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Neverfeltlikethis

Help! I don't what to do next!

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First of all hello! I have been visiting this site for a long long time, I can't tell you how much this site has helped me come to terms with my feelings for my cousin, but now it's time I think to share my story and ask for advice, I apologise in advance for the length.

So I'm 30, she's 26, I met her 10 years ago when she came to stay (with her siblings my other cousins) in my city and pretty much fell for her there and then. I thought she was the most beautiful person (inside and out) I had ever met and honestly have never met anyone like since. We had an obvious connection from the off, sharing stories and sneaking away from the rest of the family to get high and share stories. I missed her as soon as she left and I think she felt the same as we were in regular contact after she left. Fast forward a few years her father (my uncle) died leaving her (now 18 and pregnant) to look after her 13 and 7 year old siblings and future daughter. This affected me in a way I simply can't describe and subsequently saw me moving to her home town and starting a new life so I could be there to help support her and the rest of the family. (I never told her these were reasons for me moving to her town but she was delighted nether the less). Ever since I've lived here I've spent an incredible amount of quality time with her and her (now 2 children). I've always buried the romantic feelings I've had for her very deep and always strived to be the best cousin/friend I could possibly be. I was relatively happy with this set up as I never really questioned or believed she might have similar feelings for me. I was happy just having her in my life as a cousin (but secretly yearning for so much more). Now 6 months ago, things started to change a little. I went round one day to chill out and she poured her heart out about her relationship with her boyfriend (the father of the children). Turns out she's hated him ever since he cheated on her years ago and can't stand him or get rid of him (he's a relentless character who refuses to hear things he doesn't want to hear or take no for an answer). She told me he's now living away (200 miles away in fact) and that's the only way they can 'work'. Well that's how things were with them and still are. Me and her started getting closer from that day (not physically). We would both make up excuses several times a week for me to go round and sometimes I'd end up staying for weeks at a time. Now what's bothering me is that it's seemed like she's tried her hardest to push her children on me (I actually recently took care of them for 3 days by myself whilst she was a birthing partner for her sister) and have subsequently fallen head over heels in love with them too. (Her brother recently told me in his opinion I have been more of a father to them than their actual dad and the youngest who's just learning to talk keeps calling me daddy) (she never corrects him btw!). I warned her on several occasions that I feel I'm getting to close to the children (I worry about the physiological aspects) and it might be in appropriate. (She always pretended not to hear me).

Now fast forward a few more weeks and my feelings for her are growing more and more. I can barley keep it in any more and I think my body language made it fairly obvious. She's started flirting with me a little by then and wearing more and more provocative clothes, even dropping hints like telling me I have very kissable lips, and that my dancing makes her want to run to the bathroom. We stated going on long drives with the kids and playing each other our favourite songs (we both have a very deep profound passion for music and have identical beliefs on the subject). She basically got to me in a way no girl had ever done before. She got into my head, my heart and my soul. I was 99% percent sure she felt the same way now. So I told her one night how I felt (this after she's spent half an hour drawing me a art picture and showing me how's fade colours, informing me as she's draws that 'I must cross the line' 'the lines must be crossed'.

It didn't go well.

I told her I had feelings for her (quite sheepishly I must say) and she interrupted me and said 'but your my cousin I don't like it, it's weird'. I left absolutely crushed, a day later she's blocked me on all social media and told her sister and brother (my cousins) what had happened who both now think I'm a creep. That was 3 weeks ago and I've had no contact with her since. I'm so lost and confused right now I don't know where to turn or who too. It's got to me so much I've confessed to my parents and friends my feelings for her. Which I'd managed to keep locked up for 10 years. (My parents were surprisingly supportive) (friends not so much!) What do I do! I'm going out of my mind Please help there's so much more to this story I just can't get it all out at once!

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Fox1000,

Wow. Looks like she don't mind looking a gift horse in the mouth. Methinks she's got at least a touch of an irresponsible streak as well, and I'm sure you'd provide further proof if you were to expand on the situation. No need though. I'll give you my advice easily enough without it.

First, have you burned your bridges where you were before you moved there? If not, look into going back. I know it will be painful to leave the others you've bonded with behind, but, you've been shot down, my man. You've done your part, now, everyone else can step up. Her asshat needs to drag it back and meet HIS responsibilities. SHE needs to lay in the bed SHE'S made. Playing the white knight was noble of you, but, the time has come for you to move on. You've already spent 10 years pining for her, it's unrequited, so, DON'T SPEND ANOTHER DAY trying to invest in something with no return.

Cousins are people too, with all the qualities and flaws of any of the rest of us. It's just like being shot down by any other love interest. It hurts, but, you keep breathing. It may be cloudy, but the sun is still going to rise in the east tomorrow morning. New day, new way. I'm actually facing a healthy dose of that right now myself. I have an interview today, and depending on how that goes, I'll make my next move. I have an extremely good chance of getting this job. BUT, if I don't, I've already been planning my next move, and it's liable to be a doozy. I'm looking at packing up and shaggin' arse about 400 miles from here, and starting over. Will it be easy? Not in the least. Would it be in my long term best interest? I think so. At my age, the medical insurance is the only question out there, but if something decent to that effect is available, I'm outta here. I know for sure I need a serious change of scenery, and I think you do too. I also think if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit it, and act accordingly....

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Thank you Hawk, I'll be honest that was hard to read but you've reiterated what my friends and family have already said. Maybe I just needed to hear it from someone unbiased. I do still have strong connections in my home town and I can go back whenever I want. Which is what I think I'm now going to do, Which will be so hard but knowing people like yourself are going though something similar gives me strength! Question is do I say goodbye first? Good luck with the interwiew btw! And thanks again :)

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... Question is do I say goodbye first? ...

Fox1000,

To her? Why? Sounds to me like she already did.....

Everybody else? I don't know. If you want to I suppose.

The kids? Nah, she'll tell them you moved back home, if they ask. 

So, no, I wouldn't. I'd put on the old traveling shoes and roll.

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I see your point, it does sound quite romantic setting off and leaving this all behind, you've definently stirred something up in me. Thing is we've such a connection I know she's dieing inside right now, for what reason I'm unsure, she's slot going on in her life (very heavy stuff which is why I came clean with my feelings, I just wanted her to know I was there for her in any way she needs/wants) Very bad timing on my part I know and I kinda feel her pain for that. I've also got hers and the kids stuff in my car. Feel bitter not getting it back to her.

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I'm surprised after 10years in love with her and being there for her for everything you didn't make a move sooner? Was there ever a time both of you were drunk and you could feel the sexual pull at all?

I started my experience with my cousin reverse and dived into the psychical part before we had the true connection part and it blew up after a month.

Not really advice but I'm curious.

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Believe me I've wanted to, and yeah there's been a fair few moments to say the least! (Probebly the most intense moments of my life ) in fact tbh they've always been moments she's sorta 'set up', pretty hard to explain but I know her well and she was definently encouraging me. The problem was always me being too scared or whatever to take the hint and act on it, and also not wanting to obviously take advantage of someone quite vunarable and dear to me, it's kinda paradoxical if that's the right word!

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Thought i'd update even though no one replied and left me to my devices like she did..  maybe I could be an example of how not to do these things. I've never been so lost in my life, she has completely cut me off, I've expirenced heartbreak before but this is something else, it feels worse than a berevement. My whole family know now and hers, I'm a laughing stock, and she's left me feeling like the biggest creep on the planet. Oh and to top it off her younger brother recently came out as gay an made it pretty clear he's got a crush on me. (I'm twice his age and have treated him like a son, I feel guilty as sin as I've made the subject exceptable in his mind by discussing his sister with him) My heads f :shocked: ed, I'm dead inside.. don't get involved with cousins is all I can say. I've ripped our family apart.

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Neverfeltlikethis,

I took the liberty of a quick censor for you. Hope you don't mind. Trust me, at my age, and the crazy  :shocked:  I've done, I can certainly be a prime example of what not to do myself. I notice you didn't follow my, or anyone else's advice. Not a problem. You just dug the hole deeper. Now, you just have a little more to climb out of. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, and haven't busted a move just yet, but, I will be getting a change of scenery one way or the other. I do have a better than average chance of moving about 3 hours away for about 3 years, and make some BIG $$$. My rough patch got even worse before it got better too, but, things are starting to calm down, and I'm finally starting to get my head screwed on right. You can't make people love you, and there's no sense in begging. I won't beg, and I'm going to be very leery of ever starting another relationship. I'm too old to take the pain when they go south. With my track record, I'm apparently not very good at it anyhow. I'm quite enjoying my quiet time for now anyhow.

My advice still stands. If you haven't got out of there yet, get the ride gassed up, and get a move on. I DO know for sure how a change of scenery helps. I've been making regular trips to Memphis of late, and it really helps my frame of mind. So, again, if you've not rolled yet, get a move on.   

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I should have mentioned I did take your advice hawk, I've moved back to my home city  (following a complete mental breakdown I might add). I thought I'd start to feel right again by now but it just gets worse. I've had no choice but to move in with my mother temporally which is also killing me, she speaks to my cousin (her niece) regularly on the phone right in front of me, I still (involuntary) know what's going on in her life and she's asking after me aswell. I can't ask my mum to stop I've no right but I've also no where else to go. It's like I can't escape her!

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