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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Where do we go from here?

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I don't know how to start. This is my first time posting in public how I feel with all honesty. Glad that I found this site, knowing that we're not alone and that some people can totally understand what we're going through is comforting.

I'm with an amazing person, I feel loved every day. We've been together through highs and lows. We support each other and want the best for each other. Yes, we are not perfect but we learned to forgive and love each other despite the imperfections. I want to believe that our love for each other can be perfect and stay that way for life. I want to show the whole world how amazing he is, how beautiful our love is.

But of course, we can't. We were made to believe that what we have is a sin, an embarrassment for the family, a curse, stupid, disgusting and should be stopped. We were treated as cast outs, judged and called different names.

Since we were young we've been in love but stayed away from each other and tried to be with other people but found our way back to each other. We couldn't hold back what we feel, ended up hiding it from everyone. Eventually, the family learned about it and we were asked to stop seeing each other.

We couldn't. I was made to choose between him and my family but I can't lose my family and I can't lose him too. This may seem easy but it is not. My family is my everything but he is the love of my life.

Right now, I'm leaving it all to God. I'm praying that God touch our hearts and lead us to where he wants us to be.

Still, I ask myself, where do we go from here?

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It depends on where you are. As a mod, I can, do, and did, have a little peek. You didn't mention where you are, so, trust me, I won't either. The bad news is, where you are, (depending on how closely related you are, i.e. first cousins) you can't legally marry. I have a hard enough time keeping up with the legalities here in the US, so I have no idea as to whether or not this would be considered criminal incest there. I've never heard of it being so, but, again, I have no clue. On a slightly lighter note, while you are in a tough place to be in a cousin relationship, at least you aren't in India, which we almost unanimously agree is THE worst country to be cousins in love. This may be a case where we advise you similarly as we would members from India, in that, you may have to move to more friendly environs. I also know that, like India, where you are, family is very important, and to pack up and leave is almost as daunting as trying to stay and tough it out. 

There is a recent post by a member from there who married their cousin, but fibbed about the actual relationship to do so. I cannot advise you to do so. If their relationship is discovered, their marriage will be declared null and void. Which, in their case, they may not care. IIRC, they have children together, and once that happened, the family came around to a great extent.

All of this is also assuming you two are first cousins. You don't mention it specifically, so, I'm going on that assumption. However, if you are second cousins, or beyond, so far as we know, it is legal.

Also, where you are, I'm going to assume to have a pretty good idea as to your religious persuasion. Other than it being illegal, your Church would allow you to marry, with a dispensation from the Diocese. But, being illegal, that's not an option. HOWEVER, it DOES speak to it NOT being a sin. It is an embarrassment to the family because they have bought into the stigma of it, not because the Bible actually prohibits it. To the contrary, in several instances, God commanded cousins to marry. A curse? Hardly, other than their uninformed drama. (and of course, the legalities, or lack thereof) Stupid? Haha, uh, NO. That would be THEM looking in the mirror. Disgusting? No, again, the disgusting thing is their reaction.

If you are going to be outcasts, judged, and called names, then why stay for the abuse? Your family may be your everything, but from here, to me, it seems their feelings are much more important to you than yours are to them. If they gave your feelings the same consideration you give theirs, there would be no drama from them. They may not like it, but they would tend to their own business, and not try to manage their own affairs, as well as yours. Keep this in mind, love and respect runs both directions. When it's only one way, you have such drama, and a decision to make to take it, or move on. Personally, I'd move on to somewhere I could happily have the relationship of my choice. 

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Hi That8th. I personally feel like it's my life and my happiness. If I do get together with my cousin and my family have a problem then it's their problem not mine.

No one has a right to judge anybody else, when regarding two consensual adults that love each other.

I personally felt like I couldn't tell anyone I loved my cousin and it was all bottling up inside of me.

I decided to tell a friend I'd met my cousin again after 17 years and we really hit it off. His first question was "is she hot?"

"Well yeah" i said, "but it's nothing to do with that. I feel so connected to her that when we look into each other's eyes I feel like I've found home."

"That's cool" my mate said, "I really fancy my cousin!" :D

I then told another mate my cousin had been hitting on me and he wished me luck.

Supportive friends and family are a blessing in your life for sure. Those who would rather you sacrifice you own happiness for their own misguided morals? I'd think long and hard about whose happiness is more important.

Obviously society is different wherever we go and some will react well and others poorly. I just don't think anyone else's opinions should influence what you do in this situation. I wish you all the luck in the world with it!

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Leaving it all to God, eh?  I believe in God, so my skepticism has nothing to do with ridiculing your faith, ok.  But I don't see where the decision to leave it all to God is going to get you anywhere.

Besides, God has already made up his mind on this topic:  he approves.  Challenge your family to show you where the Bible condemns cousin marriages.  They won't be able to.  Instead they will see where God has blessed it (the nation of Israel is the product of cousin marriage) and even commanded (per Moses) cousin marriages.

And from what you've told us, it looks like God has already led you where you need be - in the arms of one another.

My advice?  Pursue the love of your life.  You can not let your family dictate your life's path.  What do they want you to do; marry someone you don't love?  Stay single the rest of your life?  That doesn't sound like the good wishes of people who love you.  It sounds like the wishes of self-serving, closed-minded people.

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Im from philippines...in my case my first cousin and i got civil marriage....its illegal here in philippines but its since weve daughter wenplan to try in civil wedding without knowingnof the judge that were cousin. Weve been in hard time but lately all both families and some friends accept us....for now my cousin and i have 3 children already and proud to say that they are all normal smart...and we thank god for it.

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Thank you! You're very helpful and kind.

Yes, we are first cousins and come from the Philippines. I was 15 when I met my cousin who was 13 at the time. My mom decided to leave my abusive dad and raise us by herself. My uncle who's also a single parent offered that we stay at their home with his kids while he's out of the country.

Me and my cousin became the best of friends. We would stay up late talking, playing video games, having fun. I transferred to his school. Since I was a new student, he would always check up on me, eat lunch and walk home together. It was always fun and comfortable being with him, it became the best part of my day.

Eventually I had my own circle of friends, he then got involved with his sports and didn't have much time to hang out. He became a part of the basketball varsity team and I, the crowd on the bleachers smoking which he so much hated. Haha

I realized that I had feelings for him when he started hanging out with this other girl. I got really jealous, thought it was weird so I ignored my feelings and stopped talking to him until we moved out.

We ignored each other on gatherings and didn't have any connection for 5 years. I met someone special and was in a serious relationship when I decided to patch things up between us and talk to him again.

Instantly, we became closer than before. We were both in college and would meet often to catch up and spend time together. We promised to stay connected which we did everyday. We never talked about our relationship, how we felt about each other or set any boundaries or rules but amazingly both us felt obliged to ask permission whenever we'll spend time with other people or let each other know of our activities. Hiding it from the family, friends and partners became automatic.

Eventually I broke up with my partner, It was heartbreaking but I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

One day he sent me a message "I love you". I knew it was coming but it still shocked me. I couldn't answer, I replied with "Thank you". He made a confession that he had loved since we were young and was too afraid to admit it. After a few days, I finally broke and told him that I most certainly love him, more than a cousin or a friend, I love him.

Until this day, I still do and spending time with him is still the best part of my day. We've been together for 8years now.

It was on our 4th year together when the family found out. Relatives and other people had a lot to say of course, esp other cousins who felt disgusted, saying that we were both stupid or losing our minds. My family, esp mom was really affected by it because these people have helped us during the times we were struggling. It's our culture to please the people you owe. And for my mom, we owe them big.

I know it has nothing to do with us being happy together but it's so hard to convince them so we decided to just continue with our relationship in secret.

Recently we were seen together and I am asked to choose between my family or him. How can I make them understand? I don't want to choose. I can't lose anyone.

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I told one of my friends, he is very supportive.  It feels great when you have people who understand instead of judge. Thank you for your message. I wish you the best of luck :)

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Your message made me smile and inspire me. You're right, I will keep fighting. I'm glad I found a place where I can vent out and talk to people like you.

I hope I'll have the courage to challenge my family though :)

Thank you so much!

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I'm from the Philippines too. I salute your courage, standing up to your family to be with the one you love. I'm glad to hear that you're able to be together freely and have great kids :)

I also did some research on the possibility of kids having problems like what our uninformed society thinks, and the chances are so little and almost the same with unrelated couples.

I am hoping that our country would be open to this kind of relationship, I know a lot more are like us somewhere, hiding their feelings afraid to be judged.

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Hello That8th,

Thank you...in my side its really really hard especially that im the only child in family..im belong from a poor family my father is a farmer. Maybe this is my destiny..ako gumawa nito..because of the love...sobrang hirap ang sakit isipin n bawal sa lahat..church...family code..batas sa pilipinas etc...

Neighborhood na umaga palang pag uusapan nq kayo. Prng may kitong kami n pinandidirihan...babuy pa term nla.

They tired already sa pagyamuta samin...

We dont  mind them the important ws both families accept us. They love and support us.

Hopefuly someday may batas n pinas for first cousin...

Dont be afraid to your family..fight for ur love...sa bandang huli matatanggap din nla kayo.

" LOVE conquers all"

" Sabi nga ng isang linya sa awit na Florante at Laura ni Francisco Balagtas, “O, pag-ibig, kapag pumasok sa puso ninuman, hahamakin ang lahat masunod ka lamang…” Hindi ba’t totoo namang it’s nice to have someone who makes you smile and fall in love over and over again? Bato na lang ang puso ng taong hindi sasang-ayon dito.

Keep us update..goodluck

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