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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Jpixie

How do I respond?

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13 posts in this topic

We have what I think are good days and then we have bad days. Sometimes our conversations start out good but end up in an argument. I told him I couldn't trust him and this was his response:

" I wish you could understand what's going on with me. I wish I could tell you but I can't because I don't know how. Yes I made a complete mess of our friendship and everything else, your right you shouldn't trust me ever again, I didn't do a good job holding it together. Its safe to assume or say I'm a great f*** up. It also makes me human so fault me for my wrongs."

Part  of me feels guilt the other part is saying he's playing mind games

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he IS playing mind games. and you're on the verge of falling prey to those head games. not picking on ya, just observing that's where you're at right now. so my advice is dig deep down inside and gather the courage to respond something like this.

you're right, you are human. you do wrong things. but you're also a grown man, and it's way past time you start being accountable for the stupid choices you make. your choices aren't made in a vacuum. they affect other people. and i'm choosing not to let you do ME wrong anymore.

and then you walk away and never look back.

(i know, it's easier said than done.)

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I don't have the courage to tell him that but I don't want to be in pain anymore. My hardest thing is being ok with letting him go. I feel stupid for falling in love with him, even though things are not good I still love him I didnt think it could be possible to still love a person when they treat you bad.I beat myself why couldn't I see all of this before.

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we've all been there. don't beat yourself up so bad. break up with him and then spend a few days mourning and grieving.. go see the saddest movie you can find and sit in the back by yourself and cry thru the whole thing... eat ice cream and hide in your apartment for days without washing your hair. and then after a few days, get out and start living again. go on long walks and just enjoy nature. do some praying if you pray. go visit a friend that you haven't seen in a while. and above all, nurture yourself. treat yourself kindly. don't even think about guys for a while. let yourself heal over this one.

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Well I don't have to say anything to him he just kicked me to the curb like I was a piece of trash! 💔😞

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jpixie, YOU aren't the piece of garbage. just remember that, ok?

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I cried myself to sleep i cant begin to describe all the things i feel. I went to work today but I was not there mentally. I know I cannot allow this to consume me. I have no escape I moved in with him and I have nothing and no where to go. It looks like I will be spending more time at work to avoid being around him until I can figure out where I'm going.  I will definitely take this as a lesson learned.

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I don't log in much because I am no longer in a relationship with my cousin, but I do like to browse the forums from time to time. I felt compelled to reply to your post, JPixie because a few years back I was in a similar situation with my cousin. I was 17 when he first told me that he had feelings for me and he was 25.

My cousin has never been physically violent toward me, but he has been in prison for hitting his first wife, and he is now in another legal situation for hitting his second wife. If he can hit those two women, what would stop him from hitting me? You know, really nothing. When I was little he would hang me upside down by my ankles, he also used to tease me a lot, for years I didn't like my own name because he and his sister used to tease me so much. So I know he is capable of being an all around evil person. In fact, I could not stand him for the first 14 or so years of my life.

When he was 24 he was released from prison, I was about 15. I would talk to him on the phone when he was in prison, but i never wrote to him, and if I was talking to him on the phone, I was really just trying to kill time until someone he wanted to talk to came home. We became friends when he was released and he turned out to be OK given our past history. We would stay up al night talking and contemplating life. At some point we even made plans to move to California and live in an apartment by the ocean (Of course this plan never did come into fruition and I was oblivious to the fact that he liked me more than a cousin at this time). By the time i was 17 I considered us best friends. I never did consider that for years he had been so nice to me because he found me attractive, and I was totally blown away by his confession. I had never thought of him in that way, I actually had to learn to love him in a more intimate way. I always knew he was seeing other women, but because of our age difference I didn't feel it was my place to confront him about it, or to tell him what he could or could not do. Especially when I was 17. Needless to say the relationship was complicated. I was not really a sneaky type of person, or a secret keeper, and I felt really guilty about sneaking around with him. Guilty to the point that I would fall into a deep depression afterwards and not talk to him for a few months. Beside my guilt (which I think might have been mutual) he had a real fear that I would become pregnant which always confused me, but that's another story I guess.

When I was around 19 he started seeing this girl and I could tell the relationship with her was different, he stopped talking to me as much and wouldn't answer calls or texts. I kind of felt bad because, I thought that I wasn't giving him enough time or attention, and when he wanted to talk to me, I had been so hurt that he liked this new girl that I didn't want to talk to him. So I stopped talking to him all together. Of course he was confused and asked why, but I just told him that I didn't know, that I had been busy, etc.

One day I heard that he had gotten engaged to the girl. The news pretty much ripped my heart out. I literally lost my breath and had to sit down for a minute (I had been sweeping). Our secret almost came out to the family when I tried to explain to another cousin that I was not happy with the engagement and she blew it way out of proportion. He was angry with me and I guess he was saying all kinds of crazy things about me. Anyway, that summer I went to visit his sister in LA and she had given him my number (I have no idea why. I think she thought she would catch me in some kind of lie if I talked to him). He called and texted me, asking what happened with our other cousin, why did I tell our secret, and he said he still wanted me. Of course we discussed the whole thing, and I tried to explain to him why the relationship between us would never work, but he said he had a plan. I just didn't see why he couldn't choose. The real bad thing about it was that he couldn't even flat out tell me that he loved me. I remember our last conversation vividly. I was on my way back home when he texted me, telling me about some crazy plan for us to be together again. I told him how hurt I was about the other girl, and everything, I told him every thing that I was on my mind. All he could do was tell me not to feel the way I did and that he 'cared about me'. And if we want to get on the subject of mind games, I told him that we could never get married and I didn't want to sneak around with him anymore. His response was as follows: "We don't need to get married. We're cousins so we should just make good with it." Like what in the world did that even mean? At some point I had lost my cell connection over the mountain and turned the phone off. When I got home, I got on CC and asked for advice. The advice I received was to stay away from him. He was on a really bad path filled with drugs and alcohol, and I was sick of being his secret, and I did not want to be his secret anymore. At the time I was really considering getting back with him. But a lot of good people on this site including LadyC gave me some of the best advice I have ever received, which was to leave him alone. I cut all ties, took him off my Facebook, everything. I have not spoken to him since.

I'm not saying cutting ties with him was easy, but it was necessary for my own sanity. I had to treat the situation as if he were dead. I cried for the rest of the summer, but I pulled through it. That fall I enrolled in college, and have been using that as a pretty good distraction for the past few years. Now I'm going for the sole reason of earning the degree. I hardly think about my cousin anymore. I have nothing to say to him and can't think of one thing to say.

It's hard having to be in the same room with him during the holidays. But one of the best things you can do is live your life and live it well. If your cousin is as obsessive as mine is, he will keep tabs on you and that's ok. It has been confirmed recently, that he still lives only a few blocks from me. (I moved to the south side of town a few years ago, and shortly after I moved here, he did also) Let him see that you are happy without him, that life does go on. Let him have the girl. You're better than that and you deserve so much more. It is not an easy thing to do. I understand what you're saying when you said that you love him. I was scared to tell my cousin that we were done for good, I actually thought he might kill himself. Sure he has sent himself on a dangerous path, he is now most likely headed to prison or worse, but that's his journey, his choice, and his decision. I have gotten to the point now that he only crosses my mind when someone mentions him. Don't give this guy the power, when you can, get yourself as far away from him as you can, and don't ever look back. I hope everything turns out well for you. I can see that you are hurting a lot right now, but maybe my story will help you feel better.

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Thank you for sharing your story. I am really hurting, I'm just taking everything in and hopefully be able to get myself together so i can move on with my life. Its comforting to know I can come on here and get advice to help me get through this. I know it will take some time to heal I just have to take it one day at a time

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Yes, one day at a time. For me it was like, if I can get through the next minute I'll be ok. I listened to a lot of sad love songs and cried it out until I felt like I could pick myself up. I actually developed new tastes in music as I was recovering. The worst part was that my immediate family was worried about me but of course I couldn't tell them what was wrong. Just take it day by day, minute by minute, hour by hour. You'll be fine :) read a few books, write a book if that's something you're into. Just get your mind off it the best you can. You deserve the world and are worth so much more than what he is putting you through. There is someone out there who is perfect for you and wouldn't put you through this kind of turmoil no matter what. Everything's going to be fine, and there is always darkness before dawn. I believe my cousin was meant to teach me what I didn't want in a relationship so that I knew what I did want as I moved forward in life. Take all the lessons he gave you and put them to better use when you finally get around to finding your perfect partner.

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I think I should seek counseling this is eating me up inside. The more I think of everything the more I want revenge. This is not me I am not myself I miss the old me

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I am sorry for all the pain you are feeling.  I would like to recommend a book that helped me a tremendous amount.

It is NASTY PEOPLE, HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL.  It teaches you recognize bullies and how to handle them .   I used that book to completely change MY thinking and I am a very happy person now.

You can get it from Amazon.  It is short and easy to read.  And it is easier and cheaper than a counselor!

Good luck.  HUGS

Nat

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I haven't accepted that this has happened. I may say I want revenge but I Wont do it. I did read the book it was helpful Im just taking this day by day. I have good days and bad days

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