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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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makemelikeyou

Nervous but excited...

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Hi everyone,

I don't want to get too specific here, but the general details are, both of us in our early 30s and are first cousins. But we didn't grow up together, I actually don't recall ever meeting him although he says we did at early elementary ages. I live in a state where it's not illegal to have sex/live together but it is illegal to marry (he grew up here also), and now he lives in a state where it's legal to marry, etc. he's getting divorced, i'm not married.

when did it begin? gosh, years ago. early 2014, he added me on FB. We would talk on and off, but I never thought anything of it, even when the conversation turned into topics on sex and him pretty much admitting if he didn't know we were related he would hit on me had he met me somewhere, that I was "his type of girl" etc.

Until two days ago, we hadn't spoken in nearly a year. That's when we "crossed the line" and exchanged a few ah, adult, pictures. (something NEITHER of us ever do!) He asked how we got here and to me it seems like we were always on the edge, ya know? But we didn't grow up together, I don't see him as a cousin, more as just a hot guy who is a lot like me and who I honestly adore. And we aren't even in the same location right now, yet I know when we are... :kiss: We certainly talk about that a lot.  :grin:

And that's why I'm nervous. Of what could happen, would it could mean, what we'll feel afterwards. I can travel any time cuz of what I do for work and that's the plan, that I will go there to see him.

I was relieved to find this site after looking for information on all this because you know, taboo, I didn't know it was this common. I think it shocked him too. And I think we're both lost, nervous, excited, worried...and the way I feel is insane. He's still adjusting, but me? I've fantasized about him & liked him 'that way' for a while now. I hope someone here knows how I feel!

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makemelikeyou,

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we get it, LOL

Usually, for couples your age, I say go for it. In your case, I'll say it with stipulations. First, we ALWAYS advise to go for it ONLY if both parties are fully available. In your case, it behooves you to cool the jets until such time as the divorce is final. From a more personal perspective, I would encourage you to then let the ink dry a little too. In the meanwhile, keep building the friendship. Virtual attraction and reality can be two different things. The attraction is obviously there, now, you really should build more on the friendship and getting totally on the same page.

You don't mention if he has kids, or, how nasty this divorce is, or is likely to become if you become an issue. If it's legal where he is, his ex can pitch a b*tch all she wants, but it will be to no avail. Still, why stir the puddin' until such time as it's settled? Stay in the background, and let it all play out, without you being an issue.

After all the ducks are in a row, THEN you can pull the trigger. At that point, go for it, and don't let anyone stop you. Always remember, cousins are people too, subject to all the qualities and flaws any of the rest of us are prone to. Once you are in this, there are going to be all the typical annoyances, as well as loving moments. You know, toilet paper over or under, the cap on the toothpaste, doing dishes, all of the wonders of domestic bliss. The more of these little issues you have discussed ( and probably laughed about) and agreed on, the easier the transition will be. Since you have not known each other forever, it truly is going to be like going into any other relationship with any random Joe. You have to treat it as such, only realize that you have the added pressure of possible family drama up front, and probable family drama if it ends badly. Get on the same page first, and don't let any of that happen.....

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Hawk,

thanks for your reply. yeah, he does. I have one myself. they are similar in age.

as for the divorce, it's been a long time coming. said they talked about it, but he never wanted to be the a*hole who filed first, but he's finally giving up after trying to make it work. basically, it's a mutual decision.

As for staying away, I don't know. I don't think that's what he wants, but really all we plan on at this point is being in the same place together at the same time, Lol. Meeting and hanging out, innocently. I know he's nervous so that's really the first step.

we are pretty similar and agree on a lot of things, even the fact we like to sit in the mostly dark rather than have lights on, that's how detailed our convos have gotten. it's why I'm nervous, I feel really strongly about him, and I'm not afraid of what my family thinks. neither of us have a good opinion of them. btw, I'm autistic so I'm trying my best to explain but I tend to overshare and obviously I'm trying NOT to here, lol.

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makemelikeyou,

Trust me, if you go back and read any of my posts, you'll see I tend to "overshare" and get windy.

At any rate, with this new information, I'll stick with what I've said toward his end, and now have to ask you how much drama are YOU liable to face from the father of your child? Is he in the picture? If so, what are the visitation arrangements? The likelihood of any visitation remaining the same is probably minimal, unless you are in adjoining States, and travel is not going to be overly burdensome. If it isn't considered criminal incest where you are, and is fully legal where he is, it should be something that can be worked out, but it could get messy, depending again, on your particulars. More to keep in mind going forward.

Now, as to HIM being a little more nervous than you. Has he found this site? Have you sent him the link? If not, you may as well, and feel free to bring him to this thread. Have him join if he so chooses, and I'll basically tell him the same thing, and do my best to ease his concerns....   

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None. My child's father isn't in the picture and never has been. I have sole custody, and can move about freely. :)

I haven't shown him this site, no. This is all a recent development and he seems more the type to feel things out on his own, whereas I like to research everything. He thought it was 'adorable' that I looked up the laws.

I mostly wanted something where I could talk about it and the way I feel. It's not really something I can discuss with anyone else. :) but if he ever actually wants to read about it, I will definitely direct him here. I've been checking out a lot of the threads, they are great. :)

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makemelikeyou,

Then you have arrived at the right place. Share as your comfort level allows. As you do, and make yourself comfortable around here, you will probably get replies from some of the girls here. There are several of them who are with their cousin, and I'm sure they have experienced some of what you are going through.

Feel free to share what you will, with the knowledge you are as anonymous here as you care to be. This is as good a place as any to air things out....

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Thanks Hawk.

He called me for the first time today. It was the first time we've ever spoken on the phone (usually FB, texting recently), and psh, I just fell a little harder. I love his voice, and it was like talking to my best friend.

I'm in trouble, lol. :)

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Hawk has given you some very good advice. 

How old are your kids?  Not that it really makes that much difference.  You;ve been without your child's father for a while, so this is not as much of an issue for you.  But since his wife is still in the picture, the effects of the divorce can be very unsettling for his kids.  For the sake of his children, you two MUST go slowly with this relationship.  This is not just about you two; it really is more about his kids right now.  And since he is still married, you have no claim to him yet.  You really should lay low until the divorce is finalized, no matter what he wants.

The children should NOT be told that you two are cousins.  Since you are in a "hostile" state, you do not want to give his wife any fodder to use against you during the divorce.  She will find out if your not extremely careful and it could cause problems for you (even though it's not a problem for you to date your cousin in your state}.  Cousin or not, an extra-marital fling could cause problems for him.  And to be a little selfish, ask yourself if you really want a rebound relationship?  Or as it is now, do you want to be the other woman?  You've been around this world long enough to know that either of those relationships are often short-lived.

Be smart and take it slowly.  If the two of you have something special, it will still be there when he is a free man.

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Boy, I wish I would've gotten this reply a bit sooner.

I'm a very spontaneous person. It's a plus in some ways, a negative in some others. Some of your advice is too late, but I will say that I can see your POV.

I know you didn't mean it in any way other than nicely, but I am smart, it's my emotional maturity that is lacking and I can thank the autism for that. I often do before thinking and I've always landed on my feet, but it's definitely not always been pretty.

To answer your questions, my child is almost 7. His are 8 and 5.

Maybe the answer is obvious, but why shouldn't they know we are cousins? And I'm fairly sure they know anyway, as their mother does.

I'm not sure what you mean by hostile state. It's not illegal where I am or where he is.

We both come from families that are, frankly, lacking in support or care. He's gotten into some issues recently and I wanted to support him. He told her he wants a divorce and of course now she wants to put in all the effort he's been wanting her to give for years, which he doesn't want any longer.

I met him yesterday, hence why I said I read your advice too late. Sigh. And because of his...job...and doing something idiotic, he's now got to spend time accounted for, so he told his wife his cousin came to visit and now I have to meet her because if I leave, it will look suspicious. I'm not worried, I haven't done anything. I did tell him that I would leave if he wanted me to after, but I do think he's cheered up a bit by seeing me.

I can't really answer your question about rebounds or other woman, since I am not either. He decided to divorce her before we began talking more than occasionally. Wouldn't it be worse for me to suddenly not support him just because our feelings took a turn for the romantic when I've been supportive of him for a while now? I think that would be more suspicious.

Thanks for talking to me though, both of you.

Hawk has given you some very good advice.

How old are your kids?  Not that it really makes that much difference.  You;ve been without your child's father for a while, so this is not as much of an issue for you.  But since his wife is still in the picture, the effects of the divorce can be very unsettling for his kids.  For the sake of his children, you two MUST go slowly with this relationship.  This is not just about you two; it really is more about his kids right now.  And since he is still married, you have no claim to him yet.  You really should lay low until the divorce is finalized, no matter what he wants.

The children should NOT be told that you two are cousins.  Since you are in a "hostile" state, you do not want to give his wife any fodder to use against you during the divorce.  She will find out if your not extremely careful and it could cause problems for you (even though it's not a problem for you to date your cousin in your state}.  Cousin or not, an extra-marital fling could cause problems for him.  And to be a little selfish, ask yourself if you really want a rebound relationship?  Or as it is now, do you want to be the other woman?  You've been around this world long enough to know that either of those relationships are often short-lived.

Be smart and take it slowly.  If the two of you have something special, it will still be there when he is a free man.

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Update to say...

In a stroke of random (yet equally uncool for my son) luck, my son got sick and I used that as a reason to pass on meeting his kids and stbx, since we don't want everyone getting sick. I have returned home for the time being, although he asked me to stay and meet them later in the week.

One good thing to come of this is that we were able to see that the attraction was real, so now it's just a waiting game...

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It sounds like your on the right track, keep it slow and follow thru with it because if he's anything like me you won't regret it even if it's only one weekend  :evil: 

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