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Forbidden feelings for my first cousin

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Hi everyone!

I was researching general information about cousin relationships et similia, and I was lucky enough to find this website.

My name is Claudia and I need someone to talk to about the feelings I have been developing for my first cousin in the past months.

This situation is really tearing me apart.

We have never been very close, but whenever we met, it was just as time had never passed; we would talk, be silly with each other, and we would behave as cousins are supposed to behave.

However, when I was about 15, I realized that I was feeling incredibly attracted to him, and it was just a thought that felt so wrong that I decided to step back. We never met for something like 4 or 5 years, and there was almost no communication.

That made me feel good. Avoiding him -and what I felt, and keep feeling- made me feel as if I was accepting him as nothing but a cousin.

But my feelings kept growing, and, the last time I saw him, I felt like crying.

It was a family gathering some weeks ago and the only thing I could think about was how handsome -and sweet- he had become. We went out of the restaurant many times that day, just to smoke a cigarette and talk about ourselves, given that, as I said before, we don't get to see each other very often. We talked about our plans for the near future, and, from this point of view, we don't have much in common.

I will leave my hometown to attend the university I have always been preparing for. He doesn't want to study; he hopes to find a job and, if he doesn't, he plans on joining the military.

Then I told him I was thinking about going abroad just to find a job for the summer (I am starting university in September). He said he would be happy to come with me, because he wants to see if we can find better working contidions in a place that is far away from where we were born. So we're probably going to rent -and share- a room or a small apartment in Berlin or Munich. 

I think it will turn the whole situation into a disaster. I can't do this.

Whenever he's around, he makes me shiver. When he kissed me goodbye (on my cheeks), last time, I had a feeling that was a mix of joy and deep guilt.

He is my cousin. And I love him so much I can't even... describe it.

I can't tell him and I am afraid he could find out about how I feel. Sometimes I really wish I could let him know, but that's clearly not an option for me. What if someone else in the family found out?

Just the thought of our relatives knowing scares me.

I live in a very conservative -yet hauntingly beautiful- region in the south of Italy. No one would understand.

I don't know how he feels about me, but I just believe I'm wrong and I should ignore my feelings.

Where have you found the courage to tell your cousins? I am planning on waiting as long as I can. Letting him know is not urgent, but yet my heart aches when I think about him.

I would be really glad if you shared your experience with me.

Thank you for dedicating your time to me.

p.s. I apologize for my English.

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I'm new to all this but I sympathize with you. I'm also involved with a female cousin who I have developed feelings for but don't know how to express them or if it is safe to do so. She is hot and cold towards me and I don't know what to do about it. She's coming to my house Monday and we are going to spend some time together after we work out at the gym. I want to try and tell her then but I want advice so that it doesn't go horribly wrong. Has yours shown you any special interest that you might think shows he likes you?

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