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unlucky13

1st Cousin Advice

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Hey New Here -

So before i ask for some advice i might as well explain. Little over a month ago me and my 1st cousin(lets say meg) had sex one night. It started off pretty innocent she was supposed too just come over and chill too watch movies. im 24 shes 26. Ive always admired her qualities and they were things i looked for when looking for a girl friend. what started as a movie night led too a night out which led too us both drunk back at my place. When walking back from the bar i remember holding hands and flirting pretty aggressively throughout the night. I jokingly said she was going too have to take the couch and she laughed and said no we can share your bed. she asked too shower off before bed and then came out in just a towel. long story short it we had sex shortly after that. while we were having sex she told me she loved me which i had only ever said back too one girl in my life that i dated for 5 years. my heart jumped and i said it back. after that it was kinda awkward for the next couple days we talked on and off but we had made plans for the coming weekend with her friends and mine before this happend so i figured id wait. just so happend that that night her two closest friends were into me which she didnt love haha. she was jealous the entire night even though i was only being friendly with them. again a few of us ended up back at my place including meg. once people cleared out we skipped out and went back too my room where we had the most amazing sex ive ever had and shes had (atleast she says). we were both pretty sober, too watch ourselfs around people. after that night she knew it was more then a drunken hook up and so did i. for the next 4 weeks we spent legit every night together. after 2 we started dating (not telling anybody). throughout these 4 weeks i was extremely happy most of the time and in what i feel like might of been love. i didnt like everything she did or how she acted but isnt loving somebody loving the good with the bad? she would tinder around her friends ttoo keep the illusion of being single, tell her friends she wanted too go on double dates and other things that i normally would have no tolerance for but i tried too understand with the situation. we got into a disagreement on week 5 and she left on one day. it carried into the weekend which she had agreed with her X (who she cheat on him with me) to let him take her to a show that he had bought tickets for before they broke up. it turned out she agreed too a entire day long "date" in my eyes. i went out that night and said some choices words which led too her ending it the next day. since(week now) we saw each other twice had sex one of the time which felt empty and the second we hung out and watch our old show together but no sex we kissed a little.

She tells me she isnt sure how she feels anymore. and that the cons out weigh the pro's. so since (2days now) i told her i cant speak with her at all. but were going away together with a group of ppl in a week. i dont know how i feel.. i miss her and loved her. i really dont get how 3 days apart could wipe everything out that we had for 4 weeks. we talked about moving away together and the future alot.  

my question is.. do i just bury my feelings and let this die. in the long run it would most likely be alot easier but i feel like she might be the one. i can get with other girls and have had no problem filling that gap but the heart wants more then that and everything just feels empty. i feel like shes doing this mainly for the reason i mentioned above that telling people and the judgement might be too much for her too handle and this was the perfect excuse.

anyways im not sure....

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Well, you've put the cart before the horse and now things are all amok.  Nothing you can do about that now. 

Anytime you jump into the physical without getting to know one another first, your emotions can't process rationally.  This is especially true when you first sexual encounters are mixed with alcohol.  You two treated each other like hook-ups and now you are reaping the consequences.

If you really want to pursue a RELATIONSHIP with this girl, you are going to have to have a serious, sober chat with her.  Listen to her pros and cons, especially her cons.  Bring her to this site if needed for answers to what she perceives as impediments to your relationship.  Then you are going to have to treat her like any other woman you are interested in.  You have to pursue her, date her, woo her, try to win her heart, not just her body.

Here are some things that you should consider, though, if you decide to pursue her:

1.  She cheated on her BF to be with you.  This is something to be wary of.  Very often if someone will cheat on a SO to be with you, he/she will cheat on you to be with someone else.  Tread carefully!

2. 

i didnt like everything she did or how she acted but isnt loving somebody loving the good with the bad?

This depends on what the offenses are.  Leaving dirty socks on the floor, voting differently than you, loading the dishes the "wrong" way in the dishwasher; these are quirks that can be tolerated.  Lying, being demanding or controlling, being financially irresponsible, etc; these are character flaws that should not be tolerated. 

3.

i can get with other girls and have had no problem filling that gap but the heart wants more then that and everything just feels empty.

You need to make sure YOU are ready for a relationship.  Since hooking up with other women has "filled the gap", then it sounds like you are not ready.  You can't sleep around and also convince a woman that you are ready for a relationship with her. I mean, seriously:  you expect your cousin to believe that you are pining away for her while you are bringing other women to your bed?

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thanks for the reply. At this point i don't see things working out with us. Yes we started physically but we spent probably more time together the next 5 weeks then most couples do in 6 months. i thought she was somebody i could really be with for the long term. I made a mistake that weekend, I acting jealous and said some immature things but for her just want to cut ties after that is a sign we definitely weren't what i thought we were.

1. She probably did but id have no proof and no point in dwelling over it. She also told me she has cheated on every boy friend shes had and even her x husband. i knew what i was getting into. thought i could change that.

2. "Lying, being demanding or controlling, being financially irresponsible, etc; these are character flaws that should not be tolerated." funny she had all these qualities and it was very unattractive.

3. I didn't mean that i was just that i could. And after we started seeing each other all that stop'd that day.

either way thanks for the advice, i just dont see things getting better right now. And after all this my feelings are changing to not caring I still love her but i dont see things ever getting fixed. ill update this after our trip maybe things change

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Do keep us updated.  Some relationships are worth pursuing; some are not.  Sounds like this one falls into the former category.  You have the warning signs!  Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again.

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Alot of stuff happend on the trip... (secret came out about us very messy) but the long and short is

Looks like my story with my cousin is wrapped up for now. We both love each other more then anyone we have ever loved but she thinks if she goes down that path with me she will lose all her friends and family. Also taking the judgement from people would probably of been too much for her. i was prepared for it all and tried to tell her she wouldn't but she says she so i cant make her be. So she ended it and i cant wait around for something to be anymore. time to move on. i did love and still do love her like no other and i dont think that will ever change i just wish things could have been different.

She called me last night drunk telling me she loved me and missed me etc.. but it just feels like shes trying to keep me on the hook. She said she didn't want to lose people im sure she doesn't want to lose me either but losing 1 is easier then thinking you'll lose everyone.

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thanks for the reply. At this point i don't see things working out with us. Yes we started physically but we spent probably more time together the next 5 weeks then most couples do in 6 months. i thought she was somebody i could really be with for the long term. I made a mistake that weekend, I acting jealous and said some immature things but for her just want to cut ties after that is a sign we definitely weren't what i thought we were.

1. She probably did but id have no proof and no point in dwelling over it. She also told me she has cheated on every boy friend shes had and even her x husband. i knew what i was getting into. thought i could change that.

2. "Lying, being demanding or controlling, being financially irresponsible, etc; these are character flaws that should not be tolerated." funny she had all these qualities and it was very unattractive.

3. I didn't mean that i was just that i could. And after we started seeing each other all that stop'd that day.

either way thanks for the advice, i just dont see things getting better right now. And after all this my feelings are changing to not caring I still love her but i dont see things ever getting fixed. ill update this after our trip maybe things change

in your first post you said " Ive always admired her qualities and they were things i looked for when looking for a girl friend.". after reading this most recent post, i'm struggling to understand what those qualities that you admired and sought out before! perhaps you were a little infatuated and overlooked the serious character flaws? it's always good to spend time with someone and get to know them before becoming physically or romantically involved. someone who is a serial cheater, someone controlling or manipulative, or someone who is always seeking a good time or the next party is definitely someone you should think twice about, no matter how attractive she is. look for the internal beauty in a woman. the surface is just that... surface. superficial.

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It doesn't sound like she's mature enough for a serious relationship honestly. What kinds of signs were leading up to you hooking up? Were you guys flirtatious a lot before?

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