with other men. I asked to forget the others and do whatever makes him happy. He said he couldn't be selfish. It was just not him. I asked to leave me alone then to stop playing with my feelings  and let me be. But he wants me to keep talking to him. I said no I can't do that. He asked for time to think what he was going to do we agreed on a week. That night we made love and it was amazing. But last night I realized I can't be with him because I live in constant fear that he will change his mind like he has done in the past. I told him I couldn't be with someone who wants to be with me one day and lets his guilt win him over the next. I asked him to let me find someone else who is willing to treat me right. I feel like I'm letting the love of my life go. But I can't deal with these emotional games anymore. Did I do the right thing or should I fight for him?

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I asked him to let me find someone else who is willing to treat me right

You asked him to let you find someone else?  What is this?  The Victorian Age?

Girl, you need to decide for yourself if this "relationship" is right for you.  If not, then walk away.  You don't need his permission to block his calls, delete his email address and unfriend him from social media.  You are in charge of your own happiness.

And you fight for him by walking away.  Perhaps seeing that you aren't going to play this hot and cold game with him anymore and that you are going to pursue your own happiness will light a fire under his indecisiveness.  If it doesn't, then he really wasn't that into you; he was just into the sex.

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kitty44, you've been coming around here for a while, posting under this name and kitten. why don't you join the board? we'd love to have you as a member.

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Thanks everyone for your advice. I decided to walk away. Even if he decides to stay.I will live in fear of him changing his mind any day and I can't do that. He just wants what he can't have. That is all. When I asked to let me find someone I meant for him him to stay out of my life and let me be.

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As hard as I am sure it is for you to do this Marla, I applaud you for being wise enough to do what is right for YOU.

Not everyone has the inner strength to do what is best for them in the long run and continue to stay in a situation

that is so unhealthy.

Someone is waiting for you that is everything you desire in a healthy relationship.

Don't settle for less.

Best wishes.

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That's strong and brave of you Marla, I've read a lot of stories on here of one's being used by their Cousins! I think it's wrong to play family like that, especially of the consequences that can happen with the rest of family.

Glad your moving on, you deserve someone who is faithful, honest and knows what he wants.

Good luck :smiley:

nessa76

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Thanks everyone so I have started dating someone else. I wasn't too excited about dating him to be honest. I guess I agreed to date him to get over my cousin. He is constantly asking me to move in with him. I keep saying we should wait but sometimes I feel like I should just do it. It would be my chance to go away and not see my cousin so often. Things with my cousin have been a bit awkward. We do talk but not a whole lot. He says it's because he wants me to give my boyfriend a fair chance and he doesn't want me to get my hopes high and think he wants me back. But he also does things to like not hurt me. For instance when he goes out with his friend that he knows makes me jealous, he tries to go out without me noticing it. Or if someone else asks about her or his ex he changes the subject. I don't know how I should feel about. I mean I guess I am relieved that I don't have hear those conversations. But sometimes I just want to tell to stop protecting me and live his life. I know this isn't a reason to go live with someone else. But I really just feel we have created such a big mess. And I don't don't know how to clean it up.

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I would advise you to NOT move in with the new bf.  From the sounds of this last post

you would be doing both of you a disservice.  It wouldn't be fair to the new bf who would

think it is a step forward in the relationship, when in fact it is only a step that would make you

"think" you are moving on from your cousin. 

You need to make sure you are over cousin before committing to such a decision.

It is good that you are trying to move on, proud of you. But what appears to be a hasty decision might prove to

be very wrong.

Best wishes as you continue to move forward.

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