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Guest Ashna

setting down the weapons...?

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hey guys

first of all, i enjoy reading all posts on this website...reminds me i'm not alone n some of us potentially do have happy endings-how lucky they r.

Here's my story: i met my first cousin 12yrs back...(we ddnt meet that often), i was 15 and him 16. it took me two years of total denial to finally realize i've actually fallen for him. we shared our first kiss, he became my confident, best friend...my everything. fast forward to the next few years...he is in UK and I remained in Mauritius for studies. long distance relationship...not easy, but love conquered all lol...

well...all that to say we have been strong together, lived though a lot...there have been numerous times when our families found about us...and it was like hell broke loose every time. yet...we kept going strong...and obviously they all thought it was over and just some teenage crush etc.

finally today's date...i am 26yr...we bth have a damn rocking career, financially very stable.my mom started getting like....reallyyyyy stressed up about my disinterest in marriage. i started undergoing unbearable pressure since the last 3yrs. Being Hindu, i cnt move out and my marriage became a matter of life, death, honour & prestige-especially kz our relatives started gossiping about me. you cnt even imagine the pressure, terrible. my father passed away 2yrs back, and i was blamed for not fulfilling his last wish-my marriage, yeah u guessed it right. i was told i am waiting for my mom to die in the same kind of dissatisfaction to live my life selfishly.

Finally last year, i told my mom and my bro about my cousin...i thought...honesty was the 1st step...the rest will culminate into something positive. But things got worst. cutting back on all details...my mom fell seriously sick last Saturday and was admitted to a clinic.

i think...now am starting to put down my weapons. am seriously tired. i think i will have to give in to get married to 'ANYONE else'. so here we go-arranged marriage. A humiliation unique of its kind. so i spent years studying n toiling hard n paving my own way only for a fickle  guy and his mother to judge me by my appearance and family. So my friend tried to hook me up with a guy i dnt like. I replied to few messages....and i feel like i am deliberately conning him into the game of marriage, kz cutting off from my cousin is....insanely difficult. i feel like i will ruin that guy's life.

its clear in my head that...i will need to get married for my mom's sake.  but i cnt marry the guy i love since the last 12yrs. so whom do i marry? i cnt even reason with them anymore.  if i remind them about my cousin again, i'm scared my mom may jst end up in a clinic again lol......

am so stuck...i will have to marry any random guy. oh no, not random-they want me to like the guy first lol.

I am scared about how my cousin will take it. he is cool on his parents' side, i mean not that they will accept out relationship...but they cant pressurize him for marriage.but my side is....HELL. not a day without insults, taunts. my brother insulted me like hell when knew i had paid for my postgraduate courses kz I HAD TO GET MARRIED FIRST!!!  i know they love me dearly....but they are dead against our relationship.

i am so tired. i've been fighting for years now. i jst want to give up now.

i am trying to wrap my mind around the idea that i will lose the love of my life....that would be fine.but to have to marry someone else....unimaginable.

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i'm glad i'm not hindu. from my american perspective, one should never get married just to appease a parent, and one should certainly never feel responsible for a parent's illness or death because they failed to tie a ceremonial knot.

why not just go marry your cousin? then you'd be married to someone... even if the hindu world disapproves, you'd have that ring on your finger. i'd say check out the laws where you are... or go to the UK... and plan your wedding!

i know, easier said than done.

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Ashna,

I'm going to give you my standard reply to our Indian/Hindu members and guests. Leave. Go to the UK. You have the money, you have the skills, you only need the passport and a ticket. I'd be getting them. Unless and until people in your situation break these insane "traditions" of family controlling your very life, the cycle will continue in perpetuity.

If you marry solely to appease your family, you will be miserable until the day you decide to live for you, if that day ever comes. Did you pick your brother's partner, if he has one? If he doesn't have one yet, do you get to pick? I bet not. So, he can go find himself a mate, or succumb to family and let THEM pick one for him, but you have no part of it.

Your mother will not die because of your choice. She, and others may very well SAY she will, and blame you when she eventually does, (even if she passes of natural causes) BUT, it will be HER failure to have HER way in controlling you that will have caused her stress. HER choice to not give YOU YOUR choice. HER choice. Not YOUR failure to capitulate to HER choice. It is her choice to pressure you. She has no regard what soever as to your will or happiness. Her happiness matters more to her than your happiness matters to her. I don't give a damn what ANYONE says, that is NOT a loving parent. A family who all agrees with her is NOT a loving, caring family. For your own sanity, get out before you do something stupid for people who could care less how stupid a decision it is, so long as it keeps up appearances. Don't you dare sell yourself short when you've achieved all you have on your own. You make your own decisions, and I recommend the first one be the decision to get as far away as you possibly can.

I'll give you an example of the difference. I'm not with my cousin, and never will be. We had our little moment, didn't go for it, and walked away from it. And, it's all good, we're fine with that. But, at one point, when I thought that we might possibly go for it, I told my Mom "Don't be surprised if at some point Cuz and I become an item." Her response? "So long as you treat her good, and you make each other happy, I don't have a problem with that...." Mind you, there isn't QUITE the stigma here in the US as there is in Indian/Hindu cultures, but it's pretty close sometimes. One difference is there are plenty of States where it's legal. Another difference between cultures is, that, had Mom NOT been willing to let us make our own decision, and tried to stop it, she knew full well it would have only made my determination that much stronger. Here, we choose who we love, and, even though many times family doesn't agree, they know they may as well let it play out, because pressure from them only makes us that much more determined to follow our own will. It's not at all unheard of for us to move away if we feel we have to, and never look back. That, M'Dear, is why I personally always advise our members from your culture to beat feet, and don't look back.

The greatest gift we are able to enjoy is our free will. Anyone who would deprive you of it to force their will upon you is called a tyrant. Avoid tyranny, in any of it's forms. You would not be the first to go a Continent away to do so..... 

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This was truly very nice to read. i really needed someone to tell me...it's not my fault...but their tyranny.

Being from a Hindu family is really not easy @ all. Despite all the love n care....all elders think you owe them your lives.

Thank you so much.

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Ashna,

I feel you. Being in that kind of situation is not easy. I'm going through the same thing. Our culture/religion and society have beliefs that are hard to break. I hope you find comfort from the people here as much as I did. Always remember that you are not alone, we understand you and wish you happiness.

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