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Guest Nadia

we love each other since forever...

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Guest Nadia

Hello to everyone in this site.

First of all, i apologize for my English. Its not good. I live in South America.

I had no idea that a lot of people went through this... and that we were not the only crazy ones...

Trying to explain what i feel for my first cousin is difficult. When i think on him, my heart accelerates and i feel excited.

We are both 35 y.o. so we are not kids anymore.

Its a long story but i´ll try to make a summary about it.

He is son of my aunt, when i was a kid my dad usually took our family to visit his sister(my aunt) who had at that time like 5 kids, similar to my age. But i didnt care about others i always did it for seen him, only him.

A few times he went to my house, specially in school vacations, and stayed at my house... those were the greatest days... we were kids but we felt something different, it was romantic. I felt nervous every time i was alone with him. Nothing sexual never happened. Just the feeling, and it was absolutely perfect.

When we were almost 16 i think; he had to move to US with almost his entire family... You know, it was devastating for me. I felt terrible for a big period of time. At the same moment i knew it was bad, feeling what i felt for him...

There was only once time i remember before he left. I was standing in front of the mirror of the bathroom and he had to leave our house, i was crying, and he didnt say anything, we never did, he came next to me, and this was the first time i felt that i realized that i was in love with me. He looked at my eyes and gavea kiss, not any kiss, my true love first kiss, it was sweet and short.

We both knew that what we felt for each other was strong and beautiful but at the same time was bad.

Time passed by, a lot of years, i mean a lot,,, we are 35 now. but in those years, i could never forgot him. It was impossible that in some family reunion, his name was mentioned, and i had to hide that i was excited to hear news about him...

I can not lie, i tried to make my own life,,, when i was 18 i felt very sick, so my family took me to a hospital and i met a doctor, he made me laugh, just like my cousin, i spent almost 8 years of my life with him. There were ups and downs like any relationship; but there was something wrong that i didnt realized at that time... I was needed of affection, any... and that i wasn´t a priority for him,,, never. I remembered talking to him about marriage but he said that he was a doctor and doctor can not marry young,,,,, After so many years being with him, on my birthday he confessed me that he had a son of 1 year old with some nurse he met at the hospital,,, and i talked to him,,, and said that i could understand but few thing would change, he said that he would pay everything the kid need, but he never wanted to know about him... so i realized that he could be the best doctor in the world, but not a good father. So i thought better and  i couldn´t forgive him.

So, we split, it was painful... sad...

During the 8 years of relationship i had,,, my cousin sent me some cassettes (remember my age) with music, and some videos where he talk to me like friends... and i did the same sending him videos,,, At some point i knew from a relative in a conversation that he had a girlfriend and he had 2 kids... the true: i felt like shit (sorry the bad word, but its describes exactly how i felt at that moment) I felt that my world collapsed and i couldn´t even talk to somebody about it. I knew i had a boyfriend, and that he had a family, but it was impossible not to feel that way. i loved him.

we never said i love you, not even i like you... never... but i think we didn´t  have to.

Then i was alone for some years. And i tried to blocked him in my mind and heart, and i didn´t wanted to know more about him. I only studied and worked... no more... Then,,, i met this guyfor a short time,,, and i got pregnant, it was difficult, i didn´t even liked him... but anyways i was grown, (30) he is an irresponsible man, 36 now,,, but acts like a boy... he signed my kid,,, but never worried about her, she is 5 now, but she doesn´t know her father, i spent my whole pregnancy alone, until now... he has never wanted to know or at least call his daughter for a birthday... nothing... he doesn´t exist. I can not explain my daughter that she has a father that never see...

Back in 2010 when i was pregnant my cousin came to visit my country... i was as fat as a person can be... and i agree to see him... i mean its him,,, finally... we both felt nervous,,, had fun together,,, everything was excellent... he never said at that point: i like or love u. It was the first time that i slept with him. the he returned to US. and i dind´t know more about him anymore. I thought that maybe he realized it wasn´t love, or just wanted to know how i was in bed... or maybe that he didn´t like me anymore... so i said:... ¡mmm it´s ok... i have a daughter,,, stop thinking on silly things,,, stop dreaming, don´t u realize he doesn´t love u!, it pushed me to move forward and forget him, at least for a while.

3 years after (2013) he wrote me, and said he was coming back... i felt excited again, and told him ok,,, i´ll wait for u... ,,, but then i thought, he doesn´t deserves that, he dissappeared a long time, never called, never wrote,,, so why am i so excited... I was determined that he won´t change what i have: not thinking on him anymore...

So, he came and continued writing and writing to see me. But i never answered. I work in a small family business and one day he came with other uncle,,, and felt terrible, i wanted to dissappear, i mean it was fantantic to see him but i was avoiding him, and it didn´t result. I tried to do other things and left the place we were, he followed me, we saw each other, laugh but didn´t talk about something else. After few days he returned to US again...

The truth is that i feel electricity every time he is around... my heart wants to explode and feel alive again... i felt that way every single time i was near to him, even when we were kids,,, til now

He came again last december,,, and we saw each other again in a family reunion, i couln´t stop looking at him and he he did the same. I only salute him, and didnt talk to him nothing else,,, i felt that everybody would realize...

He wrote to me,,, and i decided to give him my phone number,,, it was the best idea i could have... we decided to drink something,,, it was sort of a date... (unbelievable: finally, with him) i was anxious, stressed, crazy

I knew it was bad... but good at the same time,... why it was so complicated

That night we were in a bar in front of the beach at night... talking and talking, laughing,,,,, and then we started kissing,,, and wel you know...

After so many years... we finally said: i love you for the very first time.

And opened our hearts sharing our stories. All i felt for him, he felt for me. He suffered, he told me that after he saw me the previous time in my work he cried a lot. He thought he lost me.

He said that when we were together the first time, and left and didn´t talk to me anymore, was because he thought i had a relationship with the father of my daughter and didn´t want to destroy a family... if he only knew... i didn´t have the chance to explain him

Now, we are both honest, he doesn´t care about my body, he met my daughter and she loves him, he loves her too... we have been talking about our present and future.

I know he is the one, my only true love... and i know for sure that he loves me,,,

He said that he made the last trip for that,,, see if i still love him and finally do something. We are no kids anymore.

We could made a short trip (3 of us, with my daughter) and share other moments together, spending almost every day... everything perfect... but it woulnd´t last forever, he had to returned to US.

.The problem we have now is to tell our families... we are not like a religious family, but its for sure they won´t react well, specially my father...

Since he left, we communicate each other by apps... every day,,, talking every night, he lives in US alone, and has 2 daughters of 11 and 14. He is separated of the mother of his kids,,, and u know, world is crazy, she married and has now a 6 y.o. son with my cousin´s brother, my other cousin... He explained that it was terrible for him... and i understand... anyone can. So, he doesn´t live with her ex, and obciously see his daughters some days.

I think its easier for me,,, to go there... because i have a little daughter, and she doesnt even know her father... so i can take her with me and won´t miss her father. But if he come it would be difficult, because he won´t see his daughters anymore.

So we talked about having a serious relationship, not to hide anymore... he is going to come back in 5 months with his daughters to know all of us... are planning to take a short trip together... then i´ll go there with my daughter in december and live with him for 1 or 2 months. We also think on getting married, don´t know the date or place, but is a goal, and moving together finally, i think in US and maybe in the future return to our country.

But i live with my mom, my only brother lives near and they both love my daughter. We all raise her together.

Recently, like 5 days ago, I took a deep breath and told my mom my feelings about him and what we were thinking about future... she didn´t took it well, she doesnt talk to me anymore, she told my brother, i had to talk to him, and he doesn´t like it but he said that he will accept it.

Both are different with me... they just don´t like the idea that its him, the don´t want me to go far with my daughter... it hurts...

I want to know that i am not a bad person, bad mom, bad daughter.

Its just that i am 35 y.o. i always wanted to have my own family, and its just a miracle, that the only man i loved, still and will love wants me as his wife and loves my daughter.

I havent told my father yet, and its scary, he has the worst temper,,, being a single mom in South America makes u very close to your family,,, maybe just too much. My mom is used to see me always at home, never go out, always do things in family... so doing or thinking different is wrong.

I think we are not making decissions now, but thinking... if i move there, will be next year... but my mom and brother don´t want to see me or even talk to me, he said that he doesn´t even want to see my daughter anymore, because he wwould feel worst when we move...

I don´t know how to feel about it... its sad... but i think its not the end of the world... he is a good person, good father... i think i am just looking for a good advice or somebody to cheer up to me right now....

Thank u for reading this extensive topic... every story is different... i just wish everything results fine... i still need to talk to my dad,,, and its scary, he is a violent person... so wish me the best.

My cousin and I are thinking on talking to him together when he come... we´ll see.....

I´ll let u know later what happen........

Love u all. I feel better now, I can not tell it nobody, but at least writing here helped.

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Hello Nadia,

Im not good in english too..im in Philippines and got married to my first cousin and have 3 kids already. Marrying your first cousin here in Philippines its taboo. But we dont care coz we love each other. At first its hard for me coz im the only child. My parents want me to be married to  a man and they will watch me walking to an aisle with the man i love....but all there dreams for me failed...

Me and my cousin meet when for the first time when i am 20 yrs old and he is 23 yrs old that time. I am fresh college graduate that time and seeking for a job in manila thats a capital of philipines. my mom give the cp number of my cousin and she said i called him so that i will meet them personally. So weve been texting and calling until that day come on a first day weve met..i felt something when i first saw him. I believe the love at first sight heheehhe..he felt the same to me...i come with him to ghere province for a month. And his sister and brother notice that me and ulyses have relationship. They talk to there brother and i see the tears falling to my cousins eyes. I feel pained that time when i see him cry. But we love each other and no one can break us.I end my vacation that day and back to manila with him. We live in in one apartment. After a month i got pregnant and his family first accept us and followed my family after i give birth.

I know that i break my parents heart.

But i love him and he loves me. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have him in my life he is very responsible he help.my adopted brothernto finish college even his brother and sister. He has a big heart. And i thank god for it. Maybe its taboo in the eyes of people but in the eyes of GOd he love us and accpt us s long as wenlove and respect each other.....

If you love him u fight for the love.

The anry of ur families will dis appear time will come...promise everythig will be fine.

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