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LostWithReason

slipping again

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12 posts in this topic

:cry: My cousin has started ignoring me yet again, and I honestly do not understand it. When I went to Christmas dinner with my S.O. and my child, he followed me around the house, and my S.O. caught him staring at me in the back yard from the glass patio doors, and he and I were both awkward around each other. My sister went to the new years party, and I didn't. He asked her to tell me hello, and that he wished I was there. He also spoke to her like we were talking on a daily basis about me and my kid but brushed off my fiancee when he was brought up. Should I just come right out and say it?? That I think he feels the same way I do, or should I just... Let it go. I don't know if I even can just let it go. I have loved him for so long. Ugh. I am so lost! Ok rant over.

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Before you begin "something" with your cousin, you owe it to your fiancée to come clean and give him the option of staying

or leaving,  It isn't fair to him to be basically your second choice.

Just my two cents worth.

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then why are you still with him?

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Because he is a very understanding person. It doesn't bother him at all actually. He has embraced MY truth, and that's why we are still together. Don't get me wrong, we struggled at first... But after some much needed conversation on the subject, we worked through it.

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i went back thru your other posts here. this is the first time you've bothered to mention that you have a fiancee and a child. i'm not sure why you felt the need to hide that information previously. i also noticed you said in one of your previous posts that you don't like to take chances, you like 100% certainty. girl, nothing in life is guaranteed. and relationships are absolutely never a guarantee.

here's what IS 100% certain though. you have a man who, for whatever reason, loves you enough to stay with you in spite of the fact that he (according to you) knows you are considering pursuing another man. fact 2, you have a child. is that child your fiancee's child? fact 3. you are hurting your fiancee, and are willing to hurt your child because of your selfishness. and that brings me to fact 4... yes, it is selfish to pursue another man while still in a committed relationship with someone else, and doubly so if the person you are committed to is the father of your child.

and yeah, maybe that sounds judgmental. but fact 5 is that i can be judgemental about that because i walked in your shoes, and now that my daughters are grown, i can see exactly how my selfishness has affected them, and how it impacts my grandchildren.

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(and if you really believe that you are not hurting your fiancee, and that he really is fine with it, you're not only selfish, you're delusional. and he's a fool.)

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I'm pretty sure I did, however I I did not, I apologize. I really don't think THIS is the place to get judgy about other peoples life choices. I know that alot of people do not understand or approve of poly relationships, but this isn't a bad thing that we are trying to do here. We are keeping our relationship alive by accepting that sometimes not all things are cut and dry. Especially when it comes to love. I have been in love with my cousin since I was in high school, does that mean I should have just stayed single?? I don't think so. He didn't either, and I don't hate or judge him for it. Actually aside from their issues, and one issue I have with her, his ex wife is a very nice lady. I know yall may not understand, but once again... This website doesn't really have the right to judge anyone.

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Also, I don't think its right for first cousins to marry because genetics, but I don't sit there and tell people that they are sick, foolish, delusional, or anything other of the sort. Who am I to say they are wrong?? Nobody! I am not in their shoes, therefore have NO RIGHT saying such hateful nasty things.

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Also, my fiancee is a bisexual male, so the thought of me being with another man, does not bother him. I know you may not approve, but I'm not looking for approval, I'm looking for advice, and now I'm not sure if I can get any here, because of how judgmental yall are. That's really sad to me because what if another person come here in the same situation and get railed verbally and they have some kind of break down? I don't think that's right.

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ok, lost, your name says it all... you really are lost... but without reason.

this website doesn't judge anybody. GOD is the only judge. *I* come across as judgemental to you because *I* have walked in your slippery shoes and have learned from experience just how much damage those shoes do and why there really are moral absolutes. i'm not the one making the absolutes. i just don't deny them anymore.

you choose to deny it. you choose to blind yourself to the truth and make excuses for your choices and everybody else's. you ADMITTED in this thread already that in the beginning your fiancee was not happy about your feelings for your cousin, but that the two of you had a lengthy conversation about it and he was struggling with it but finally embraced YOUR truth. so no, he's not fine with it. you've just convinced him that he needs to be fine with it and you've convinced yourself that he really is.

listen. don't come onto this forum telling us what is right and wrong and how we, or i, have no right to talk to you like this. this forum is owned and operated by christians. all of our administrators, including myself, are christians. many of our moderators are christians, and even if they aren't, they still hold the sanctity of family to be a higher priority than affairs of the heart. so you can hate what we stand for if you must, but you will never change our worldview. if people get upset and leave, or if they have a breakdown, that's not on us. that's because they are hearing a truth that is NOT subjective, and that's not what they want to hear.

and one more thing. you think i was talking nastily to you? really? the word 'selfish' is that offensive? that makes you sound terribly fragile... and makes you come across as the perpetual victim. i don't say any of this with malice. i say this with bluntness, because i don't believe in mincing words to protect someone's fragile ego. (look up the word ego if you need to, that's not a nasty word.) i believe that this world is in the shape it is in because people have walked on eggshells way too long instead of just telling the truth as it is.

and for the record, your non-judgemental objections to first cousins having children because of genetic risks is steeped in ignorance. (note, i did NOT say stupidity, i said ignorance. one is correctable, the other is not.) you might consider reading some of the scientific research that we've broken down into everyday language about the genetic risks so that you can learn more fully why genetic experts say there is no medical reason for first cousin marriage to be seen in a negative light.

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Knowing upfront that you are in a poly-amorous relationship would've made a difference in the responses you have received.

That aside, and I ask this with utmost sincerity:

Why is it OK to have sex with your cousin, but not to marry your cousin?  That seems hypocritical to me.

Science has already shown the genetic biases toward cousin-produced offspring is junk.  And we know that more societies accept cousin marriages than don't.  If you like, don't just rely on the information you see here.  Research it for yourself.  A simple Google search will produce more affirmation for cousin marriages that you can imagine!

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