BeyondConfused

I just want the pain to stop....

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I've been looking at this website for a few months now and it has helped me to not be so closed minded towards cousin relationships. I've learned to educate myself and was really surprised by how common cousin relations are. I finally decided to become a member because, quite frankly, I need support. 

I want to tell my story and any advice is appreciated.

I am 26 (well next month) and I have two wonderful children that are my world. I met my cousin once when I was probably around 6 or 7 but didn't see him again until I was 22 and he was 26 i believe. He is my first cousin as our dad's are brothers. Myself, my parents, uncle & cousins all met at a bar that night and just enjoyed each other's company. My cousin, Andrew, text me a few nights later in the middle of the night and told me I was beautiful and could't stop thinking about me. I told him don't let it happen again. Now, I know that sounds mean but there is also a back story to this. His ex wife was also his first cousin on his mothers side. They were together for 7 years and have 4 children together. Twister, huh? I remember my first reaction to hearing that and I couldn't understand how someone could pursue a relationship with their cousin.

Fast forward to this year... My daughter was having her 4th birthday party and I invited him and his kids to the party. It works out since his oldest son is the same age as my oldest son and his youngest (daughter) is my daughter's age. I hadn't seen him since I was 22 but we would occasionally text and it seemed to be more frequent. I can't explain why but I was so excited to see him. When they showed up all I wanted to do was be near him but I was busy hosting a party. Something was there. Chemistry... a connection that I just kept pushing back. The birthday party lasted all day with swimming, karaoke & great laughs. He left probably around 9:30 that night and he text me after saying he forgot his son's insulin in the fridge and needed to come back by the next day to get it. I told him it was great to see him and I would see him in the morning. They came by the next morning and we hung out in the backyard and had a couple of drinks and caught up while all of the kids swam. We just talked and talked for a few hours and it felt like we had known each other forever. It was amazing how we had so much in common. Anyways, he invited us over for the 4th of July to swim, grill & drink. I was planning to just stay at his house since I wasn't going to drink and drive. I met one of his sisters and his brother in law as well. As the day went on we were flirting and enjoying each other's company. After fireworks, his ex came to pick up his kids, his sister & BIL left and my kids went upstairs to sleep. It was just us. We had definitely had a few drinks and were both intoxicated. We went back in the pool and that's when things progressed. Now his pool has a waterfall that you can sit under and we had a ton of glow necklaces that the kids were playing with. I was sitting on the step of the pool and I sat and watched him carefully place all of these glow sticks in parts of the waterfall. lol. The thing is... I knew exactly what he was doing. He swam over to me and kissed me... and I kissed back. I remember pulling away and saying we can't do this but he just kissed me again. I gave in. I wanted it. I wanted him. Without going into too much detail, it turned into a night of so much passion and mindblowing sex. There was just so much chemistry and we were so in sync with one another despite our drunkenness. When we woke up the next morning, he asked if he could see me that night. I was really apprehensive but I agreed. Neither one of us had our kids that weekend so we decided we would go see a movie we were talking about the day before. I went over to his house but we never made it to the movie. We ended up talking and sleeping together again. This time... no drinks. I kept saying we can't do this again cause it's wrong but I didn't want to leave him. The connection between us was something I had never experienced before. Ever. It was like a gravitational pull and I had no control. I remember us laying in bed and looking at each other and something changed. It went from platonic sex to intimacy and we both felt it. With a straight face he said "We can't fall in love with each other." I laughed about it then... I'm definitely not laughing about it now.

This is already long so I'm gonna try to make the rest short. Over two more months of seeing each other almost every week, of fighting feelings and he told me he loved me. Shit. He let it slip and I could tell he didn't mean to say it. Now, I had been trying to distance myself because I had been falling for him and I couldn't let that happen. He had already been through this once before and knew what coming out with it would entail. The thing is... I am willing to do that but I don't think he is. I asked him if that's how he really felt and he said yes. I didn't tell him back. I wanted to... but I didn't. I also hadn't told anyone I loved them like that in 4 years. My last relationship was an abusive one and I'm not the most open when it comes to letting men in.  Anyways, that was two nights ago. I came home the next morning and just lost myself in my thoughts. I decided to write him a letter and tell him what was going on in my mind. I told him I love him and that I want to be with him. I told him I can't do it anymore. He has said so many times that we can't be together because of the storm it will bring. I can't make him go through that again. I told him that I hope that he finds someone who can show him that he is worth loving and told him all the good things about him that he doesn't see in himself (his marriage really hurt him). I told him he helped me personally learn a lot about myself and showed me that, despite my past, I can love someone again. I want nothing more than to be with him but while it hurts when I am away from him... it hurts when we are together. I can't fully let myself feel for him and give in to the love I have for him because he needs to want the same. A relationship is hard enough but when you add a cousin relationship to it, you have to be willing to stick by each other 100% and given his past and things he has said, I don't believe he can do that. I went by his house and dropped off the letter today. He probably already ready it but has said nothing to me. What I do know is that I have never experienced so much heartache. Am I doing the right thing? It's better to make myself hurt now than have it hurt more later, right? I'm just so confused.

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I think you are doing the right thing. You are saving yourself from further heartache because he doesn't seem to want to be in a serious relationship with you. Trust me it will hurt a lot less if you end it now then if you keep on falling more in love with him. I may be hard at first but just stay strong  :smiley:

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I think you are doing the right thing. You are saving yourself from further heartache because he doesn't seem to want to be in a serious relationship with you. Trust me it will hurt a lot less if you end it now then if you keep on falling more in love with him. I may be hard at first but just stay strong  :smiley:

I may be totally off base here, but I have a possible other take on it. I think he may very well want a serious relationship. However, HE damn well knows the drama it will be. He's been there, done that once. I venture a good guess there is STILL considerable drama as a result. I've not went into it much openly here on the site, but my divorce was final today. Seeing as how we are not kin, once the financials are dealt with, we can go our merry ways, and we need not see each other again. If your ex is a cousin,,,,,,,,,not so much so, especially since there are the several children involved. You may be ex-es, but THEN it goes back to the primary relation of cousin/family. He will have this hanging from here on out.

From where I set, he loves you, he wants you, but not so bad as to put YOU through the even MORE massive BS that it would entail, not just him. He's dealt with it once, and, should he do it again, the drama would go up exponentially, and I'm sure he doesn't want any part of it, but I'll assure you, he certainly doesn't want you, (who HASN'T been through even a small dose) to be in the middle of it. I have a feeling he sees a sh*tstorm a brewing if you two were to proceed, at least openly, and for ALL parties involved, would just as soon avoid it at all costs. 

I don't know where this leaves you two. I'm not sure how you could work out some sort of (dare I say unconventional, on a site such as this?) relationship. It takes a lot more than a romp or two, a few minutes of looking deeply in the eyes, and then saying "We can't do this. " Now I have been there, done that, and would have most certainly handled that situation a LOT differently. (I was in your situation, she was scared) But, there were none of these other extenuating circumstances, and I think those are the bigger factor here M'Dear.

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From where I set, he loves you, he wants you, but not so bad as to put YOU through the even MORE massive BS that it would entail, not just him. He's dealt with it once, and, should he do it again, the drama would go up exponentially, and I'm sure he doesn't want any part of it, but I'll assure you, he certainly doesn't want you, (who HASN'T been through even a small dose) to be in the middle of it. I have a feeling he sees a sh*tstorm a brewing if you two were to proceed, at least openly, and for ALL parties involved, would just as soon avoid it at all costs. 

Thanks Hawk. That is a point of view that I didn't consider. It's always nice to hear differing opinions and to be able to see things from a different perspective.

It takes a lot more than a romp or two, a few minutes of looking deeply in the eyes, and then saying "We can't do this. " Now I have been there, done that, and would have most certainly handled that situation a LOT differently. (I was in your situation, she was scared) But, there were none of these other extenuating circumstances, and I think those are the bigger factor here M'Dear.

I completely agree. My story was getting really long so I left A LOT out. If only it was all as simple as the above we wouldn't have gotten into the situation as it stands today but there is more to the story than told. Ha there was definitely a lot of that in the beginning though as I'm sure more than one person on this site has experienced.

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my dear,

Theres nothing to be confused so much about this..remove your guilt!!! so what you fell for ur cousin.. no problem

We are all part of some or the other guilty pleasures and insightful fetishes for some or the other person.

Just remember .. love is important!..not sex!!

sex doesnt stay for long.. love stays!

Don't fall just for the physical intimacy that you had with him!!.. that doesn't matter ..people tend to fall in for people for satisfying each other physically or emotionally, but if you are in love with him and he s also the same with you.. then go ahead.. have the sex of your life.. enjoy life!! live as if u hav nvr livd bfr!!..srry abt the sex part.. I didn't mean in the wrong sense..I cudnt stop saying that!!.. Just have a serious check then u hav all ur life ahead of u to decide !! .. Njoi!!

Regards & Love,

Rohit

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